I LOVE to sleep. For awhile now, I have been having extreme difficulty turning my brain off to fall asleep. When I lay my head down on the pillow my brain goes into hyper drive. I start thinking about a million different things and I can't stop. I try reading, warm milk, chamomile tea a warm shower, all the "usual" ways to make oneself tired. I'm getting to the point where I think I need to start thinking about medicating myself. I know when I was pregnant with Noel I had so many sleepless nights that my doctor had me start taking 50mgs of Benedryl a night to help me fall asleep. I am going to go and buy some tomorrow because this is beginning to be ridiculous. I start wandering the house, picking things up here and there, tonight I found myself in the nursery. These are the most disturbing nights because now I know I will not fall asleep for hours because I will be thinking about Baby Noel. I will go back to that place where I start asking the "what if''s". I won't go into those again, I've already listed all my what if's out in a previous post. But it doesn't take away the fact that I'm constantly finding myself in this merry go round night after night. I know a lot of it is I took today off from working in the yard. All last week I worked in the gardens around the house, I have 6 different plots of plants around my house, so I've been working and working out there all week. Today I decided because I'm so sore that I needed the day off, I only did a couple of loads of laundry and the dishes. Now I'm full of what I can only describe as nervous energy. I would go for a walk but our street doesn't have lights and I'm mostly blind in the dark anymore so I don't feel comfortable going out there at night, not that I live in a bad area, its just slightly rural and its not other people that I am I guess afraid of, its the animals, I have a small fear of racoons and opposums as silly as that sounds I can't help it. Because It would be MY LUCK (because if I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all) I would be attacked by a rabid racoon or something equally menacing. So THIS is my outlet, I hope by the time I stop writing that I can go back upstairs crawl back into bed and blissfully fall asleep. But what will really happen is I will ramble on and on here and then go play FB games unitl my eyes cross and THAN I will fall asleep laptop open in the chair until the baby kitties wake me up trying to suck my neck.
Noel's Garden is mostly finished, I know I keep saying that but I keep getting items from people that are special to them for me to plant for her. I am picking up a pink hydrangea from her Grandpa Waltz to put in her garden tomorrow, he has also given me some white and blue iris's to specifically plant in there for her which I did yesterday. Grandma Connie gave me some cosmos and forget me not seeds that I put in yesterday, I sincerely hope I didn't plant them to early, but again my wonderful luck we will have snow in April. I want to try and find a statue I can put in as well, I have an idea for it in my mind, and I've seen some I really like but its not exactly right. I know I'll find it, I just want to make sure that my angel baby has something beautiful in there just for her.
That's the other thing, I know people keep saying their faith has gotten them through their times of grief. I have a problem with my faith. I think I've completely lost it. I have so much anger towards God, I don't want to believe in heaven and hell. I want people to shut up about God. God let me down, I prayed and prayed to him about Noel when I was pregnant and he took her from me. I'm so sick and tired of people telling me that God loves me, I don't feel the love. All God did for me was take my baby. He didn't help her or me when we needed it, he just let her die. Maybe that is part of what keeps me awake at night, I quit praying to God. I've given up hope that he is out there. I just mostly want to think that God is something us humans made up to make us feel better about dying. We all eventually die. We all WANT to believe that our spirit goes on but does it? When you die here on earth does your spirit really go to some everlasting life? I mean that is what christians believe. Right? So where is the proof? Do we just rely on a book written over 2000 years ago and blindly follow what it says all based on FAITH? There a so many other religions out there, who is right? I mean the Indian peoples have been practicing Hindu for about 1000 years longer then christians, are THEY right? The Buddiest, is there such a thing as enlightenment? They have been around longer then the christians, or is it the Jews that have it right? The muslims? When you talk about God, Faith, Religion do you really know what your talking about or are you just talking about something you read or was told in your up bringing? Or are we all just looking for SOMETHING we can have faith in? It doesn't really exist but we try to make ourselves feel better. Oh sure I'll say even now that Noel is in heaven but I'm not really sure I believe that anymore. Because to believe in Heaven says you believe in God. What happens when there is no heaven and there is no God and your spirit is just gone? You were alive one day and gone the next, and I mean truly gone, when you stop breathing there is no "spirit" that goes to another world. What if you are reborn? But then if that happened wouldn't whatever form you took, wouldn't you WANT your family to know you were there? What if you became a blade of grass? What if you went from being human to being a tree, wouldn't you want to be close to the family you left behind? What if your family moved? Then what? See I'm thinking I might be partially crazy but wouldn't it make sense if all humans who died became a plant, maybe that is why we don't know about what happens when we die. I have a billion blades of grass in my yard, what if they really were all humans at one point, I know I wouldn't ever cut my grass again if I thought it would FEEL me cutting off its head 1 to 2 times per week. Anyway, I'm nuts but maybe you aren't, rationally speaking it would freak me out if my grass started communicating with me. They always say plants grow best when you talk to them, maybe this is why...
