Saturday, May 19, 2012

Wondering what will happen...

As you all (my avid readers, few that you are) know my health insurance for the new job kicks in on June 1st.  Which means that we get to start trying for another shot at parenthood in about 4 short weeks.  I truly hope that it doesn't take to long for us to conceive another baby...
I am now unsure how I feel about getting pregnant and trying to have another baby.  I am truly nervous about another pregnancy, I was a HORRIBLE pregnant woman the first time around.  I was pukey and in pain for most of my pregnancy with Noel.  I know that I'm being ridiculous, that I'm making excuses, but I almost feel like I'll FORGET Noel if I have another baby.
There is a huge part of me that is nervous about the pregnancy.  I'm scared that I'll carry another baby for 40 weeks and that baby will die.  What happened to Noel.  I miss my baby girl every second of every day.  I know that the odds of what happened are in my favor that it won't happen again, but I can't help but feel extremely nervous about the whole thing.
I'm going to close up for the time being, I may come back and write more on this post AFTER I accomplish some of my house work list.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Starting Over...

I know its late and I know I need to get into bed and go to sleep because I have to be up early for work tomorrow.  However, I wanted to share a few thoughts for the evening.  There are a couple of things that I have been thinking about since this morning.  When you start a new job, you start over.  Now I have to admit, I have relationships on some level with a lot of my new co-workers because I have worked with them in a different capacity at my previous two positions.  The funny thing is, I realized they really don't "KNOW ME" so what does that mean?  To me its their perceptions of me, I wonder what that is.  I hope to find out soon.  :)

I think I'm nervous because I have to start over with people.  I have to put myself out there and hope that everybody will accept me for who I am and what I can do.  I don't doubt my talent, I am very good at what I do, I'm just nervous about getting to know new people.  What is funny is that I find that I am MORE SHY now then I have ever been in my whole life.  I find that I'm not as open with people as I once was, I am more private I guess with people I don't necessarily know, even if I have worked with them for years.  They know I'm honest, they know I work hard.  Its just weird going into the hospital and being on "the inside."  I come from agency, I have been a nurse recruiter, HR/Payroll Coordinator and a staffer with agency for the last 5 years.  I can't wait to see how it all works at the hospital level.  I'm really excited to learn all that I can at the hospital.  I'm just nervous about if people are going to LIKE ME.  I know that sounds juvenile but I can't help it because I WANT them to like me, to get to know me, and be friends.  I know that work isn't "play time" but I love to get to know new people I'm just a little shy at first because I don't want to do or say something incorrect.

I hope that soon we can start paying off some of these bills, I need to get a car, driving my parent's Yukon is wonderful and its such a nice ride but its so big and I feel guilty driving it because its a gas guzzler.  I hope that things start falling into place better, that we can start fresh and pay off everything and get something soon to get me back and forth to work without the huge carbon foot print that I have now.  I can't afford to drive the thing! Anyway, I guess I'm getting to the point of rambling, I'm sleepy now and should probably lie down and see if I can get to sleep.

Friday, May 4, 2012

What makes a mother...

Makes a Mother

thought of you and closed my eyes, 

And prayed to God today. 

I asked what makes a Mother,

And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,

This we know is true.

But, God, can you be a mother,

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,

With confidence in his voice.

I give many women babies,

When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But theres no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you,

What your child is doing today,

If you could see your child smile,

With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are Ok.

Your babies are here in My home,

They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,

until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day,

And you'll know that you're the best one! author Unknown

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Getting the house in order...

I am a horrible procrastinator.  My house currently is embarrassing.  Honestly, I have seen other peoples homes that are in worse condition then my own.  However, I have a reputation of having a VERY clean home. I have slacked horribly on the house work for months, basically I've done the basics, no real deep cleaning, just the surfaces.  SO today and tomorrow are officially being named Waltz Spring Clean Days.  I have left all of this mess to the last possible moments of my forced "vacation."

Now for the reason behind all this mess.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have depression.  It started of course Post Natal.  I am NOT in the minority, a lot of mothers suffer from depression after giving birth.  Mine was just compounded with the fact that my baby died.  I have accepted those things that I cannot change, my daughter cannot come back.  I have accepted that I have no choice but to wait to get pregnant again.  I have accepted that my life will never be the same again.  While I accept that I cannot change my life and the roads I have had to traveled I can TRY my hardest to make the traveling of said roads the best I can.  Which means I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward and stop being stuck.  I have been stuck for nearly 9 months.  I realize that the only person that can save me is me.  Its not my wonderful husband, its not my parent's or my brother and Meghan, its not my friends, its me.  The ONLY person that can change my life is ME.  I have seen what depression can do to a person, and I refuse to be that person, I refuse to be a negative person, I cannot stand dreading what the next day is going to bring.  I don't want to worry anymore, I want to live.  I want to be free, free of this constant worry, free to expand my life.  To have an imagination.

So now that I have taken this time to write out everything I need to get off the computer and put myself to work.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Staying Positive..

I'm trying my hardest to stay positive.  Losing my car has really upset me.  Its just one more thing to add to the stack of stuff that has been thrown at us.  It kills me to have to borrow my parent's vehicle for any amount of time.  And frankly I don't even know right now HOW I'm going to get a new car to replace mine.  I hate that I don't have a "plan."  Its impossible to at this point.  I mean really I think its awesome that I get to drive a luxury vehicle.  However, paying for the gas for said vehicle is going to put a strain on our limited resources.  We are listing John's motorcycle on Craigslist again and hopefully we get someone that will buy it.  It will give us a little cash for a clunky car.  UGH!
Its just weird and a little unusual how much John & I have had to deal with.  I mean we have really had the monkey shit thrown at us.  Please excuse my language, but that is how it feels.  Think about it, for those of you who know us and are friends, you know that the year we got married I was laid off 6 months before our wedding, was in said lay off for 3 months, went back to work and got "laid off" 4 days before we signed the paperwork for our new house.  I was off for about 6 months before finding my job at MSN.  That September RIGHT after our 1st wedding anniversary I am rushing John to he hospital, he even got to ride in a helicopter because they THOUGHT my 33 year old husband was having a heart attack, THANKFULLY it was Pericarditis, it was still painful for him and he spent the better part of a week in the hospital but that was the second most terrifying moment I have ever had, up to that point it was #1 however, that was to come the following September.  THEN a couple months went by and I got a horrible ovarian cyst, I was in the hospital 2 times for that one.  THAN things started to look up and we found out after all that pain I had that we were pregnant a month later.  Only to find out once again right after our 2nd wedding anniversary that our baby had died.  THAT was and will forever be my most terrified most heartbreaking moment in my life, and I don't think I will ever recover.  After healing I went back to work only to find out 3 months later that I'm losing my job.  I JUST find out that I have a new job that I have wanted for years and then my car dies.  SO we are at today, I am sitting here trying to figure out what we have to do so I can have a car to get to said new job and I'm not coming up with anything.  I wish I could request a miracle, however, I want to save that for when I do actually get pregnant the next time and request the miracle of a breathing, healthy baby.  I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.  I hate having so much in the air, but when you really look at everything, its not possible.  I do not know how much my checks at the new job are going to be, I can do a guesstament but until I know for sure I can't do anything.  WE have to dig out from under all the medical bills, and our 3 credit cards to actually get anywhere.  I wish there was a way to get a clean slate without bankruptcy.  What's funny to ME is all these people that have money coming out of their ears and I work and struggle EVERY DAY just to TRY and make ends meet.  I work harder then the topmost CEO does and make nothing.  Short of winning the lottery I can't think of anything...

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Another Unbelievable hurdle to over come...

