Now that Christmas is over...

Honestly, Christmas is my most favorite time of year, my husband and I know that Noel was conceived last year around Christmas/New Years, when she was inuterio her name was Maria Isabella, after my husbands deceased mother.  However, when the doctors and nurses told us that the baby had died I refused to name her after Maria, I didn't want to put Johns Dad or Brothers or HIM through another burial of a Maria Waltz...It was hard on all of us the first time around.  My name is Natalie its French as are 1/2 of my ancestors and it means "Born on Christmas Day" my mom is also a huge Christmas nut.  Noel means the same thing as my name does, and we also gave her my middle name. 
Anyway, I apologize for the ramble.  Needless to say Christmas Day for me was pure torture, I cried about 5 times that day, in the morning when I first woke up and knowing there wasn't a single present under the tree was so depressing, sitting there in the early morning and looking at an empty Christmas tree is enough to make anybody cry, but that isn't why I cried that morning, I was crying because I knew I was missing out on something super cool and that was to be Santa for the very first time for my own child.  And then the remembering that my own child is no longer with me, that she is under a grave blanket in the cemetary and she is cold.  THAT is what I thought about Christmas Morning.  And I kept thinking along that line of thought all day, it didn't matter that my family was extra careful around me, or that everybody knows what I deal with on a daily basis but they don't see it and when they do they withdraw from me.  I was always the bright spot, I loved being the center of attention and was kind of the favorite of everybody in the family.  In some aspects I still am, but EVERYBODY noticed when I was the one to withdraw, when I wasn't hamming it up and playing with everyone.  They all noticed that my sparkle was gone, and it still is, and I pray that one day it will come back.  But its hard for me to even smile most days let alone play around with my family. 
It doesn't matter at this point how much time has passed since Noel's death, its still as fresh and hurts just as much as it has from the beginning...

Last Night...

When you have a child and that child is stillborn as a mother even if all the doctors and everyone around you tells you that what happened wasn't your fault, that this tragedy that you have to face, go through and come out of wasn't created by you, that you have no blame, you can't help yourself, you feel guilty.  I have felt overwhelming guilt from hour zero.  Hour zero is the time in my life that everything I ever wanted was abruptly ripped away from me.  My world tilted on an axis and hasn't righted itself since. 
My husband doesn't like top 40 music, in fact he hates it and says that its not real music, but last night he said something to me that upset me so much that I just started crying in the car.  Basically he told me because I listened to this particular type of music that the beat could of been a contibuting factor in our daughter's demise.  I took this as because I made the choice of listening to music with a funky beat that I somehow am responsible for my daughters death. 

John is NOT an unfeeling person, he isn't an ass and normally is just joking around when he says stuff to me, but this last night was just the last straw for me.  I really do feel as though he truly believes that it was my fault that Noel passed away.  That this off color remark really is how he feels.  I need to talk to him about it but I do not know how to say what I need to.  I need to remind him that we were told so many times that this isn't our fault, my fault, that I couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened.  Last night I was to upset to say anything, I still feel almost to upset to say anything.  In my heart I do believe he thinks that something I did during my pregnancy that ended our childs life prematurely. 
I needed a forum to vent my frustrations out on today.  I don't know what to say or how to even bring this up to him, but he cannot say anything like this ever again. 

Thanksgiving Day...What am I thankful for?

I have a lot that I am thankful for in my life.  I have a wonderful caring loving husband, a family that always sticks together and some of the best people on this planet I'm lucky to count as friends.  I am thankful for my home, my job and all the other things that come along with it. 
Obviously this year was hard, it was hard playing with my niece who is 10 months old and not thinking about how different yesterday would of been if Noel was with us.  Its hard to remember all the things I do have in my life when such a huge piece is missing.  I have a feeling that this time next year I will have a baby of my own.  But I can never replace my precious Noel, all I can do is continue to honor her memory and create a new life without her.
I can't wait for the day when I get to tell John that I'm pregnant, I think I'm going to keep the secret this time just between us for the first trimester and not even tell my family or friends.  Just keep the secret for a little while and cherish it with just my husband.  Not sure I will be able to keep my mouth shut for that long, but I'm going to try.
I'm really not looking forward to Christmas this year, I'm trying to remember all the good of the season and not dwell in the what if's but its hard, I mean Santa would of actually come to my house this year, LOL.  I just keep seeing different things that I would of bought if Noel was with us.  The toys, out fits etc...Its really hard NOT to buy them and have them for the next time around.  But then I'm looking at mostly girlie stuff and Lord knows I would have a boy next. 
Well that is pretty much all I have to say for now, not a lot today because I am trying not to over think everything.  Thanks for reading.