See this is the kind of stuff that rattles around in my brain. I want answers. I want to know WHY my baby girl was taken away from me. I want to know WHERE she is now if her spirit is somewhere else. I've become crazy not even meaning to. I want to know what happens to a person's spirit if we have one, I want to see and know and touch if for myself. For me now all this faith stuff just isn't cutting it. I want to know where we all go when we die. I want to experience for myself. Not saying that I want to die to find out, but I want to know so I can share it with other people. So I can tell them EXACTLY what happens. I cannot believe in something that isn't tangible for me. I can't blindly keep on believing in something anymore. So until God or whatever "all powerful being" contacts me personally and gives me some answers I think I'll just keep on wondering. I highly doubt I'll be "talked to" by anything. I doubt that I'm that important. Maybe I do need meds, because I really do sound like a crack pot. But such is the day today. I am now yawning so I guess I'll go back upstairs and try this whole sleep thing again and see how it works out.
Have a nice night, I'm sorry if I have offended anybody, remember this is just my personal thoughts.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
HUGS Meeting and various other random thoughts for tonight...
I met a group of wonderful ladies tonight at my first HUGS group meeting. I learned that I'm not alone in this world I now find myself. I'm sad and happy all at the same time because I now know that my feelings of anger and retreat are not only mine. I feel complete relief in this small thing because those are the most powerful feelings that I have. And I thank all of them for listening to my story, for hearing me and for the support that I have despreately needed.
My mom went to the meeting with me, she is my rock and I know she will always be with me in any moment of need that I have. I know that my first 48 hours in the hospital when I had Noel are a blur, I do not remember a lot of what happened, and until tonight I don't think I wanted to. She did bring up something that upset her and I know what she means because it upsets me as well. Part of me feels a need to explain this to not only her, but to myself, the reasoning behind why I changed the babies name from Maria Isabella to Noel Mary. My husbands mother's name was Maria, she died in 2005 and I made a promise to John before we were married that our first daughter would have her first name. Why I changed my babies name to Noel Mary was not as unselfish as I would like people to believe, I didn't want to have John, his father and his brothers to have to bury another Maria Waltz, and THAT is the reason I give most everybody. WHY I named Noel, well NOEL is because I'm selfish and I wanted MY DAUGHTER to be named after me, Noel and Natalie mean the exact same thing "Born on Christmas Day" Mary is MY middle name. NO ONE on this planet knew my daughter like I did. When it comes right down to it, if Noel had not been stillborn I would of probably named her exactly like I did. When I looked at her I knew that I made the right choice, she was a perfect little clone of ME, I have my pictures of her and I have my baby pictures now and last week I compared them, she looks EXACTLY like me. From her chubby little cheeks right down to her perfect little nose. In turn I look exactly like my own mother. I understand that some people still won't understand but at that moment when I really thought about it, the name came to me. My parent's almost named ME Noel. Regardless, my daughter and I have names that are alike, that have the same root meaning and that is what is important to me.
So now that I've "come clean" about that I want to move on.
I have another issue that I want to write about tonight and its something my husband asked of me. I don't realize how much of my anger is directed at him. Even when I'm not angry with him whatever it is that has pissed me off he is the one that has to hear about it. He is the one that all the negative energy bounces off of even when its not really his fault whatever happened happened. I do NOT mean to do this, and it upsets me that I make him feel like he is the one I'm angry at. Does he piss me off, absolutely, he is a MAN and sometimes he does or says something really stupid. But I cannot keep sounding off to him like I do, but I don't know how to keep my mouth shut when I'm mad. I need to work on how to walk away and go do something, at this point I feel like I'm pushing him beyond what is normal. So I am going to try really really hard NOT to be mad and tell him all about it if doesn't involve him. Moving on...
The kittens are getting so big, they are more like teenagers now then babies. They are showing signs of becoming more independant, Mini Me is exhibiting this much more then Magellan but Mini will come when he is called to give me kitten kisses still. Magellan has been trying to act like he doesn't need Mommy anymore but he still insists on being a vampire kitten and trying to suck on my neck. Magellan also has a "Mommy is Mine" thing going on as well. He will push Mini off of me when he tries to get to close. I love my babies and am so happy they came into my life when they did, they make me feel needed and wanted and I can "mother" them when I need to feel that closeness.
I guess that is really all my random thoughts for the night, I'm not really tired but think I need to spend some time with John and make him feel loved. Good Night!
My mom went to the meeting with me, she is my rock and I know she will always be with me in any moment of need that I have. I know that my first 48 hours in the hospital when I had Noel are a blur, I do not remember a lot of what happened, and until tonight I don't think I wanted to. She did bring up something that upset her and I know what she means because it upsets me as well. Part of me feels a need to explain this to not only her, but to myself, the reasoning behind why I changed the babies name from Maria Isabella to Noel Mary. My husbands mother's name was Maria, she died in 2005 and I made a promise to John before we were married that our first daughter would have her first name. Why I changed my babies name to Noel Mary was not as unselfish as I would like people to believe, I didn't want to have John, his father and his brothers to have to bury another Maria Waltz, and THAT is the reason I give most everybody. WHY I named Noel, well NOEL is because I'm selfish and I wanted MY DAUGHTER to be named after me, Noel and Natalie mean the exact same thing "Born on Christmas Day" Mary is MY middle name. NO ONE on this planet knew my daughter like I did. When it comes right down to it, if Noel had not been stillborn I would of probably named her exactly like I did. When I looked at her I knew that I made the right choice, she was a perfect little clone of ME, I have my pictures of her and I have my baby pictures now and last week I compared them, she looks EXACTLY like me. From her chubby little cheeks right down to her perfect little nose. In turn I look exactly like my own mother. I understand that some people still won't understand but at that moment when I really thought about it, the name came to me. My parent's almost named ME Noel. Regardless, my daughter and I have names that are alike, that have the same root meaning and that is what is important to me.
