Wondering what will happen...

As you all (my avid readers, few that you are) know my health insurance for the new job kicks in on June 1st.  Which means that we get to start trying for another shot at parenthood in about 4 short weeks.  I truly hope that it doesn't take to long for us to conceive another baby...
I am now unsure how I feel about getting pregnant and trying to have another baby.  I am truly nervous about another pregnancy, I was a HORRIBLE pregnant woman the first time around.  I was pukey and in pain for most of my pregnancy with Noel.  I know that I'm being ridiculous, that I'm making excuses, but I almost feel like I'll FORGET Noel if I have another baby.
There is a huge part of me that is nervous about the pregnancy.  I'm scared that I'll carry another baby for 40 weeks and that baby will die.  What happened to Noel.  I miss my baby girl every second of every day.  I know that the odds of what happened are in my favor that it won't happen again, but I can't help but feel extremely nervous about the whole thing.
I'm going to close up for the time being, I may come back and write more on this post AFTER I accomplish some of my house work list.

Starting Over...

I know its late and I know I need to get into bed and go to sleep because I have to be up early for work tomorrow.  However, I wanted to share a few thoughts for the evening.  There are a couple of things that I have been thinking about since this morning.  When you start a new job, you start over.  Now I have to admit, I have relationships on some level with a lot of my new co-workers because I have worked with them in a different capacity at my previous two positions.  The funny thing is, I realized they really don't "KNOW ME" so what does that mean?  To me its their perceptions of me, I wonder what that is.  I hope to find out soon.  :)

I think I'm nervous because I have to start over with people.  I have to put myself out there and hope that everybody will accept me for who I am and what I can do.  I don't doubt my talent, I am very good at what I do, I'm just nervous about getting to know new people.  What is funny is that I find that I am MORE SHY now then I have ever been in my whole life.  I find that I'm not as open with people as I once was, I am more private I guess with people I don't necessarily know, even if I have worked with them for years.  They know I'm honest, they know I work hard.  Its just weird going into the hospital and being on "the inside."  I come from agency, I have been a nurse recruiter, HR/Payroll Coordinator and a staffer with agency for the last 5 years.  I can't wait to see how it all works at the hospital level.  I'm really excited to learn all that I can at the hospital.  I'm just nervous about if people are going to LIKE ME.  I know that sounds juvenile but I can't help it because I WANT them to like me, to get to know me, and be friends.  I know that work isn't "play time" but I love to get to know new people I'm just a little shy at first because I don't want to do or say something incorrect.

I hope that soon we can start paying off some of these bills, I need to get a car, driving my parent's Yukon is wonderful and its such a nice ride but its so big and I feel guilty driving it because its a gas guzzler.  I hope that things start falling into place better, that we can start fresh and pay off everything and get something soon to get me back and forth to work without the huge carbon foot print that I have now.  I can't afford to drive the thing! Anyway, I guess I'm getting to the point of rambling, I'm sleepy now and should probably lie down and see if I can get to sleep.

What makes a mother...

Makes a Mother

thought of you and closed my eyes, 

And prayed to God today. 

I asked what makes a Mother,

And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,

This we know is true.

But, God, can you be a mother,

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,

With confidence in his voice.

I give many women babies,

When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But theres no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you,

What your child is doing today,

If you could see your child smile,

With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are Ok.

Your babies are here in My home,

They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,

until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day,

And you'll know that you're the best one! author Unknown

Getting the house in order...

I am a horrible procrastinator.  My house currently is embarrassing.  Honestly, I have seen other peoples homes that are in worse condition then my own.  However, I have a reputation of having a VERY clean home. I have slacked horribly on the house work for months, basically I've done the basics, no real deep cleaning, just the surfaces.  SO today and tomorrow are officially being named Waltz Spring Clean Days.  I have left all of this mess to the last possible moments of my forced "vacation."

Now for the reason behind all this mess.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have depression.  It started of course Post Natal.  I am NOT in the minority, a lot of mothers suffer from depression after giving birth.  Mine was just compounded with the fact that my baby died.  I have accepted those things that I cannot change, my daughter cannot come back.  I have accepted that I have no choice but to wait to get pregnant again.  I have accepted that my life will never be the same again.  While I accept that I cannot change my life and the roads I have had to traveled I can TRY my hardest to make the traveling of said roads the best I can.  Which means I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward and stop being stuck.  I have been stuck for nearly 9 months.  I realize that the only person that can save me is me.  Its not my wonderful husband, its not my parent's or my brother and Meghan, its not my friends, its me.  The ONLY person that can change my life is ME.  I have seen what depression can do to a person, and I refuse to be that person, I refuse to be a negative person, I cannot stand dreading what the next day is going to bring.  I don't want to worry anymore, I want to live.  I want to be free, free of this constant worry, free to expand my life.  To have an imagination.

So now that I have taken this time to write out everything I need to get off the computer and put myself to work.

Staying Positive..