The Beginning of Another Week...

I know that we are getting into the holiday season, but I can't seem to shake the funk that I'm in to even try and get excited for it.  Christmas time has been for my whole life my favorite time of year.  This year things seem different, totally off and I can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm I felt just last year for the holiday.  I guess I keep thinking that this would of been Noel's first Thanksgiving and Christmas and we don't have her here to share it with us.  She was conceived during the holidays last year, we know that and I think that is what is effecting me so dramatically this year.  I wish my little bundle of joy could be here to share the season with us.  People say she is never far from us, and I know she isn't I just wish that she was here to share in the joy of Christmas for the first time.  I guess that I will have to get over these feelings, put on the happy face and try and enjoy my family and friends this time of year but its going to be so hard.  I am at work thinking about starting to decorate for the season, but again something is stopping me, I just can't get the energy of will to make it all come together. 

There are days that I think about what I am doing, like today I am at work, its slow today so I have a few extra minutes to get some of my thoughts out before they make my brain explode.  I think about how my day would of started, would Noel have been fussy this morning when Grandma got to the house to watch her?  Would she miss me all day while I was at work?  How weird it is for me to think these things as there is no precedent, Noel was our first child, we have no idea what it is to be parent's, but we weren't even given a chance to try it out.  I just wonder how different our lives would be today had she made it, had everything not gone so ridiculously wrong.  I guess I will have to wait another year before I get to even think about these feelings.  I believe that our next baby will be born sometime next year right about now, if all goes well.  97% of parent's that have had a cord accident like ours end up having healthy and happy babies the next time around.  They don't tell you about the other 3% do they?  What happens if I'm in that 3% next time around, I have got to be honest, it scares the hell out of me.  Granted I completely intend on doing a few things differently this time around.  Through my last pregnancy I drank 2 cups of coffee everyday, of course this didn't cause my daughters death but it did make her a more active baby.  I want the worlds calmest baby, one that doesn't do cartwheels in my belly for months like Noel did.  God knows that I want to do everything right, to insure my childs safety.  Do I blame myself for Noel's death, yes there is a part of me that wonders if I stayed away from the coffee, didn't have those couple of soda's (I think I only drank 1 a week) or did I use to much sugar.  Did I make her to active.  Was it my actions that led to her cord being tied in that knot?  All these things fly through my head daily, I do essentially blame myself I can't help it and most mothers can't. 

I just wish I could get through this time period of mourning and move on to a better place.  One where I'm okay with my world again.  Something tells me things are never going to feel right again, there is always going to be one piece of my puzzle always missing.  She will not be able to ever fill in her space again.  I just pray that next time around things will be different.  That we will have a living, breathing, healthy baby in a year.  That we will be able to make it through the pregnancy with no hang ups and nothing wrong.  I don't know, I just pray that we can do it.  I think I'm more worried about the "getting pregnant" then the actual pregnancy.  Some women after c-section have a difficult time, I really hope this doesn't happen to us.  But I guess whatever hand we are dealt again we will just have to play it out and see what happens next.  No one can tell the future and if they say they can they are lying to you.  I guess you just have to take each card dealt and deal with it the best way you can.

Attempting to conceive again...

I can't get pregnant again until the end of January.  In a way this depresses me more then I want to think about or really even talk about.  My best friend I love her dearly she has always been there for me through thick and thin just found out that she is pregnant.  I DO NOT begrudge her a child of her own, I want to make that perfectly clear.  Honestly they have been trying to get pregnant longer then my husband and I.  My friend had to go through fertility treatments and IUI's to get pregnant, they have been trying for well over a year.  I feel a little bit jealous that she is pregnant now and I have to wait until she is almost half way through before I can even START trying.  We think that its neat that our kids will be close in age, my Noel would of been almost a year older had she lived. 
I am sad that I have this feeling of jealousy, I don't like feeling that way but I also cannot help it, I can't stop it so I have to roll with it and not let her even for a second think that I'm not blissfully happy for her.  I KNOW she has wanted a baby for years and she finally has her shot, just because my first baby died doesn't mean I don't understand her.  I just wish I had an all clear to start trying NOW.  I realize that I have to wait, that its healthy for me to wait both mentally and physically, but it makes me mad that I even have to go through all of this.  Its completely upsetting. 
I am working on my anger management issues that I apparently have developed, I never used to bite peoples heads off but its becoming more and more common for me to go off and then feel horrible later.  That isn't me and I think most people know that its not me talking but I'm sick of apologizing so I try and hold things back.  Sometimes I wish I could just tell people EXACTLY what I think of them and where they can go and how they can get there.  But then I wouldn't have my job, my family or my friends...
I know that once February/March comes around and I can start trying to conceive again that I'll feel better.  I know that once its confirmed that I'm pregnant all the negative feelings I have will leave me.  I just pray that we are able to get pregnant as quickly the second time around.