So now that I've "come clean" about that I want to move on.
I have another issue that I want to write about tonight and its something my husband asked of me. I don't realize how much of my anger is directed at him. Even when I'm not angry with him whatever it is that has pissed me off he is the one that has to hear about it. He is the one that all the negative energy bounces off of even when its not really his fault whatever happened happened. I do NOT mean to do this, and it upsets me that I make him feel like he is the one I'm angry at. Does he piss me off, absolutely, he is a MAN and sometimes he does or says something really stupid. But I cannot keep sounding off to him like I do, but I don't know how to keep my mouth shut when I'm mad. I need to work on how to walk away and go do something, at this point I feel like I'm pushing him beyond what is normal. So I am going to try really really hard NOT to be mad and tell him all about it if doesn't involve him. Moving on...
The kittens are getting so big, they are more like teenagers now then babies. They are showing signs of becoming more independant, Mini Me is exhibiting this much more then Magellan but Mini will come when he is called to give me kitten kisses still. Magellan has been trying to act like he doesn't need Mommy anymore but he still insists on being a vampire kitten and trying to suck on my neck. Magellan also has a "Mommy is Mine" thing going on as well. He will push Mini off of me when he tries to get to close. I love my babies and am so happy they came into my life when they did, they make me feel needed and wanted and I can "mother" them when I need to feel that closeness.
I guess that is really all my random thoughts for the night, I'm not really tired but think I need to spend some time with John and make him feel loved. Good Night!
Spring in Michigan
When you think of Spring here in Michigan you think of the crocus, tulips, daffodils etc, all the prettiness coming out. I am sitting here today with the windows open and the kittens flying between the front windows and the doorwall and I can't help but wonder how today would be if Noel was here. I know I would take her out and walk her around and start telling her what each flower is in Mommy's garden. I know she wouldn't understand but I can bet that she would love to see the little green shoots coming out all over the place. I just remember that last year at this time I was still adjusting to being pregnant. I was craving Tubby's Sub's and would make John go out there at least twice a week to satisfy my craving, it drove him nuts. The closest Tubby's is out in East Waterford, and its about 45 mins from our house.
I am frustrated today because John is off and instead of spending the day with me, he takes off and goes with his brother Joe. Normally I wouldn't mind, but as he has worked everyday this week and I have been basically trapped at home I was really hoping we could do something together. I am also frustrated that we haven't received any of my money from Unemployment, so I can't go anywhere that i want to because I don't have the gas to get there and no money to spend once I reach the destination. Not that I NEED anything, I just don't want to sit at home and do nothing, I have done so much house and garden work this week that I'm burnt out, I want to just GO somewhere, even if it is garage saling. I'm really sore from all the yard work, and need to take it easy today not because I WANT TO but because my body is TELLING me that is how its gonna be today.
I guess I could go to my mom's house, I am going later and I only have enough gas to get there and home. Thankfully John get's paid tomorrow and I can put a little gas in my tank. I could beg mom to let me come earlier so I could take a bath, maybe soak out some of the soreness, it always help at least for a little while. And I'm sure she would say come on over, but I feel like I'm imposing on her and my dad. What I need is to win the lottery and become independantly wealthy and I can install my own jacuzzi.
Well I don't have anything else say right now, so I'll stop typing.
I am frustrated today because John is off and instead of spending the day with me, he takes off and goes with his brother Joe. Normally I wouldn't mind, but as he has worked everyday this week and I have been basically trapped at home I was really hoping we could do something together. I am also frustrated that we haven't received any of my money from Unemployment, so I can't go anywhere that i want to because I don't have the gas to get there and no money to spend once I reach the destination. Not that I NEED anything, I just don't want to sit at home and do nothing, I have done so much house and garden work this week that I'm burnt out, I want to just GO somewhere, even if it is garage saling. I'm really sore from all the yard work, and need to take it easy today not because I WANT TO but because my body is TELLING me that is how its gonna be today.
I guess I could go to my mom's house, I am going later and I only have enough gas to get there and home. Thankfully John get's paid tomorrow and I can put a little gas in my tank. I could beg mom to let me come earlier so I could take a bath, maybe soak out some of the soreness, it always help at least for a little while. And I'm sure she would say come on over, but I feel like I'm imposing on her and my dad. What I need is to win the lottery and become independantly wealthy and I can install my own jacuzzi.