I honestly believe that John & I have a really black cloud above us.  Once a problem (MY JOB) get's "fixed" there is another issue that comes right on the heals.  I know most of those reading are on my FB as well, but the newest "challenge" the timing chain went in my car.  Now I realize my car is a 2003 and I know that it has ALMOST 200,000 miles on it, but never would I think that the entire engine would go.  That's right folks, when THAT little problem happens to your car (especially if you drive a grand am from 2003) you have no choice but to replace the entire engine.  So NOW tomorrow I'll be making phone calls all over Michigan looking for a re-manufactured engine for my car.  The alternative, buy a new car, but guess what, seeing as how we have a ton of medical bills that went to collections our credit scores have taken a serious hit, there isn't a single dealership out there that would give us a car loan.  Like I said its just one thing after another.  There are days when I wonder how much more can we take, how much more before everything tears apart what John and I have together.  It just feels like life has it in for us.  Like what more can we possibly do to this two people that we haven't already done just to see how strong they are, will they make it?  Thankfully I start my new job soon so we won't be attempting to pay everything on unemployment, which is a joke by the way, I don't know WHAT a family bigger then two people would do.  Anyway, I just keep praying that all the bad stuff will stop that something GOOD will come out of it all.  I'm trying to remain optimistic, trying but tonight I'm doing poorly.

Anyway, beyond that, I attended my first baby shower since Noel was born sleeping.  I surprised myself, I did not cry once.  Its the little things, the everyday things that you need to get through and make it to the other side and know that you made it.  Was it hard watching my BFF open gifts for her baby, YES it was, but it was a dull pain, one that wasn't sharp and didn't hurt just the ache wishing Noel was there with me, I could have showed her off a little, but again, I am wishing and I know that it won't happen, I just WISH it was how things were.  I guess we missed out window this month to try again, so hopefully next month we can work a little harder on getting pregnant ourselves.

I truly hope that by this time next month that I am pregnant that I can rejoice in carrying another child.  I know I'll be healthier, I've lost 5.2 lbs so far on weight watchers, so I am doing good.  I did take the weekend off from exercising, but I will be back at it tomorrow, I have one week left of my "forced vacation" to get the house cleaned and the laundry done before I go back to work full time and have an excuse as to WHY my house looks like frat boys live in it.

Only time will tell on when John & I get pregnant, I hope its as easy the getting that way a second time around.  We will see...Have a good night everybody.

Friday, April 27, 2012

New Job...New Life...

I signed all my paperwork today for my new job that I start on May 7th.  I'm so excited to be able to go back to work in a position that I will absolutely excel in.  I will finally be bringing home more money and will be able to make bigger dents into my hospital and doctor bills.  We have been struggling for so long.  I know that we won't be able to pay everything right away but at least we can start fulfilling our obligations.  The nurses, doctors and other staff at Genesys Hospital took such good care of us while we were there I feel horrible that we haven't been able to give them the rest of their money.  But that light at the end of the tunnel is starting to get closer.  FINALLY!

Thursday, April 26, 2012


This is just to add insult to injury...My birthday, I understand that I may sound a little like a whiny 2 year old here but I have to get this one out...Please understand that my birthday has always been the highlight of my year, my birthday is paramount to Christmas in my book...

I have had a total of 36 birthdays on this planet.  My next birthday while I am going to be a year older I've been looking forward to.  WHY?! You can ask...My birthday for my entire life has been like a holiday for me.  My parent's while I was growing up always made a big deal about birthdays.  NOW being a Mom myself in the capacity that I find myself I completely understand, I know my Mom had difficulty getting pregnant so the days their babies were born I get it, I understand the Joy and Happiness they must have felt.  So I get why they made such a big deal about birthday's.  This year however, and mind you I was completely oblivious to this until last night, my birthday falls on Mother's Day.

Mother's Day this year was going to be hard enough, IT SHOULD be my first Mother's Day, the first time I WOULD have had my own child to celebrate with.  I want to know why, why does Mother's Day have to fall on my special day?  I only have this happen Once every 7 years or so, but WHY does it have to be this year?

So here is ANOTHER day that I am SUPPOSE to be happy, I'm suppose to have a good day on my birthday, but this year I'm going to be absolutely miserable.  Another holiday that I'm going to just be angry.  It is NOT fair that I have to go through this.  Not fair that I have to deal with all this misery all the time.  I USED TO LIKE myself, but now there are few days that I can even stand myself.  I do try everyday to be positive, and I really make an excellent effort.  But I do have those days that it doesn't matter what I do, or how positive I try to be my control will slip.  Last night, I lost it, but not in the normal way, I turned all the bad negative emotions in.  I have been doing this more and more often, and I do it to save John.  I can't lose my mind in front of him or anyone.  But then I start to feel resentful, like my feelings however stupid they may seem to others just don't matter.  I try...I really do...But I can't let go of this one...He says that maybe its just another test for me...That there is a reason why Mother's Day is falling on my birthday this year, but I just see it as a cruel joke, I thought cruel and unusual punishment was banned in the US.

Again, I'm really sorry if you think I'm being a baby, that I should be able to get through one birthday and one mother's day without a fit of tears or resentment.  I've been strong for too long.  This may just be another thing that breaks my resolve.  I'm going to TRY and make it, I really am.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Wings and Halo's...

This was posted by "Angel Baby" on Facebook.  Yes it made me cry a little but its so beautiful that I had to include it here.  I do not know who wrote this song, but I would LOVE to see it actually performed, because it really explains how a mother or father feels when you go to the cemetery to "visit" your baby.  Noel's grave IS under a tree, and I know she sends me dragon flies and butter flies all the time when I'm outside, just to say she is there with me.  Please read...I would LOVE to hear Dolly Parton's voice singing this, I don't know why I pick her, maybe because I've seen so much of her lately and she is SO REAL and SO HONEST about her life and where she came from.

Wings & Halos (Author Unknown)

I was so excited when I woke up today
I heard my Mommy was coming to play
I washed my wings and my halo too
Cuz that's what Mommy likes me to do

I went to the place where I knew she'd be
It's where she comes to visit me
She comes for comfort in her despair
Oh Mommy, can't you feel me touching your hair?

I'm by your side all through the night
I never let you out of my sight
I was your baby for not even a day
But soon we can be together and play

You know we'll never be apart
You'll never let me leave your heart
Mommy I'm not really in the ground,
lift up your head and look around

The clouds, the birds, the raindrops too
these gifts of life were given to you
Don't cry for me Mommy, I know you're here
Please let me wipe away that tear.

I was sent to you from up above
And you showed me the ultimate love
Instead of giving me all of your years
You freely gave me all of your tears

Remember your relatives, the ones who have died?
They brought me here, I'm by their side
They watch over me and help me to see
just how much you really love me

So don't be unhappy when you come visit me
I'm the angel above you, up in the tree
And when you leave, you'll never be through
You'll always be my Mommy
And I'll always love you!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Bills and Baby Magazines

Good Morning!
I'm so glad you are taking a moment to read today.

As I discussed yesterday I have made a life change in joining weight watchers.  So far I am doing really well, and hoping that the 40lbs that I have to lose will come off quickly.

Today my subjects are bills and baby magazines, I happen to be trying to go through the household budget and pay some bills.  You all know that I'm currently not working and we are struggling to make ends meet.   On Saturday my statement came from the hospital once again letting me know that I still owe them over $1800 for the birth of Noel.  We have been paying as much as we can every month to them, but I DREAD when this statement comes, because it takes me back to that awful hospital stay.  I wish we had the money to just completely pay it off so I don't have to get these bills every month, because honestly it always makes me cry.  I can't help it.  I know today I will receive the statements from the doctors, the anesthesiologist, and every body else who touched me.  These are the bills I wish I could just pay off and never have to see again.  Hopefully I get a call today that tells me I have a job, more then anything I need to get back to work so we can finally see the light at the end of this tunnel.  4/24/12-Adding this in because I FINALLY got the call late yesterday that I got the job at McLaren Hospital!  My first day is May 7th WOO HOOO!!!

Now BABY MAGAZINES...I have 2 magazines that I receive every month.  I have called, emailed and sent back these magazines back to the publisher, BEGGING them to STOP sending these to me.  They just make me remember that my baby isn't here in my arms anymore.  I don't know what to do about them anymore.  One of the girls in my HUGS group has returned the magazines with black marker saying return to sender my baby died and she is STILL receiving them.  While this may seem like a harsh statement she is sending, at this moment in time I completely understand.  I have never felt so inadequate in my life.  I can't stop them from coming and I'm sick of getting them.