8 Weeks ago today...

Thursday's are NEVER a good day for me.  8 weeks ago today Noel was born. 

The problem with Thursday is that I remember all the pain I went through that day, I remember pushing and trying so hard to give birth to my baby girl that no longer was alive.  I remember the moment the doctors called for the c-section because I was in such excruitating pain and was begging them to take the baby out.  Even at that time they didn't know how stuck little Noel's head was in my pelvis.  There is a part of me that knows absolutley had things gone differently that my little girl would of most likely had cerebral palsey because of the circumstances resulting from her birth.  To look at me you would NEVER for a minute think that my pelvis was to small for an 8lb 10oz little girl, but it is. The last 4 weeks of my pregnancy I was in constant pain, my whole pelvis constantly hurt because the baby was to big for me.  But back to what I said before, I know that had Noel been born something would have been wrong, she was so stuck the doctor had to go back through the birth canal and push her out of the incision for the c-section.  There is absolutely no comfort for me even knowing this small piece of information.  It doesn't matter if something would of been wrong with her I would of loved her anyway.  But I also know her quality of life wouldn't have been what her Daddy and I wanted for her.  Knowing all of this doesn't fix the hurt of not having her, sometimes it actually hurts more because we have wondered if that is why God did take her.  Regardless, my husband and I can't continue with the what if's, it makes us crazy.  You have to be strong to move forward, to let go of the what if's and move on. Writing this blog is my way of getting all that I am thinking and feeling out, even if no body in the whole world reads it, it helps me to express myself in a way that isn't easy for me at all.  I am one of those people who doesn't open up to strangers, I keep my business to myself and try and stay out of other peoples affairs.  But there is a time when you do have to open up.  You have to release the deamons inside you so you can allow yourself to heal.  This blog allows me to do that. 
I had a co-worker and I am going to most likely screw up what she said but it was something like this:
Whatever the worst that has happened to you, is the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to you as a person.   We all have one friend that tries to "one up" us.  That whatever happened to them was WAY worse then what happened to you.  Its all perspective and how you view your world.  What happened to my husband and myself to me is the worst possible thing that could ever happen or will ever happen in our lives.  I pray that this is in fact the worst because I don't know how much more I could possibly take.  But who knows, and that my friends is the key, you can think and preceive that the worst has happened but don't get to comfortable because its very possible that something more is on the horizon and you have to stay ready for it and remain strong.  I guess that is the end of my advice and my random thoughts for today. 

Waiting For the Storm to Pass

Have you ever been stuck in one of those horrific thunder storms, the wind is blowing at 50mph the rain is falling so hard that if you were to walk out into it the force of it would actually hurt you?  The air itself feels alive with the charge that the lightening is giving it.  Then you lose your electricity and regardless of if you have flashlights and candles you are stuck in a house with little light, no heat and it just plain blows.  You wait for the storm to blow itself out, call the electric company and pray that the heat comes on soon because otherwise you feel like your going to freeze. 
When you lose an infant child that you have nurtured for 10 months, I have no idea why everyone still calls it 9 months, but anyway, this baby you are caring for in your belly becomes your world.  Everything you eat, do, say, go everything, the baby goes with you.  You connect to the precious cargo you are carrying.  I still find myself talking to my daughter when I'm in my office by myself, in the car driving alone or when I'm trying to fall asleep at night.  She was with me for so long, and I feel like I KNEW what she was feeling.  I knew that when she moved a certain way she was listening to me, or cuddling up or sleeping.  You KNOW these things because you are so connected to the child.  When it was confirmed that my daughter had died my world erupted, everything I had been doing for months was for naught, my daughter didn't make it.  When a mother does EVERYTHING right and the end result is what happened to me the biggest question your going to continually ask is WHY?
I can tell you all right now, you will never get the answer to WHY?  In our case, as in MANY others our baby girl was perfectly healthy, she had absolutely NOTHING wrong with her.  There are parent's whose child has an abnormality of some sort, and the doctors tell you that that is the reason the baby died.  In most cases like ours, there is no answer to the question of why.  We had all the tests run on Noel, in all accounts she was a healthy baby, she had a cord knot and that is what led to her death.  I will never understand why my babies cord was in a knot or why she died just a few days before her due date.  I will never get the answer to my WHY? All they can tell me is that it was an accident, a cord accident.  I have to be honest, it makes me want to hate everything and everybody because of the circumstances I find myself now.