Well I don't have anything else say right now, so I'll stop typing.
Monday, March 12, 2012
To sleep or not to sleep...
Tonight, once again I'm awake at 1am. I went to bed at 11:30, read a little of my book, fell asleep while reading said book and woke up for a brief moment to put the book down and turn off the light. Oh yeah, baby Magellan thought it was the right time to jump into bed with mommy and proceed to be vampire kitten. He has this deal and it happens every single night, that when I light goes off he comes into bed with me and begins trying to suck my neck, my face or any other crevice he can get himself into. This of course wakes me up because its such a weird feeling. I know he needs reassurances that I'm there and that I love him. That I'm mommy and he just needs to be close, but I need to sleep and I can't do that if I'm constantly pushing a kitten off my neck.
Now I'm awake and that's not a good thing for me. This is the time of night that I start thinking about Noel the most, when the whole house is sleeping and its finally quiet, there aren't any kittens that need looking after and no husband to ask me to find this or get that or where is that thing he was looking for. I'm alone with my own thoughts and my thoughts drive me insane most of the time. I wonder how different our lives would be at this moment if Noel was asleep up in her crib. How would she be? During my pregnancy night time was when she was most active, when I would lay down to sleep after a long day she would remind me very forcefully that she was there. Night time was when I would talk to her, I would read to her and I would sing softly to her. It was our time. But really most nights I would read for about 30 mins before I would just pass out from exhaustion. Somehow she knew when my voice would change, as I began to read slower she somehow knew that it was time to settle down and relax. I remember that last night, I had been to my mom's 2 times that day to take bath's because I was so sore and I couldn't move and it was the only way to relax ME, but I know she liked to go in the tub. I went to my parent's almost every day the last couple of weeks I was pregnant to take a bath and my dad would laugh and ask me if I was there to drown the baby again. Bath time was relaxation time for both of us, when bath time was over it was easiest to sleep because I was relaxed and so was she. I know she loved bath time and I think I went over as much for her as I did for myself. I loved to sit in the tub and watch her shift positions and watch my entire stomach move, it was an odd feeling but it was also odd to watch.
I guess I'm talking about bath time because I just went over this evening to have a bath, my period decided to start a couple of days early and my cramps got the best of me today. This morning I had no idea it was coming. Its still a bit of a shock to me when I start my period, because through your whole pregnancy you dread any kind of bleeding and it became second nature to me to watch out for it. I realize that I am not pregnant any longer, I'm not completely crazy, but when you don't have your child you pause for a moment, remember and then go forward, its that moment that I pause when I realize I'm bleeding that first day. Its a weird feeling, my heart makes a slight jump and my instant response is to go to the hospital and then within that same second I remember again that I'm not pregnant and I don't have to do anything but find the tampons and the midol. The second thought is that we were unsuccessful in conceiving again this month. I have only been able to TRY for 2 cycles now, but with the loss of my job we STOPPED trying this month, we don't have insurance and I want to secure another job before I get pregnant again. I guess really next month we will be able to try again if all the paperwork goes through at McLaren and I am just waiting to hear when I need to go in and do my physical and drug screen. But I really hate that we had to take this last month off. More than anything in the world I want to get pregnant again, I'm scared as hell about it, but its what I want most. I just want to get on with it so I can start going to the doc and seeing the ultrasounds and hearing the babies heartbeat. That was my favorite part of my doctor appointments, when they put that think up to my belly and I could hear Noel and KNOW she was okay. I swear my next pregnancy I will have one of those prenatal monitors straped to me at all times with one of the ear plugs always attached so I can hear a heartbeat at all times. Losing Noel like we did I can't risk anything and if I can hear my baby all the time then I will know that he or she is okay. I can't ask the what if's anymore, I can't ask what if I had one of those that day/night before I went into the hospital. I know that if her heart stopped beating there wouldn't have been anyway to save her even then, I know now that there is only 6 minutes from the time that the heart stops to death. But I wonder sometimes if I had one would I have heard something that would of made me go to the hospital earlier. If there would of been something to indicate there was a problem. This is what torments me, I keep going back to the what if's and it really drives me crazy. But I promise, my first purchase the day I find out I'm pregnant will be a prenatal monitor, I will find the money to get one, in fact I might even buy one BEFORE I KNOW ANYTHING to make damn sure I have it. To me, that is the one thing I have GOT to absolutely have. I need to go to bed.
