Thursday, December 8, 2011

Last Night...

When you have a child and that child is stillborn as a mother even if all the doctors and everyone around you tells you that what happened wasn't your fault, that this tragedy that you have to face, go through and come out of wasn't created by you, that you have no blame, you can't help yourself, you feel guilty.  I have felt overwhelming guilt from hour zero.  Hour zero is the time in my life that everything I ever wanted was abruptly ripped away from me.  My world tilted on an axis and hasn't righted itself since. 
My husband doesn't like top 40 music, in fact he hates it and says that its not real music, but last night he said something to me that upset me so much that I just started crying in the car.  Basically he told me because I listened to this particular type of music that the beat could of been a contibuting factor in our daughter's demise.  I took this as because I made the choice of listening to music with a funky beat that I somehow am responsible for my daughters death. 

John is NOT an unfeeling person, he isn't an ass and normally is just joking around when he says stuff to me, but this last night was just the last straw for me.  I really do feel as though he truly believes that it was my fault that Noel passed away.  That this off color remark really is how he feels.  I need to talk to him about it but I do not know how to say what I need to.  I need to remind him that we were told so many times that this isn't our fault, my fault, that I couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened.  Last night I was to upset to say anything, I still feel almost to upset to say anything.  In my heart I do believe he thinks that something I did during my pregnancy that ended our childs life prematurely. 
I needed a forum to vent my frustrations out on today.  I don't know what to say or how to even bring this up to him, but he cannot say anything like this ever again. 

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