On a completely different note, here is where my ADD kicks in, the kittens...My little boys are getting SO BIG,  they are now 5 months old.  Obviously they still are small and act like juvenile delinquents MOST of the time, okay MAGELLAN is the delinquent, but he is currently snuggling up on my lap and purring his little heart out.  I know later I'll be attempting to correct his little behaviors.  Mini Me is Magellan's complete opposite, he is a good boy ALL the time.  I am sure once Magellan get's his fill of loving on Mommy, Mini Me will climb up here and love on me.  I truly believe that God sent these two little miracles to me.  They ARE NOW my babies, my twin little boys that melt my heart with their love and affection, I have NEVER had kittens that act like these two.  I think he saw that I needed to be able to "mother" something and put these babies in my path to let them take care of ME.  They know when I am upset or when I cry, especially Magellan, he will come and just snuggle and I hear his little voice saying "Mommy its okay I'm here with you."  Anyway, for more on the boys see my facebook page, I have some new pictures of Mr. Magellan in the mixing bowl, literally.  :)  I wish you all peace and love, I hope that you will reach out to me if you need a friend in your time of need.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Catching up...

It has been a few days since my last post.  I haven't had much to share lately, I guess its because I've found a kind of peace.  I've gone through so much over the last 7 months, so many ups and downs, that to feel this type of peace is unusual for me or should I say isn't my new "normal."  I guess what prompted me to write is that I have made a big decision in my life in the last couple of days and I decided to share it with all of you.

Now I PROMISE that I'm not going to get "preachy" here, because to be honest people that talk on and on about this subject SERIOUSLY drive me insane.

So here goes...I decided to join weight watchers and TRY and work on getting healthy.  When I went into my last pregnancy I was WELL over 300lbs.  During my pregnancy because I was dx with gestational diabetes I lost an absolute TON of weight, because for my childs health and my own I had no choice but do the right thing...Right now I weigh ALMOST what I did when I delivered my beautiful angel Noel.  I DO NOT want to have to deal with sugar or blood pressure issues during my next pregnancy.  I know that one way I can do this is to take off the extra weight.  I cannot even TRY to get pregnant until I have lost 40lbs.  I am hoping over the next few months to do just that, I have to wait for insurance to kick in anyway and I need to make sure that I will fall under any company that hires me FMLA guidelines.  So I have some time anyway so why not USE that time to my advantage.  Yes it irritates me beyond reason that I cannot get pregnant RIGHT THIS MINUTE because the good Lord knows that is what I want more then anything in this world.  But I have this practical voice in my head that sounds an awful lot like my husband that keeps saying we need to go into the next pregnancy with all the ducks we can possibly line up in a row.  So I made the decision (GRUDGINGLY) to attempt weight watchers.  I have a "buddy" to help and encourage me, as she has done for my ENTIRE life and I mean people from the moment I was born, as you may have guessed its my Mom.  She has always been that voice in the other part of my brain that sounds off WHENEVER I even THINK about doing something I KNOW is wrong telling me I shouldn't be doing this.  I can't tell you how many times I've done it anyways and now that I'm older and wiser know I should have listened.  So this time, she point blank told me, and I decided to listen for a change, so let's just see what happens.  I've stuck to the plan, I've exercised for 2 days in a row (which in and of it self is a small miracle) and I'm actually TRYING to do this.  Hopefully it works and I do really well.  I'm being tentative now and most likely will be a month from now, but I have a feeling that once I get to the first "big goal" of losing 40lbs. I'll want to keep it up.  My ultimate goal is to lose 74lbs, that would put me in a range of not being "obese."  I honestly can't remember when I wasn't considered "obese" by the medical world, sure I have pictures of that time in my life but to remember it now is impossible.

I can tell you this, doing something good for myself is starting to lift me out of the grief I have been feeling.  Its making me look FORWARD instead of remembering when.  I have been stuck in a limbo for a long time, somewhere between the past and the present but never really in the present at all.  I haven't been able to look at life beyond yesterday, because everyday takes me one more away from when I had Noel.  I can honestly tell you TODAY was the first day that I thought about her that I didn't shed a tear or two.  Even now I am not crying and I normally do when I write here.  I don't want her looking down from Heaven and always seeing her Mommy crying.  I want her to know that we are okay, that one day in the future we will see her again.  For now, we will try everyday to be strong, to get stronger and work on being the people she would be proud to call her parent's.

I wish you all gentle peace for yourselves, to remember the angel babies everyday, and to be strong for you. God will watch out for us.  Remember that he IS always there, YOU just need to reach out, ask him to help and you will feel it in your hearts as well.  :)

Friday, April 13, 2012

Heaven is for Real...

If you are reading my blog, then you are well aware of the issues I have been having with God and religion.  I just read the book Heaven is for Real.  This book was given to me by Pastor Claus (yes this is his real name) on the day of Noel's funeral.  I have waited this long to read it because I have been questioning my faith so much. I'm not going to go into detail and retell the story here because I want each and every person that reads my blog to pick this book up and read it.  It took me only about 3 hours to read the book myself while I was baking cookies tonight.
I will however address one part of the book that smacked me in the face and told me to wake up.  The family had suffered a miscarriage, the little boy in this book approaches his mother and confronts her by telling her he has two sisters, and that one died in her tummy.  The baby that died didn't have a name and had been adopted by God the Father until her parent's got to Heaven to name her.  The fact that this baby girl who died was only 2 months along when she passed gives me a glimmer of true hope.  I KNOW that my baby Noel is with God and I KNOW that Jesus is teaching her as he teaches ALL CHILDREN.  Jesus LOVES CHILDREN.  I also know that she has a TON of relatives up there with her keeping her safe until John and I can get there.
I am truly sorry for the blasphemy I have put in this blog, for the accusations and the wrongs I have put onto God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.  While I will NEVER understand why Noel was taken, I need to accept that this is part of God's plan for me.  For us.  I just pray that he will in time forgive me.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Survived another holiday and a SERIOUS religious talk...