Now I'm awake and that's not a good thing for me. This is the time of night that I start thinking about Noel the most, when the whole house is sleeping and its finally quiet, there aren't any kittens that need looking after and no husband to ask me to find this or get that or where is that thing he was looking for. I'm alone with my own thoughts and my thoughts drive me insane most of the time. I wonder how different our lives would be at this moment if Noel was asleep up in her crib. How would she be? During my pregnancy night time was when she was most active, when I would lay down to sleep after a long day she would remind me very forcefully that she was there. Night time was when I would talk to her, I would read to her and I would sing softly to her. It was our time. But really most nights I would read for about 30 mins before I would just pass out from exhaustion. Somehow she knew when my voice would change, as I began to read slower she somehow knew that it was time to settle down and relax. I remember that last night, I had been to my mom's 2 times that day to take bath's because I was so sore and I couldn't move and it was the only way to relax ME, but I know she liked to go in the tub. I went to my parent's almost every day the last couple of weeks I was pregnant to take a bath and my dad would laugh and ask me if I was there to drown the baby again. Bath time was relaxation time for both of us, when bath time was over it was easiest to sleep because I was relaxed and so was she. I know she loved bath time and I think I went over as much for her as I did for myself. I loved to sit in the tub and watch her shift positions and watch my entire stomach move, it was an odd feeling but it was also odd to watch.
I guess I'm talking about bath time because I just went over this evening to have a bath, my period decided to start a couple of days early and my cramps got the best of me today. This morning I had no idea it was coming. Its still a bit of a shock to me when I start my period, because through your whole pregnancy you dread any kind of bleeding and it became second nature to me to watch out for it. I realize that I am not pregnant any longer, I'm not completely crazy, but when you don't have your child you pause for a moment, remember and then go forward, its that moment that I pause when I realize I'm bleeding that first day. Its a weird feeling, my heart makes a slight jump and my instant response is to go to the hospital and then within that same second I remember again that I'm not pregnant and I don't have to do anything but find the tampons and the midol. The second thought is that we were unsuccessful in conceiving again this month. I have only been able to TRY for 2 cycles now, but with the loss of my job we STOPPED trying this month, we don't have insurance and I want to secure another job before I get pregnant again. I guess really next month we will be able to try again if all the paperwork goes through at McLaren and I am just waiting to hear when I need to go in and do my physical and drug screen. But I really hate that we had to take this last month off. More than anything in the world I want to get pregnant again, I'm scared as hell about it, but its what I want most. I just want to get on with it so I can start going to the doc and seeing the ultrasounds and hearing the babies heartbeat. That was my favorite part of my doctor appointments, when they put that think up to my belly and I could hear Noel and KNOW she was okay. I swear my next pregnancy I will have one of those prenatal monitors straped to me at all times with one of the ear plugs always attached so I can hear a heartbeat at all times. Losing Noel like we did I can't risk anything and if I can hear my baby all the time then I will know that he or she is okay. I can't ask the what if's anymore, I can't ask what if I had one of those that day/night before I went into the hospital. I know that if her heart stopped beating there wouldn't have been anyway to save her even then, I know now that there is only 6 minutes from the time that the heart stops to death. But I wonder sometimes if I had one would I have heard something that would of made me go to the hospital earlier. If there would of been something to indicate there was a problem. This is what torments me, I keep going back to the what if's and it really drives me crazy. But I promise, my first purchase the day I find out I'm pregnant will be a prenatal monitor, I will find the money to get one, in fact I might even buy one BEFORE I KNOW ANYTHING to make damn sure I have it. To me, that is the one thing I have GOT to absolutely have. I need to go to bed.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Noel's Garden
"If love could of spared you you would live forever"
This is the stone my cousin and friend Marianne gave to me shortly after I came home from the hospital after having my little girl Noel. This stone has her name and birthdate engraved on it as well as the above quotation. I worked in baby Noel's garden today and I am thinking of my little girl and where she would be in her development today. It isn't difficult to know almost exactly where she would be. I have a friend whose little girl was born only a few days before my precious Noel. I see pictures of her about every other day on facebook and those pictures to me are very bitter sweet. I can see where Noel would of been had she had a chance at life.
Today really wasn't anything special, it was just really our first nice day here in Michigan for early spring. There were not any triggers that set me into thinking about Noel or aching to hold her or to kiss her or just to see her with my own eyes. It was a day just like any other. However, I know that she would have been outside with her Daddy and me working in the yard. Its only hard because she isn't here, and she can't be. I wish every moment of everyday that Noel was here with us. Where she belongs.
John and I are getting ready to try again for baby #2. I just secured a new position and will hopefully start work within the next week or so. We were cleared in January to begin again, but I lost my job and we had to put those plans on hold so we could make sure we were covered under insurance. The decision to begin again has not been an easy one. While more than anything I want to have a baby of my own, I feel guilty. I feel as if I'm attempting to replace Noel with another baby.