I'm trying my hardest to stay positive.  Losing my car has really upset me.  Its just one more thing to add to the stack of stuff that has been thrown at us.  It kills me to have to borrow my parent's vehicle for any amount of time.  And frankly I don't even know right now HOW I'm going to get a new car to replace mine.  I hate that I don't have a "plan."  Its impossible to at this point.  I mean really I think its awesome that I get to drive a luxury vehicle.  However, paying for the gas for said vehicle is going to put a strain on our limited resources.  We are listing John's motorcycle on Craigslist again and hopefully we get someone that will buy it.  It will give us a little cash for a clunky car.  UGH!
Its just weird and a little unusual how much John & I have had to deal with.  I mean we have really had the monkey shit thrown at us.  Please excuse my language, but that is how it feels.  Think about it, for those of you who know us and are friends, you know that the year we got married I was laid off 6 months before our wedding, was in said lay off for 3 months, went back to work and got "laid off" 4 days before we signed the paperwork for our new house.  I was off for about 6 months before finding my job at MSN.  That September RIGHT after our 1st wedding anniversary I am rushing John to he hospital, he even got to ride in a helicopter because they THOUGHT my 33 year old husband was having a heart attack, THANKFULLY it was Pericarditis, it was still painful for him and he spent the better part of a week in the hospital but that was the second most terrifying moment I have ever had, up to that point it was #1 however, that was to come the following September.  THEN a couple months went by and I got a horrible ovarian cyst, I was in the hospital 2 times for that one.  THAN things started to look up and we found out after all that pain I had that we were pregnant a month later.  Only to find out once again right after our 2nd wedding anniversary that our baby had died.  THAT was and will forever be my most terrified most heartbreaking moment in my life, and I don't think I will ever recover.  After healing I went back to work only to find out 3 months later that I'm losing my job.  I JUST find out that I have a new job that I have wanted for years and then my car dies.  SO we are at today, I am sitting here trying to figure out what we have to do so I can have a car to get to said new job and I'm not coming up with anything.  I wish I could request a miracle, however, I want to save that for when I do actually get pregnant the next time and request the miracle of a breathing, healthy baby.  I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.  I hate having so much in the air, but when you really look at everything, its not possible.  I do not know how much my checks at the new job are going to be, I can do a guesstament but until I know for sure I can't do anything.  WE have to dig out from under all the medical bills, and our 3 credit cards to actually get anywhere.  I wish there was a way to get a clean slate without bankruptcy.  What's funny to ME is all these people that have money coming out of their ears and I work and struggle EVERY DAY just to TRY and make ends meet.  I work harder then the topmost CEO does and make nothing.  Short of winning the lottery I can't think of anything...

Another Unbelievable hurdle to over come...

I honestly believe that John & I have a really black cloud above us.  Once a problem (MY JOB) get's "fixed" there is another issue that comes right on the heals.  I know most of those reading are on my FB as well, but the newest "challenge" the timing chain went in my car.  Now I realize my car is a 2003 and I know that it has ALMOST 200,000 miles on it, but never would I think that the entire engine would go.  That's right folks, when THAT little problem happens to your car (especially if you drive a grand am from 2003) you have no choice but to replace the entire engine.  So NOW tomorrow I'll be making phone calls all over Michigan looking for a re-manufactured engine for my car.  The alternative, buy a new car, but guess what, seeing as how we have a ton of medical bills that went to collections our credit scores have taken a serious hit, there isn't a single dealership out there that would give us a car loan.  Like I said its just one thing after another.  There are days when I wonder how much more can we take, how much more before everything tears apart what John and I have together.  It just feels like life has it in for us.  Like what more can we possibly do to this two people that we haven't already done just to see how strong they are, will they make it?  Thankfully I start my new job soon so we won't be attempting to pay everything on unemployment, which is a joke by the way, I don't know WHAT a family bigger then two people would do.  Anyway, I just keep praying that all the bad stuff will stop that something GOOD will come out of it all.  I'm trying to remain optimistic, trying but tonight I'm doing poorly.

Anyway, beyond that, I attended my first baby shower since Noel was born sleeping.  I surprised myself, I did not cry once.  Its the little things, the everyday things that you need to get through and make it to the other side and know that you made it.  Was it hard watching my BFF open gifts for her baby, YES it was, but it was a dull pain, one that wasn't sharp and didn't hurt just the ache wishing Noel was there with me, I could have showed her off a little, but again, I am wishing and I know that it won't happen, I just WISH it was how things were.  I guess we missed out window this month to try again, so hopefully next month we can work a little harder on getting pregnant ourselves.

I truly hope that by this time next month that I am pregnant that I can rejoice in carrying another child.  I know I'll be healthier, I've lost 5.2 lbs so far on weight watchers, so I am doing good.  I did take the weekend off from exercising, but I will be back at it tomorrow, I have one week left of my "forced vacation" to get the house cleaned and the laundry done before I go back to work full time and have an excuse as to WHY my house looks like frat boys live in it.

Only time will tell on when John & I get pregnant, I hope its as easy the getting that way a second time around.  We will see...Have a good night everybody.

New Job...New Life...

I signed all my paperwork today for my new job that I start on May 7th.  I'm so excited to be able to go back to work in a position that I will absolutely excel in.  I will finally be bringing home more money and will be able to make bigger dents into my hospital and doctor bills.  We have been struggling for so long.  I know that we won't be able to pay everything right away but at least we can start fulfilling our obligations.  The nurses, doctors and other staff at Genesys Hospital took such good care of us while we were there I feel horrible that we haven't been able to give them the rest of their money.  But that light at the end of the tunnel is starting to get closer.  FINALLY!