My family got together today to celebrate Easter.  I'm sure you all know that once again this would have been Noel's first Easter.  You can't help but see the baby/kids section when you walk through Wal-Mart or Meijer and of course there were about 5 different dresses I would have loved to have dressed Noel in today.  But I don't get to do that now do I?  Why?  Because my daughter is no longer with me.  I do hope there is a heaven but to believe in heaven would mean that I would have to believe in god.  But believing in god is very hard for me.  I did not go to church today, with my beliefs up in the air I didn't want to go there and make a mockery of a holiday that people there obviously believe in.  I cannot come to terms that the god I was brought up to believe in, that I TAUGHT young children about myself as a Sunday school teacher, I cannot believe in a god that steals perfectly healthy babies from their mothers.  I have a hard time with the facts here.  I prayed so many times to that god to keep my baby safe, to have her be healthy and whole.  I guess I forgot to mention that I would like to have her alive when she was born.  I worshiped this god my entire life and when I needed that god the most, he let me down.  COMPLETELY let me down.  The god I thought I knew was not a vindictive god but a loving god who took care of his children, ALL of his children.  I guess god took a day off the day I needed him, or he forgot that I was here or something.  Is it fair of me to blame god for what happened to my daughter?  I don't have an answer but I can tell you my actions are exactly that, I do blame god for taking my baby away from me and her daddy.  I feel like all my faithfulness was completely denied in the hour that I needed that god the most.  Now I have posted a couple of other times about god and religion, I'm obviously confused and there are days that I feel like I'm on the proverbial "fence" on religion altogether.  I ask myself what would make the god I knew and loved turn his back on me so fully?  I will never say I was a good christian, that I went to church every Sunday, I am not perfect I am human, but I did believe in god the father, god the son and god the holy ghost.  I did accept jesus christ as my savior and asked him into my heart, that is what the bible tells us to do.  When we do those things we are assured a place in heaven as long as we ask for forgiveness of our sins.  I may not have prayed everyday, but when I did pray I always asked for forgiveness.  In the teachings I have been through it doesn't matter to god when you talk to him, when you pray to him, what matters is that you do.  I have lived my life as goodly as I could, I have always tried to be a good person and when I couldn't do that I asked for forgiveness for my transgressions and help that I may handle that situation differently if I ever found myself in it again.  I asked god to take my life over to tell me where to go and what to do.  God has never talked to me, if he has I didn't recognize it as god speaking directly to me or even through another person.  God has never to my knowledge gotten me out of a sticky situation.  I don't see his "hand" guiding me in my day to day life.  Despite the facts that he has never spoken to me and never done anything for me I still believed in him because that is what a good christian does, we believe blindly in a book that is well over 2,000 years old and take what that book says at face value and live our lives accordingly.  Now I know this might sound a bit off, but what if the Harry Potter series was touted as the "word of god".  Would we be scared shitless wondering if Lord Voldemort was going to come back after Harry killed him if we were told that Harry Potter was the messiah? Now I know the analogy may seem silly to you but TRY and imagine the world 2,000 years into the future.  If someone said 100 years from now that Harry was actually the messiah and this was his story would people 2,000 years in the future believe that rumor, and be worshiping Harry?   That is the problem with texts that are that old.  The story of jesus could be just that a STORY a book much like Harry Potter.  The other thing that gets me is that there are people out there that are deemed "prophets" by some, MOST of main stream christian people and everybody else think these people are crazy.  There is a LIST a mile long of people that have said "God told me this" or "God told me that."  They used to lock these people up in insane asylums, most whack jobs end up in prison or dead now adays, but COULD god actually be speaking to these people, you have David Coresh you know that creepazoid from Waco, Tx, he said GOD told him to do all the atrocities he did, this man had sex with young girls, old women you name it, was he doing what GOD told him to do?  Everybody I know would say that there is NO WAY their GOD would tell him to do those things, but what if his GOD did?  I mean think about it, all throughout history the human species had MULTIPLE gods or deities, the first RECORDED monotheistic religion was in Egypt and that pharaoh was nearly obliterated from knowledge by his people for forcing them to only worship one god.  We see over and over in history having a pagan religion was how it was up until the Jewish folks and their one god took hold, they were followed by the christians (did I mention the jews were partly responsible for the death of jesus?  they were his own people and a lot of them didn't agree with his "new" religious beliefs) and then the muslims.  We all believe in the same God the Father, Allah, whatever you want to call him.  We all split beliefs up when it comes to Jesus, the Jews flat out refuse to acknowledge Jesus as the messiah, the muslims concede that he may have been a prophet but wasn't the "Son of God".  What do the Jewish people know that we don't about Jesus, WHY wouldn't they believe?  WHAT made them not follow their brethren that DID start believing in Jesus?  I guess maybe I need to speak to someone Jewish and find out, because I'm very confused about this.  The other thing I want to bring up about the bible is that the bible you and I have read is so amended now,  so chopped up there are YEARS of the young Jesus's life that we know absolutely nothing about because those books that were written never made it into the bible if they even exist.  The translations from the original language to my language and numerous others a WRONG, words are interpreted differently from one language to another, the people that have studied any other language besides English/american (because let's face it English in ENGLAND and English in AMERICA sound like two completely different languages) KNOW that there are concepts and ideas that absolutely do not translate, they require the person learning to understand not only the word in the language but translate the whole idea into their own language and that can take up to 10x's the words in their own language to "get" the true meaning of the word in the language that is foreign to them. From what I understand the Latin bible was translated from Greek, and there are numerous books that were translated from another language.  Are we really getting the whole "story" in these botched translations, are we blindly trusting that we are "living by the bible" when ideas and concepts that were originally intended are in fact MISTRANSLATIONS?  Think about it.  I know one word that was in fact mistranslated and that was carpenter, we have the knowledge of what in OUR WORLD a carpenter does, he works with wood, metal or other materials to build things, structures or useful objects, the actual translation is a concept that Jesus was really someone that worked with his hands, the jobs he did were odd jobs, clearing fields, mending fences, working with his hands, not what we all think of as a carpenter, I don't know a carpenter that would clear fields in our world today do you?  That is only one example but you see how just one word can change the translation?  You can argue with me all you want that its FAITH and BELIEF that keep you worshiping god, that the jest is conveyed to the masses from the bible on how we are suppose to act what we are suppose to do, and I can't deny that.  But if you were brought up Buddist or Hindu or Jewish or PAGAN would you even understand all those crazy christians?  The worlds greatest known civilizations from the past were Pagan the Greeks, Romans, Celts, Indians (dots not feathers), Mayans, Chinese, Egyptians...ALL were originally Pagan for thousands of years.  Before that if you want to go back to neolithic times (hunter/gatherers) there is PROOF that they worshiped a WOMAN (HOLY COW REALLY, and speaking of COWS the Hindus love them, and NOT to eat), the woman or the "Earth Mother" but they also paid homage to the "spirits" of animals, they used animals as "totem spirits" the totem spirit was given to a child near birth and that animal spirit was their "protector."  Do you see where I'm going with this?  Yes these "other" religious practices (especially the pagan beliefs) have been abandoned in recent times, but these were practice for millennia before we were even here.  Before OUR "new" beliefs were accepted THIS is what life was.  Were they WRONG? Thousands upon THOUSANDS of years these other religions were practiced.
What makes what I was taught from the time I was a small child the "right" religion.  I KNOW that to question things makes you unpopular but I'm a mother and I don't have a baby to prove it, does that mean I'm not a mother?  I have a grave site that holds the earthly remains of my precious daughter, that is what I have to show.  I can tell people that she existed for a brief 39 weeks, that she was alive.  But I don't have a shred of proof to show someone besides a piece of paper and a grave.  Who is to say that the PROOF that Jesus is the son of God and that the bible is "God's Word" are really proof at all, isn't it completely possible that much like the Harry Potter books that the bible was meant to be a "STORY", not to be taken so seriously.  I mean we don't have a "body" for Jesus we are told that is because he rose from the dead, we don't have any real proof that Jesus really existed.  As a believer this is where your faith is suppose to kick in and my doesn't anymore, I cannot say that the God and Jesus I thought I knew that I worshiped that I taught about was really REAL or was it a figment of someone's imagination, to help us "humans" deal with life and death.  It's a great story, but some days that is what I believe it is a STORY, then I will have days (these are few and far between) that I wonder if I shouldn't have faith and just trust blindly like I'm told to in the bible and all that is in it.  Because more then anything I want to know that my daughter is in a beautiful place like heaven as its described in the bible...But is heaven like what the Jews, Muslims or do the Christians have it right?  I want my daughter to be an angel, I like the thought of her as MY guardian angel, my own flesh and blood watching over me, but then I stop and know she isn't flesh and blood anymore, by now she is a skeleton or close to it.
So we all have a personality, we have a "soul" a spirit of who we are that resides inside of us and makes us who were are the individual, but how individual are we really now a days?  I'm not much different from my peers, we think alike, do the same things like the same stuff.  How is my "soul" different from anybody else really?  Some days I feel like we are all "lemmings" who follow the leader blindly into the sea.  But then if people assert their individuality they are called weird, hippie, gay, biker whatever, they still have a label and they still have a "group" of people they belong to of like minded individuals that think on a collective level.  For instance I have a sister in law that on occasion has blue hair, she doesn't think like I do and we really don't get along well, I think she is weird, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual, she looks at me and probably thinks that I'm so ORDINARY, I'm not eccentric and I follow most of the rules of the society I live in.  I know she LIKES to be different, she LIKES to express her individuality, but frankly I've seen numerous people that have blue hair and are weird and I term them "hippies".  Enough about my sister in law I think you get my point.  Whether you think your an individual and want to express yourself there is a sect of people out there that think just like you, dress like you and do the same things you do, so how individual are you really?
I know this is an extra long post, I had a headache and took some Excedrin so I'm a little wired but full of wonder at different ideas, that if I let myself explore them in writing MAYBE I'll find someone like me. I would like to think that I'm totally different then anybody on the planet but I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only person that is having these ideas, that would be naive and silly to think that way.  I wonder what would happen if I started practicing I don't know Olympian Paganism, you know Zeus, Hera, Posiden, Hades, Athena, Artemis etc...What would happen?  Or maybe Wicca, I could be a witch.  I'm already a bitch so why not try?  But in my case, Christianity is so beat into me that I will find another religion extremely foreign and part of me wouldn't actually BELIEVE in it either.  So being that right now I'm feeling atheist does that mean my daughter is just GONE, that her spirit just extinguished in a blink of an eye?  I find that thought reprehensible, she can't just be completely GONE can she?  Then I think about it and I say with absolute certainty that she is in Heaven with her grandma Maria, her great grandma Angie and great grandpa George and Great Great Grandma Jenkins, and Great Great Grandma Kniffen and every other soul that I knew here and loved here on earth.  That she was my gift to some of the greatest men and women I knew in my life that a piece of me that they wanted so badly is in heaven with them for them to love and raise and watch over.  My GIFT to my Grandparents, my great grandparents and my mother in law who ALWAYS wanted a girl of her own and never lived long enough to see her granddaughters (she ended up so far with 2, she had 3 baby boys).  My love for my grandparents, great grandparent's and mother in law is obvious, my heart was ripped out when I lost my great grandma's even though I was younger, more recently I lost my grandparent's but none of those deaths hit me as hard as my own daughter, THAT one has destroyed the person I thought I was.
As you can see, everything about my life I now question, I question whether I have led the life I wanted to or led the life that was EXPECTED too.  I think THAT is the biggest question of all isn't it?  For ALL of us?  The society I live in expects you to work for the things you have, but is that how I want to live? I again say any other way would be completely deviant from how I was raised.  Think about HOW HARD it would be to completely change how you live, say giving up all the "comforts" of an AMERICAN life, because let's face it there aren't a lot of places in the world that live life like American's, could I give up that life to say live in Africa? Be a hunter/gatherer?  Could I even IMAGINE how hard that life would be to lead? The resounding answer is "HELL NO" I couldn't do it, I couldn't live in a tent and bathe in a river and spend every second of every day hunting and gathering food and water to just survive. I love to camp but could I manage to LIVE in a tent or cave if I was lucky enough to have one of those things either.  I have horrible anxiety when we lose electricity for gods sake.  COULD I live with absolutely nothing like I have now?  Again NO NO NO!  Even changing geography, I went from Michigan to Arizona, my lifestyle there was COMPLETELY different there then it was here.  And that is only 2,000 miles from where I grew up, still in the same country.  Then I think about maybe moving to another country completely, but know that I would be miserable.  My move to Arizona was good for me, it taught me how to be "on my own" and not relying on anybody, but I still was able to talk to family and friends here, I was able to come and visit as often as I could afford.  But what would I do if I lived in a new country?  I have a feeling I would be miserable without the people I love close by.  Because really how horribly expensive is it to fly these days? If I moved to AZ now I would NEVER be able to afford to come home as often as I did back then.  Hell I barely made it when I did come and I nearly ALWAYS had help doing if from my parent's.  See when I have time to think about different things my true ADD comes out.
There are few people and things that I can trust in my life. I trust and love my husband, he is the one thing that makes everything else in life better.  My husband's heart belongs to me, he loves me as much as I love him.  He is my best friend has been for 12 years now, he has been a constant in my life, a rock that I cling too.  I can tell him anything and nearly always he will accept it, if he doesn't he will argue his point and why.  He thinks a lot of my ideas are nuts but that is what makes things fun. He means the world to my small little world and that is what matters most to me. He makes me laugh at myself and keeps me from going off the deep end that more often lately than previously in my life has been so close.  He pulls me off the ceiling and holds me close and I know he will never let me go, he will never lie, never cheat and he will never leave me until he dies.  THAT is LOVE.  My Parent's have stood behind me, carried me, held me and comforted me throughout my life.  I am and always will be a Daddy's Girl and I'm proud of that.  My Dad is the best Dad in the world, I got so lucky to get him when I was created.  He might not have much to say most of the time but when he does talk you better listen.  My Dad has been through HELL, and I truly mean that, he served in Vietnam, he is my hero.  I love my Daddy, I try so hard to please him, to make him see that I'm a "big girl" now and can take care of myself and my small family (my kitties are my children now), that I am the woman he always'd hoped I would be.  I know that there have been times that I didn't live up to expectations, that I made NUMEROUS mistakes, but you know what there was always a lesson that I learned from those mistakes, or at least I've TRIED to learn the appropriate lessons.  My Mom is also the best Mom in the world and one day I hope that my daughter can look up to me and tell me the same things that I'm about to tell my Mom.  Even though I was a teenage girl, that I'm sure once in my life I have said that I wanted a new Mom, I know I couldn't have picked a better Mom for myself.  My Mom after all my childish tantrums, my teenage angst, my twenty-something hardheadedness and my thirty-something whoa's my Mommy has been rock solid, never wavering in her love and support of me.  Never giving up on me when other's might have done so, and always being a sounding board, a confidant a friend now that I'm older but she was always a Mom, the BEST Mom.  I wanted more than anything to follow in my Mom's footprints, I wanted to be just like her, but I know that will never happen.  I am not like her, I look like her, I find myself saying things she does, but my personality is completely different as is I'm sure with every other woman on the planet, we always say we are SO NOT OUR MOTHER, in my case, I wish I was more like my Mom.  I wish I had her patience, I wish I had her grace under pressure, I wish I had her nerve.  I don't, but one day MAYBE I'll pick up those traits in her.  She means so much to me, and the lists of why that is grows longer everyday.  I guess its something to aspire to.  Lastly but certainly not least is my brother.  Thom is a wonderful man, he keeps me grounded I think more then anybody.  He reminds me of who I am and who I hope to become.  Because let's face it as humans we grow until we die, our personality or "spirit" whatever you want to call it.  I love my baby brother, he is gentle and loving and strong.  He is another of my anchors that keeps me here helps me to learn and grow every day.
I'm finally yawning and think I'm ready to go and lay down, if you have made it here to the bottom and you don't hate me or think I'm nuts thanks.  Sweet dreams...