I have two kittens now that I brought home on Jan 2. They are the sweetest twin little boys that I have ever had. They seem to know exactly when Mommy needs some extra love, they know when my mood changes and I start to sink into the ever present depression. I try everyday to fight through it, but the fighting is starting to tire me out, I find myself losing control and acting out a lot lately. Mostly its anger that comes out, I will get mad about something and will dwell on it until I blow a simply problem out of proportion. My parent's and husband want me to begin attending a special group for mother's like me. Mother's who have had the devastating loss of their newborn. I have joined the FB page and am already communicating with other members. I do look forward to the first meeting where I can see these women face to face and put their stories with their faces. I am trying very hard not to lose control but as I said it takes a lot of effort for me to do so and when I don't keep a firm grip I do lose it. This issue I know is normal, it happens to most people that have been through a loss like mine, but I don't like losing control, I don't like how it makes me feel. I want it all to stop. I want my craziness to go away. I feel that if anybody but my family see's me lose it that I will lose my friends. That they won't want to deal with someone like me, that I'm "Poor Natalie". I really HATE when I look at someone and I see that in their eyes. I also find myself turning inwards, not wanting to make new friends and not really trying to keep the friends that I do have. I have been pushing people away from me, not accepting peoples help. Not letting anybody in, because I swear if I did let them in and they really saw the mess that I was in that they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I have become suicidal at times, well since I'm being honest I feel suicidal most of the time, I just don't have anybody close to me that understands me anymore. The only thing lately that has kept me going are John and the kittens. I know that my husband wouldn't make it without me. He is the one person that went through and shared most of my emotions through the last few months. There are few emotions that I have that he doesn't share. However, I obviously have so many more homones than he does. My brain doesn't work like his does. I believe that anti-depressents would help me, however I cannot risk the side effects that they could have on my next pregnancy. There are so many birth defects that they are linked to I cannot take a chance. Time is NOT on my side at this point in my life, In a few short weeks I will be 37 and ALL my risks go up again with another year added to my age. Its scary enough for me to commit to another pregnancy, to go through the morning sickness and aching pelvis that by week 30 will be excrutiatingly painful. To the point that I will not be able to get out of my bed some days. I suffered terribly through my pregnancy with Noel, and look what it got me. NOTHING. I have a few pictures a foot print and a lock of my daughters hair. I am thankful that I CAN have another baby, but I'm so afraid of what might happen that part of me doesn't even want to try. Obviously the larger, saner part of me wants to have another baby, my husband wants another baby and my family wants me to have another baby. Most importantly my desire to be a mom drives me.
I have a lot more work to do in Noels' Garden, I want to find a bench that I can put in it where I can sit, I need to find a shepards hook for the dragonfly iron sculptur my mom found for me to go into it to hang from. I want to find a couple more butterfly bushes to go into it as well. there are also a few more flowers I want to put in it as well. Stargazer Lillies, some petunias, and pansy's. I look forward to summer so I can see how it all is going to come together. I hope in reality its as beautiful to look at as I picture it in my mind.
I have only shared this blog address with one person. I don't know if she will ever read through it, but I think sharing it with certain people will help me. Not that they need to read it but maybe I need some validation. Knowing that I'm writing this, that I have poured a lot of myself into it. I want to give my closest friends the opportunity to finally see into my life a little more, into my heart. To know how I truly as feeling. I also know there is one post here in particular regarding John and music, that issue has since resolved itself. We have agreed to disagree.
One day soon maybe I'll be able to post things here that are more happy then sad, but for now I need to release those things that are in my mind. The "demons" for lack of a better word. I live with them everyday, its not a nice place to be most days, but I work on it everyday. I try everyday to move forward, but its like walking in super sticky mud, that steals your boots and socks. Then the days that I get stuck in quicksand and feel like I'm sinking and I can't get out, those are the darkest days, days that I don't like to recall or remember. Most of those are in the past, they happened shortly after I came home from the hospital. But I will have one every so often. Those are the days when I have lost control. Only a few people have seen me lose control, John and my parent's and unfortunately John's younger brother Joe. I feel embarrassed because those are people that are very close to me, and I don't want them to see me like that. That is why I have pulled away, because I'm scared that I will lose it, when I do its scary. I don't like for ANYBODY to see me like that, I wish that I could just put myself into a padded cell until I can get myself out of that state, but its not possible. I'm completely rational at this moment, I promise, but talking about my feelings even to myself to get them out isn't easy. I"m sure its not easy to read. I feel like I SHOULD share this with those friends and relatives that are closest. I think I will I intend to, I want to.
Please remember, some of what is written here was written when I was in the lowest parts of my greiving process, some days I'm better then others.
Natalie
This is the stone my cousin and friend Marianne gave to me shortly after I came home from the hospital after having my little girl Noel. This stone has her name and birthdate engraved on it as well as the above quotation. I worked in baby Noel's garden today and I am thinking of my little girl and where she would be in her development today. It isn't difficult to know almost exactly where she would be. I have a friend whose little girl was born only a few days before my precious Noel. I see pictures of her about every other day on facebook and those pictures to me are very bitter sweet. I can see where Noel would of been had she had a chance at life.
Today really wasn't anything special, it was just really our first nice day here in Michigan for early spring. There were not any triggers that set me into thinking about Noel or aching to hold her or to kiss her or just to see her with my own eyes. It was a day just like any other. However, I know that she would have been outside with her Daddy and me working in the yard. Its only hard because she isn't here, and she can't be. I wish every moment of everyday that Noel was here with us. Where she belongs.
John and I are getting ready to try again for baby #2. I just secured a new position and will hopefully start work within the next week or so. We were cleared in January to begin again, but I lost my job and we had to put those plans on hold so we could make sure we were covered under insurance. The decision to begin again has not been an easy one. While more than anything I want to have a baby of my own, I feel guilty. I feel as if I'm attempting to replace Noel with another baby.
