Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Now that Christmas is over...

Honestly, Christmas is my most favorite time of year, my husband and I know that Noel was conceived last year around Christmas/New Years, when she was inuterio her name was Maria Isabella, after my husbands deceased mother.  However, when the doctors and nurses told us that the baby had died I refused to name her after Maria, I didn't want to put Johns Dad or Brothers or HIM through another burial of a Maria Waltz...It was hard on all of us the first time around.  My name is Natalie its French as are 1/2 of my ancestors and it means "Born on Christmas Day" my mom is also a huge Christmas nut.  Noel means the same thing as my name does, and we also gave her my middle name. 
Anyway, I apologize for the ramble.  Needless to say Christmas Day for me was pure torture, I cried about 5 times that day, in the morning when I first woke up and knowing there wasn't a single present under the tree was so depressing, sitting there in the early morning and looking at an empty Christmas tree is enough to make anybody cry, but that isn't why I cried that morning, I was crying because I knew I was missing out on something super cool and that was to be Santa for the very first time for my own child.  And then the remembering that my own child is no longer with me, that she is under a grave blanket in the cemetary and she is cold.  THAT is what I thought about Christmas Morning.  And I kept thinking along that line of thought all day, it didn't matter that my family was extra careful around me, or that everybody knows what I deal with on a daily basis but they don't see it and when they do they withdraw from me.  I was always the bright spot, I loved being the center of attention and was kind of the favorite of everybody in the family.  In some aspects I still am, but EVERYBODY noticed when I was the one to withdraw, when I wasn't hamming it up and playing with everyone.  They all noticed that my sparkle was gone, and it still is, and I pray that one day it will come back.  But its hard for me to even smile most days let alone play around with my family. 
It doesn't matter at this point how much time has passed since Noel's death, its still as fresh and hurts just as much as it has from the beginning...

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Last Night...

When you have a child and that child is stillborn as a mother even if all the doctors and everyone around you tells you that what happened wasn't your fault, that this tragedy that you have to face, go through and come out of wasn't created by you, that you have no blame, you can't help yourself, you feel guilty.  I have felt overwhelming guilt from hour zero.  Hour zero is the time in my life that everything I ever wanted was abruptly ripped away from me.  My world tilted on an axis and hasn't righted itself since. 
My husband doesn't like top 40 music, in fact he hates it and says that its not real music, but last night he said something to me that upset me so much that I just started crying in the car.  Basically he told me because I listened to this particular type of music that the beat could of been a contibuting factor in our daughter's demise.  I took this as because I made the choice of listening to music with a funky beat that I somehow am responsible for my daughters death. 

John is NOT an unfeeling person, he isn't an ass and normally is just joking around when he says stuff to me, but this last night was just the last straw for me.  I really do feel as though he truly believes that it was my fault that Noel passed away.  That this off color remark really is how he feels.  I need to talk to him about it but I do not know how to say what I need to.  I need to remind him that we were told so many times that this isn't our fault, my fault, that I couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened.  Last night I was to upset to say anything, I still feel almost to upset to say anything.  In my heart I do believe he thinks that something I did during my pregnancy that ended our childs life prematurely. 
I needed a forum to vent my frustrations out on today.  I don't know what to say or how to even bring this up to him, but he cannot say anything like this ever again.