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Going to Visit Baby Noel...

I am going to see Noel in just a little while to take her some flowers a bunny and a pinwheel to celebrate Easter.  However, I still have misgivings about celebrating Easter at all this year.  I am not sure what my beliefs are anymore and I don't know if I want to take these to her in celebration of Easter.  I think I will say for now its to celebrate spring.  Each day has passed so much slower then the one before it lately for me.  A lot of this is because I'm not working right now, and its been hard for me to focus on other things besides losing Noel.  I have been more sad if that is even possible because I know how much I would of enjoyed this break from work if I had my sweet baby girl with me.  I just think about the things I could of done with her.  I think about taking her to see the Easter bunny, going for walks in the neighborhood, showing her the pretty flowers in the garden, I know they would make her smile.  I also know that some of this 'dreaming' maybe getting out of hand.  I am dwelling on things more every day, I am even thinking its a little unhealthy.  I miss Noel every second of every day, and I can't move past that.  I want her here.  I want to see her, to hear her to smell her. I just wish with my whole heart that she was here.  Here with me and her daddy and living and thriving.  I wanted her to experience all that life has to offer and see what she makes of it. My kitten Magellan just came up and gave me some kisses, he knows when I start to slide down the slope to tears he is very good at stopping them from coming.  I will say goodbye for now and write more later

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Angel Babies...