I have two kittens now that I brought home on Jan 2. They are the sweetest twin little boys that I have ever had. They seem to know exactly when Mommy needs some extra love, they know when my mood changes and I start to sink into the ever present depression. I try everyday to fight through it, but the fighting is starting to tire me out, I find myself losing control and acting out a lot lately. Mostly its anger that comes out, I will get mad about something and will dwell on it until I blow a simply problem out of proportion. My parent's and husband want me to begin attending a special group for mother's like me. Mother's who have had the devastating loss of their newborn. I have joined the FB page and am already communicating with other members. I do look forward to the first meeting where I can see these women face to face and put their stories with their faces. I am trying very hard not to lose control but as I said it takes a lot of effort for me to do so and when I don't keep a firm grip I do lose it. This issue I know is normal, it happens to most people that have been through a loss like mine, but I don't like losing control, I don't like how it makes me feel. I want it all to stop. I want my craziness to go away. I feel that if anybody but my family see's me lose it that I will lose my friends. That they won't want to deal with someone like me, that I'm "Poor Natalie". I really HATE when I look at someone and I see that in their eyes. I also find myself turning inwards, not wanting to make new friends and not really trying to keep the friends that I do have. I have been pushing people away from me, not accepting peoples help. Not letting anybody in, because I swear if I did let them in and they really saw the mess that I was in that they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I have become suicidal at times, well since I'm being honest I feel suicidal most of the time, I just don't have anybody close to me that understands me anymore. The only thing lately that has kept me going are John and the kittens. I know that my husband wouldn't make it without me. He is the one person that went through and shared most of my emotions through the last few months. There are few emotions that I have that he doesn't share. However, I obviously have so many more homones than he does. My brain doesn't work like his does. I believe that anti-depressents would help me, however I cannot risk the side effects that they could have on my next pregnancy. There are so many birth defects that they are linked to I cannot take a chance. Time is NOT on my side at this point in my life, In a few short weeks I will be 37 and ALL my risks go up again with another year added to my age. Its scary enough for me to commit to another pregnancy, to go through the morning sickness and aching pelvis that by week 30 will be excrutiatingly painful. To the point that I will not be able to get out of my bed some days. I suffered terribly through my pregnancy with Noel, and look what it got me. NOTHING. I have a few pictures a foot print and a lock of my daughters hair. I am thankful that I CAN have another baby, but I'm so afraid of what might happen that part of me doesn't even want to try. Obviously the larger, saner part of me wants to have another baby, my husband wants another baby and my family wants me to have another baby. Most importantly my desire to be a mom drives me.
I have a lot more work to do in Noels' Garden, I want to find a bench that I can put in it where I can sit, I need to find a shepards hook for the dragonfly iron sculptur my mom found for me to go into it to hang from. I want to find a couple more butterfly bushes to go into it as well. there are also a few more flowers I want to put in it as well. Stargazer Lillies, some petunias, and pansy's. I look forward to summer so I can see how it all is going to come together. I hope in reality its as beautiful to look at as I picture it in my mind.
I have only shared this blog address with one person. I don't know if she will ever read through it, but I think sharing it with certain people will help me. Not that they need to read it but maybe I need some validation. Knowing that I'm writing this, that I have poured a lot of myself into it. I want to give my closest friends the opportunity to finally see into my life a little more, into my heart. To know how I truly as feeling. I also know there is one post here in particular regarding John and music, that issue has since resolved itself. We have agreed to disagree.
One day soon maybe I'll be able to post things here that are more happy then sad, but for now I need to release those things that are in my mind. The "demons" for lack of a better word. I live with them everyday, its not a nice place to be most days, but I work on it everyday. I try everyday to move forward, but its like walking in super sticky mud, that steals your boots and socks. Then the days that I get stuck in quicksand and feel like I'm sinking and I can't get out, those are the darkest days, days that I don't like to recall or remember. Most of those are in the past, they happened shortly after I came home from the hospital. But I will have one every so often. Those are the days when I have lost control. Only a few people have seen me lose control, John and my parent's and unfortunately John's younger brother Joe. I feel embarrassed because those are people that are very close to me, and I don't want them to see me like that. That is why I have pulled away, because I'm scared that I will lose it, when I do its scary. I don't like for ANYBODY to see me like that, I wish that I could just put myself into a padded cell until I can get myself out of that state, but its not possible. I'm completely rational at this moment, I promise, but talking about my feelings even to myself to get them out isn't easy. I"m sure its not easy to read. I feel like I SHOULD share this with those friends and relatives that are closest. I think I will I intend to, I want to.
Please remember, some of what is written here was written when I was in the lowest parts of my greiving process, some days I'm better then others.
Natalie
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Now that Christmas is over...