I've been thinking about my Noel much more intensely for the last couple of weeks, I've had difficulty sleeping as you all know because I'm posting so late at night.  THAT is when I start thinking about her the most.  I don't know if its the quiet house or just that night time makes me more introverted and reflective on all things.  Noel is my most precious creation to date.  I miss her so much every day and I wonder how different our (my husband and I) lives would be today if Noel hadn't died.  Its strange to think about these things when you have nothing to compare them to.  I don't know what its like to have a new born baby at home, I mean yes I've taken care of babies when they are little but nothing like the 24/7 care you would give a baby.
I don't know, I keep going over in my mind the information from my time in the hospital that my mom gave me that first night of HUGS.  I have put it all together, what my fragments were, the pictures, and the information from my mom. It doesn't comfort me, quite the opposite really.  Because I know I was broken by life in those few days.  My body was broken open and my soul was decimated.  My baby girl was stolen from me.  Taken before she even had a chance to draw one single breath.  It makes me so mad and angry every second of every day since that I literally feel that some days that I think I'm crazy.  I feel almost like I've been in a horrible nightmare, that I will wake up and I'll still be pregnant and its still September 20th and I'm being a stupid idiot pregnant woman and I'm going to wake up and go straight to the hospital and make sure my girl is okay.  THEN reality hits me, that if I'm in a nightmare this is the longest most awful sleep I've ever had.  I still wake up everyday and go to rub my belly and say good morning to my baby and then it happens again, I realize she is gone seconds after I wake up, I feel like I'm stuck in Groundhogs Day you know that stupid Bill Murray movie.  It happens EVERY DAY, and it makes me want to cry and I fight it and a few minutes pass and I am able to bring the emotions under control, but its every day, every single day.  6 months have passed and I STILL wake up everyday thinking that its the day before I know she died. I'm tired of it but I don't know how to stop it.  I wish I did.  
I'm so very tired tonight, I'm tired of trying to move forward and feel like I'm stuck in quicksand that I can't move. I wish I had some of that medicine to help you sleep at night, I most likely should be on an anti-depressant but John would never agree to allow me to go on one of those.  He doesn't want me to be a zombie or to lose who I am because of the drugs.  I want more then anything to feel normal to be able to feel happiness for more then 5 minutes.  I also know that I won't go on them simply because I am hoping to get pregnant again and there are so many birth defects that are caused from those.  I don't want to worry about my babies health because I can't deal with my feelings.  
I hope that I get the job at the hospital, I need insurance before my husband will allow me to get pregnant again.  He absolutely refuses to allow me to go on Medicade and have a "welfare" baby.  He wants to do things right, part of me agrees with him, but the stronger side of me thinks that he is being ridiculous about the whole thing.  That other people do it, why can't I? I was cleared back in January to get pregnant again by my doctor.  We weren't successful in trying that first month, my ovulation was still a little screwy, so we couldn't predict it as well as I can now.  
I guess I've dumped out all that I can tonight.  I'm very tired now and think that I will go to bed.  Hopefully maybe after writing this I will wake up tomorrow and realize what day it is for real and not put myself through that 5 minutes of craziness.  

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Feeling restless and on edge tonight...

Some nights I get like this.  These are the nights that if I don't drug myself with benedryl or tylenol PM I will wake up screaming or crying.  I do not ever remember the dream I was having but I know it revolves around Noel and losing her.  Normally my dreams are vivid, almost like movies, I used to keep a dream journal, where when I would wake up from a particularly vivid dream I would write it down, because I would find that when I wake up in the morning a dream that was vivid and real in the middle of the night was hard to recall in the light of morning.  I have so many dreams that I've written down but I haven't done this in a long time, usually when I wake up now I know I don't want to remember that dream come the light of day and it will take me so long to fall back to sleep now.
Sometimes my dreams I think are prophetic, I dream about different things and different people all the time.  When I have a dream that I think is telling me something I will write it down, lately the dreams have revolved around my best friends pregnancy, I knew she was having a boy from the day she had her IUI.  I am not saying I'm psychic to be psychic in my mind you have to be able to call on the skill at will.  Mine aren't like that, I can't just tell you something by looking at you.  I have to know you, love you and want to help you...From the time that I was young I dreamed that one day I was going to live in Arizona, I ended up there for a job 9 years ago and stayed 3 years.  I knew that I was going to marry my husband.  I knew that our first child was going to be a little girl.  I always dreamed that in my mid-thirties I was going to die, this did not happen, my daughter was the one that was going to die young.
My most recent dreams are of two little girls with dark brown curly hair and blue eyes wearing pink flowered dresses running through my back yard, they are about 3 or 4 in my dreams. Just little girls, two IDENTICAL little girls. Does this mean I'm going to have twin girls next?  Or is this my next daughter and Noel playing together?  I know my next child will also be a girl, I can't tell you WHY I feel this way I just do.  I have a feeling that I'm going to get pregnant without trying the next time around as well.  There have been days recently that I would swear to you I was pregnant, but then the feeling will pass.  I've take tests and they are negative.  I can't explain much more, I just know that I'm in for a restless night full of crazy dreams.
I hope that I get a call from the hospital tomorrow and am told I have a job.  I want to go back to work now. I've had enough of being home.
Anyway, I'll close and say sweet dreams to all of you, I know that I won't have them and if I do I will just be happy about it.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Thinking about different things...

We had a scare this weekend with our Orange Kitty.  He began urinating blood.  Orange Kitty is my husbands cat.  He has lived with us since we were married 2 1/2 years ago, so I have come to love him as well even though we got off to a pretty rocky start.  Orange Kitty used to pee on me when I would stay the night at his parent's house, he did this not once, not even twice but three times...He has also pee'd on me here in our own house 2 times.  So this cat whom I love dearly has literally pee'd on me 5 times in the 12 years I have known him.  John is his Daddy and he doesn't like it if I take up his space on the bed.  Anyway, long story short, we are not yet out of the woods with his health.  He has to go back to the vet next week for another urine test because of the crystals in his urine for the original tests.  So I have had to face the realization that we may lose our big kitty.  I do not want to think about it, but I have no choice.  This house would feel empty without him here.  I know we have the babies, and the babies are a handful, but I NEED the Orange Kitty to help me with them.  He literally trains them just as much has John and I do and more because he actually knows what they are thinking.  I wanted him to take them outside and show them around their yard when they are old enough.  That and they absolutely love their new Kitty Daddy.  Orange Kitty will give the babies baths when they are dirty and swat them when they misbehave.  It is a unique situation we have and I do not what the balance upset.  I will not take a death well be it animal or person at this time in my life.  I've had enough of death.  I know that death is a part of life and that inevitably orange kitty will die.  I do not want that to happen anytime soon.  I would lose it completely.  I love Orange Kitty as much as I love my babies.

The other item I've been dwelling on for almost a week now is my best friends baby shower.  I have told her my misgivings about attending the shower.  I want to go, I really do.  But I also know that if I do go that I will most likely start crying and not be able to stay for the whole shower.  I do not want to ruin the shower for her because I can't control my emotions.  That is my fear.  I know that most Mom's like me feel this aversion to baby showers.  I also know that if I was currently expecting myself that it would be easier for me to go.

But that obviously hasn't happened and until I get a job again my husband refuses to even try.  I have NEVER been more frustrated in my life.  I wish he would just let us try there are programs out there for pregnant mothers who are unemployed.  While I KNOW that its not the RIGHT way to do things I don't care.  I just want a chance to have a baby.  I've waited long enough, I've had to wait my entire life for everything I have.  I had to wait until I was 34 to get married.  I had to wait until I was nearly 36 to get pregnant the first time only to have my baby die 2 days before she was born.  I don't understand.  I don't get why I can't have what I want when I want it. I feel like I've got this cloud over me all the time.  I'm so frustrated with him that I want to scream.  I just don't understand why he feels like he has to always do everything right, or the RIGHT he has in his head.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Baby Showers...Bringing me to tears...

Good Evening All:
I have been invited to two baby showers in the month of April.  I'm overjoyed and excited for the new parent's to be, more then I can truly express to them.  I am struggling and torn between wanting to attend and KNOWING in my heart that I can't.  I WANT to celebrate these new lives with my friends, my heart and my head are at odds with each other today.  I care deeply for both sets of parent's and while I sit here and try to explain how I am feeling and share with you its still very difficult for me to get these thoughts out of my head.  I was told about the first shower, an old friend (and I do mean old I've known him since birth) is having a new baby with his girlfriend.  The other more significant shower is for my best friend.  Both couples are expecting baby boys.  The showers are on the same weekend one Saturday the other Sunday, I truly wish I had some time in between and not right on top of each other.  I want more then anything to attend, but I know that watching baby item after baby item being unwrapped and ohh'd and ahh'd over and the games that will be played will be to much for me to handle.  My emotions are still to raw even 6 months after losing my sweet baby girl Noel.  I thought that being for boys and not girls that it would be easier for me but I know it won't be, I'm not ready yet.  I can't celebrate in the way that I need to for the sake of my friends.  I DO NOT want to ruin the shower's by running out of them in tears and making a spectacle of myself.  I WANT them to have a day for them and the new precious lives they both carry.  
I also know that if I was expecting my second child that it would be easier for me to take but that hasn't happened yet.  How do I explain to my best friend who I love like a little sister and need in my life that I can't come to her shower, I feel like the worst friend in the world to her already because I avoid contact, I rarely call her now and keep my contact to face book or some other way that is much too impersonal.  I'm not angry at her, just the opposite as a matter of fact but suffering the way I am I do not want to push my feelings onto her.  I want her to enjoy her pregnancy and I bite my tongue and try my hardest not to say things to make her feel paranoid, I already know that my next pregnancy will be closely watched by me and my doctors, that I will not have a moment of peace until that baby is outside of me and breathing.
I try everyday to deal with the thoughts in my head, its really loud in there with all the screaming that I do, but I keep it inside as much as I can and the days when I do lose control are so ugly I don't want to think about them.  I don't like to share what I say to myself and this is the closest I will get to getting it out there ever.  Tomorrow is once again Thursday, my baby girl would be 6 months old.  The thought is mind numbing to me. Noel will never be 6 months old, she will never be given the chance to grow and mature because all that was taken away from her.  As I sit here crying because that reality just hit me so hard in the face that I won't ever get to see her again.  I can only hope that one day soon I can hold another baby in my arms and watch another baby grow and mature, but that baby won't be my little Noel.  I miss her so much each and every day.  I miss her cuddling up when I began to sing, read or just talk to her, she just knew I was doing these things just for her.  
Anyway, I'm going to go now, I can't see to type through the tears and I don't want John to get upset that I'm crying.  For now I'll try and laugh at the TV show I am about to watch.  Hopefully I can fall asleep without the tears tonight, and wake up tomorrow and hope for the best but be ready for the worst. 

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Why is sleep so hard to come by...

I LOVE to sleep.  For awhile now, I have been having extreme difficulty turning my brain off to fall asleep.  When I lay my head down on the pillow my brain goes into hyper drive.  I start thinking about a million different things and I can't stop.  I try reading, warm milk, chamomile tea a warm shower, all the "usual" ways to make oneself tired.  I'm getting to the point where I think I need to start thinking about medicating myself.  I know when I was pregnant with Noel I had so many sleepless nights that my doctor had me start taking 50mgs of Benedryl a night to help me fall asleep.  I am going to go and buy some tomorrow because this is beginning to be ridiculous.  I start wandering the house, picking things up here and there, tonight I found myself in the nursery.  These are the most disturbing nights because now I know I will not fall asleep for hours because I will be thinking about Baby Noel.  I will go back to that place where I start asking the "what if''s".  I won't go into those again, I've already listed all my what if's out in a previous post.  But it doesn't take away the fact that I'm constantly finding myself in this merry go round night after night.  I know a lot of it is I took today off from working in the yard.  All last week I worked in the gardens around the house, I have 6 different plots of plants around my house, so I've been working and working out there all week.  Today I decided because I'm so sore that I needed the day off, I only did a couple of loads of laundry and the dishes.  Now I'm full of what I can only describe as nervous energy.  I would go for a walk but our street doesn't have lights and I'm mostly blind in the dark anymore so I don't feel comfortable going out there at night, not that I live in a bad area, its just slightly rural and its not other people that I am I guess afraid of, its the animals, I have a small fear of racoons and opposums as silly as that sounds I can't help it.  Because It would be MY LUCK (because if I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all) I would be attacked by a rabid racoon or something equally menacing.  So THIS is my outlet, I hope by the time I stop writing that I can go back upstairs crawl back into bed and blissfully fall asleep.  But what will really happen is I will ramble on and on here and then go play FB games unitl my eyes cross and THAN I will fall asleep laptop open in the chair until the baby kitties wake me up trying to suck my neck. 
Noel's Garden is mostly finished, I know I keep saying that but I keep getting items from people that are special to them for me to plant for her.  I am picking up a pink hydrangea from her Grandpa Waltz to put in her garden tomorrow, he has also given me some white and blue iris's to specifically plant in there for her which I did yesterday.  Grandma Connie gave me some cosmos and forget me not seeds that I put in yesterday, I sincerely hope I didn't plant them to early, but again my wonderful luck we will have snow in April.  I want to try and find a statue I can put in as well, I have an idea for it in my mind, and I've seen some I really like but its not exactly right.  I know I'll find it, I just want to make sure that my angel baby has something beautiful in there just for her. 
That's the other thing, I know people keep saying their faith has gotten them through their times of grief.  I have a problem with my faith.  I think I've completely lost it.  I have so much anger towards God, I don't want to believe in heaven and hell.  I want people to shut up about God.  God let me down, I prayed and prayed to him about Noel when I was pregnant and he took her from me.  I'm so sick and tired of people telling me that God loves me, I don't feel the love.  All God did for me was take my baby.  He didn't help her or me when we needed it, he just let her die.  Maybe that is part of what keeps me awake at night, I quit praying to God.  I've given up hope that he is out there.  I just mostly want to think that God is something us humans made up to make us feel better about dying.  We all eventually die.  We all WANT to believe that our spirit goes on but does it?  When you die here on earth does your spirit really go to some everlasting life? I mean that is what christians believe. Right?  So where is the proof? Do we just rely on a book written over 2000 years ago and blindly follow what it says all based on FAITH? There a so many other religions out there, who is right?  I mean the Indian peoples have been practicing Hindu for about 1000 years longer then christians, are THEY right?  The Buddiest, is there such a thing as enlightenment?  They have been around longer then the christians, or is it the Jews that have it right? The muslims?  When you talk about God, Faith, Religion do you really know what your talking about or are you just talking about something you read or was told in your up bringing?  Or are we all just looking for SOMETHING we can have faith in?  It doesn't really exist but we try to make ourselves feel better.  Oh sure I'll say even now that Noel is in heaven but I'm not really sure I believe that anymore.  Because to believe in Heaven says you believe in God.  What happens when there is no heaven and there is no God and your spirit is just gone?  You were alive one day and gone the next, and I mean truly gone, when you stop breathing there is no "spirit" that goes to another world. What if you are reborn?  But then if that happened wouldn't whatever form you took, wouldn't you WANT your family to know you were there?  What if you became a blade of grass?  What if you went from being human to being a tree, wouldn't you want to be close to the family you left behind?  What if your family moved?  Then what? See I'm thinking I might be partially crazy but wouldn't it make sense if all humans who died became a plant, maybe that is why we don't know about what happens when we die.  I have a billion blades of grass in my yard, what if they really were all humans at one point, I know I wouldn't ever cut my grass again if I thought it would FEEL me cutting off its head 1 to 2 times per week.  Anyway, I'm nuts but maybe you aren't, rationally speaking it would freak me out if my grass started communicating with me.  They always say plants grow best when you talk to them, maybe this is why...
See this is the kind of stuff that rattles around in my brain.  I want answers.  I want to know WHY my baby girl was taken away from me.  I want to know WHERE she is now if her spirit is somewhere else.  I've become crazy not even meaning to.  I want to know what happens to a person's spirit if we have one, I want to see and know and touch if for myself.  For me now all this faith stuff just isn't cutting it.  I want to know where we all go when we die.  I want to experience for myself.  Not saying that I want to die to find out, but I want to know so I can share it with other people.  So I can tell them EXACTLY what happens.  I cannot believe in something that isn't tangible for me. I can't blindly keep on believing in something anymore.  So until God or whatever "all powerful being" contacts me personally and gives me some answers I think I'll just keep on wondering.  I highly doubt I'll be "talked to" by anything.  I doubt that I'm that important.  Maybe I do need meds, because I really do sound like a crack pot.  But such is the day today.  I am now yawning so I guess I'll go back upstairs and try this whole sleep thing again and see how it works out. 
Have a nice night, I'm sorry if I have offended anybody, remember this is just my personal thoughts.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

HUGS Meeting and various other random thoughts for tonight...