Honestly, Christmas is my most favorite time of year, my husband and I know that Noel was conceived last year around Christmas/New Years, when she was inuterio her name was Maria Isabella, after my husbands deceased mother. However, when the doctors and nurses told us that the baby had died I refused to name her after Maria, I didn't want to put Johns Dad or Brothers or HIM through another burial of a Maria Waltz...It was hard on all of us the first time around. My name is Natalie its French as are 1/2 of my ancestors and it means "Born on Christmas Day" my mom is also a huge Christmas nut. Noel means the same thing as my name does, and we also gave her my middle name.
Anyway, I apologize for the ramble. Needless to say Christmas Day for me was pure torture, I cried about 5 times that day, in the morning when I first woke up and knowing there wasn't a single present under the tree was so depressing, sitting there in the early morning and looking at an empty Christmas tree is enough to make anybody cry, but that isn't why I cried that morning, I was crying because I knew I was missing out on something super cool and that was to be Santa for the very first time for my own child. And then the remembering that my own child is no longer with me, that she is under a grave blanket in the cemetary and she is cold. THAT is what I thought about Christmas Morning. And I kept thinking along that line of thought all day, it didn't matter that my family was extra careful around me, or that everybody knows what I deal with on a daily basis but they don't see it and when they do they withdraw from me. I was always the bright spot, I loved being the center of attention and was kind of the favorite of everybody in the family. In some aspects I still am, but EVERYBODY noticed when I was the one to withdraw, when I wasn't hamming it up and playing with everyone. They all noticed that my sparkle was gone, and it still is, and I pray that one day it will come back. But its hard for me to even smile most days let alone play around with my family.
It doesn't matter at this point how much time has passed since Noel's death, its still as fresh and hurts just as much as it has from the beginning...
Anyway, I apologize for the ramble. Needless to say Christmas Day for me was pure torture, I cried about 5 times that day, in the morning when I first woke up and knowing there wasn't a single present under the tree was so depressing, sitting there in the early morning and looking at an empty Christmas tree is enough to make anybody cry, but that isn't why I cried that morning, I was crying because I knew I was missing out on something super cool and that was to be Santa for the very first time for my own child. And then the remembering that my own child is no longer with me, that she is under a grave blanket in the cemetary and she is cold. THAT is what I thought about Christmas Morning. And I kept thinking along that line of thought all day, it didn't matter that my family was extra careful around me, or that everybody knows what I deal with on a daily basis but they don't see it and when they do they withdraw from me. I was always the bright spot, I loved being the center of attention and was kind of the favorite of everybody in the family. In some aspects I still am, but EVERYBODY noticed when I was the one to withdraw, when I wasn't hamming it up and playing with everyone. They all noticed that my sparkle was gone, and it still is, and I pray that one day it will come back. But its hard for me to even smile most days let alone play around with my family.
It doesn't matter at this point how much time has passed since Noel's death, its still as fresh and hurts just as much as it has from the beginning...
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Last Night...
When you have a child and that child is stillborn as a mother even if all the doctors and everyone around you tells you that what happened wasn't your fault, that this tragedy that you have to face, go through and come out of wasn't created by you, that you have no blame, you can't help yourself, you feel guilty. I have felt overwhelming guilt from hour zero. Hour zero is the time in my life that everything I ever wanted was abruptly ripped away from me. My world tilted on an axis and hasn't righted itself since.
My husband doesn't like top 40 music, in fact he hates it and says that its not real music, but last night he said something to me that upset me so much that I just started crying in the car. Basically he told me because I listened to this particular type of music that the beat could of been a contibuting factor in our daughter's demise. I took this as because I made the choice of listening to music with a funky beat that I somehow am responsible for my daughters death.
John is NOT an unfeeling person, he isn't an ass and normally is just joking around when he says stuff to me, but this last night was just the last straw for me. I really do feel as though he truly believes that it was my fault that Noel passed away. That this off color remark really is how he feels. I need to talk to him about it but I do not know how to say what I need to. I need to remind him that we were told so many times that this isn't our fault, my fault, that I couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened. Last night I was to upset to say anything, I still feel almost to upset to say anything. In my heart I do believe he thinks that something I did during my pregnancy that ended our childs life prematurely.
I needed a forum to vent my frustrations out on today. I don't know what to say or how to even bring this up to him, but he cannot say anything like this ever again.
My husband doesn't like top 40 music, in fact he hates it and says that its not real music, but last night he said something to me that upset me so much that I just started crying in the car. Basically he told me because I listened to this particular type of music that the beat could of been a contibuting factor in our daughter's demise. I took this as because I made the choice of listening to music with a funky beat that I somehow am responsible for my daughters death.
John is NOT an unfeeling person, he isn't an ass and normally is just joking around when he says stuff to me, but this last night was just the last straw for me. I really do feel as though he truly believes that it was my fault that Noel passed away. That this off color remark really is how he feels. I need to talk to him about it but I do not know how to say what I need to. I need to remind him that we were told so many times that this isn't our fault, my fault, that I couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened. Last night I was to upset to say anything, I still feel almost to upset to say anything. In my heart I do believe he thinks that something I did during my pregnancy that ended our childs life prematurely.
I needed a forum to vent my frustrations out on today. I don't know what to say or how to even bring this up to him, but he cannot say anything like this ever again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)