I met a group of wonderful ladies tonight at my first HUGS group meeting.  I learned that I'm not alone in this world I now find myself.  I'm sad and happy all at the same time because I now know that my feelings of anger and retreat are not only mine.  I feel complete relief in this small thing because those are the most powerful feelings that I have.  And I thank all of them for listening to my story, for hearing me and for the support that I have despreately needed. 

My mom went to the meeting with me, she is my rock and I know she will always be with me in any moment of need that I have.  I know that my first 48 hours in the hospital when I had Noel are a blur, I do not remember a lot of what happened, and until tonight I don't think I wanted to.  She did bring up something that upset her and I know what she means because it upsets me as well.  Part of me feels a need to explain this to not only her, but to myself, the reasoning behind why I changed the babies name from Maria Isabella to Noel Mary.  My husbands mother's name was Maria, she died in 2005 and I made a promise to John before we were married that our first daughter would have her first name.  Why I changed my babies name to Noel Mary was not as unselfish as I would like people to believe, I didn't want to have John, his father and his brothers to have to bury another Maria Waltz, and THAT is the reason I give most everybody.  WHY I named Noel, well NOEL is because I'm selfish and I wanted MY DAUGHTER to be named after me, Noel and Natalie mean the exact same thing "Born on Christmas Day" Mary is MY middle name.  NO ONE on this planet knew my daughter like I did.  When it comes right down to it, if Noel had not been stillborn I would of probably named her exactly like I did.  When I looked at her I knew that I made the right choice, she was a perfect little clone of ME, I have my pictures of her and I have my baby pictures now and last week I compared them, she looks EXACTLY like me. From her chubby little cheeks right down to her perfect little nose.  In turn I look exactly like my own mother.  I understand that some people still won't understand but at that moment when I really thought about it, the name came to me.  My parent's almost named ME Noel.  Regardless, my daughter and I have names that are alike, that have the same root meaning and that is what is important to me. 

So now that I've "come clean" about that I want to move on. 

I have another issue that I want to write about tonight and its something my husband asked of me.  I don't realize how much of my anger is directed at him.  Even when I'm not angry with him whatever it is that has pissed me off he is the one that has to hear about it.  He is the one that all the negative energy bounces off of even when its not really his fault whatever happened happened.  I do NOT mean to do this, and it upsets me that I make him feel like he is the one I'm angry at.  Does he piss me off, absolutely, he is a MAN and sometimes he does or says something really stupid.  But I cannot keep sounding off to him like I do, but I don't know how to keep my mouth shut when I'm mad.  I need to work on how to walk away and go do something, at this point I feel like I'm pushing him beyond what is normal.  So I am going to try really really hard NOT to be mad and tell him all about it if doesn't involve him.  Moving on...

The kittens are getting so big, they are more like teenagers now then babies.  They are showing signs of becoming more independant, Mini Me is exhibiting this much more then Magellan but Mini will come when he is called to give me kitten kisses still.  Magellan has been trying to act like he doesn't need Mommy anymore but he still insists on being a vampire kitten and trying to suck on my neck.  Magellan also has a "Mommy is Mine" thing going on as well.  He will push Mini off of me when he tries to get to close.  I love my babies and am so happy they came into my life when they did, they make me feel needed and wanted and I can "mother" them when I need to feel that closeness. 

I guess that is really all my random thoughts for the night, I'm not really tired but think I need to spend some time with John and make him feel loved.  Good Night!

Spring in Michigan

When you think of Spring here in Michigan you think of the crocus, tulips, daffodils etc, all the prettiness coming out.  I am sitting here today with the windows open and the kittens flying between the front windows and the doorwall and I can't help but wonder how today would be if Noel was here.  I know I would take her out and walk her around and start telling her what each flower is in Mommy's garden.  I know she wouldn't understand but I can bet that she would love to see the little green shoots coming out all over the place.  I just remember that last year at this time I was still adjusting to being pregnant.  I was craving Tubby's Sub's and would make John go out there at least twice a week to satisfy my craving, it drove him nuts.  The closest Tubby's is out in East Waterford, and its about 45 mins from our house. 

I am frustrated today because John is off and instead of spending the day with me, he takes off and goes with his brother Joe.  Normally I wouldn't mind, but as he has worked everyday this week and I have been basically trapped at home I was really hoping we could do something together.  I am also frustrated that we haven't received any of my money from Unemployment, so I can't go anywhere that i want to because I don't have the gas to get there and no money to spend once I reach the destination.  Not that I NEED anything, I just don't want to sit at home and do nothing, I have done so much house and garden work this week that I'm burnt out, I want to just GO somewhere, even if it is garage saling.  I'm really sore from all the yard work, and need to take it easy today not because I WANT TO but because my body is TELLING me that is how its gonna be today. 

I guess I could go to my mom's house, I am going later and I only have enough gas to get there and home.  Thankfully John get's paid tomorrow and I can put a little gas in my tank.  I could beg mom to let me come earlier so I could take a bath, maybe soak out some of the soreness, it always help at least for a little while.  And I'm sure she would say come on over, but I feel like I'm imposing on her and my dad. What I need is to win the lottery and become independantly wealthy and I can install my own jacuzzi.

Well I don't have anything else say right now, so I'll stop typing. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

To sleep or not to sleep...

Tonight, once again I'm awake at 1am.  I went to bed at 11:30, read a little of my book, fell asleep while reading said book and woke up for a brief moment to put the book down and turn off the light.  Oh yeah, baby Magellan thought it was the right time to jump into bed with mommy and proceed to be vampire kitten.  He has this deal and it happens every single night, that when I light goes off he comes into bed with me and begins trying to suck my neck, my face or any other crevice he can get himself into.  This of course wakes me up because its such a weird feeling.  I know he needs reassurances that I'm there and that I love him.  That I'm mommy and he just needs to be close, but I need to sleep and I can't do that if I'm constantly pushing a kitten off my neck. 
Now I'm awake and that's not a good thing for me.  This is the time of night that I start thinking about Noel the most, when the whole house is sleeping and its finally quiet, there aren't any kittens that need looking after and no husband to ask me to find this or get that or where is that thing he was looking for.  I'm alone with my own thoughts and my thoughts drive me insane most of the time.  I wonder how different our lives would be at this moment if Noel was asleep up in her crib.  How would she be?  During my pregnancy night time was when she was most active, when I would lay down to sleep after a long day she would remind me very forcefully that she was there.  Night time was when I would talk to her, I would read to her and I would sing softly to her.  It was our time. But really most nights I would read for about 30 mins before I would just pass out from exhaustion.  Somehow she knew when my voice would change, as I began to read slower she somehow knew that it was time to settle down and relax.  I remember that last night, I had been to my mom's 2 times that day to take bath's because I was so sore and I couldn't move and it was the only way to relax ME, but I know she liked to go in the tub.  I went to my parent's almost every day the last couple of weeks I was pregnant to take a bath and my dad would laugh and ask me if I was there to drown the baby again.  Bath time was relaxation time for both of us, when bath time was over it was easiest to sleep because I was relaxed and so was she.  I know she loved bath time and I think I went over as much for her as I did for myself.  I loved to sit in the tub and watch her shift positions and watch my entire stomach move, it was an odd feeling but it was also odd to watch.
I guess I'm talking about bath time because I just went over this evening to have a bath, my period decided to start a couple of days early and my cramps got the best of me today.  This morning I had no idea it was coming.  Its still a bit of a shock to me when I start my period, because through your whole pregnancy you dread any kind of bleeding and it became second nature to me to watch out for it.  I realize that I am not pregnant any longer, I'm not completely crazy, but when you don't have your child you pause for a moment, remember and then go forward, its that moment that I pause when I realize I'm bleeding that first day.  Its a weird feeling, my heart makes a slight jump and my instant response is to go to the hospital and then within that same second I remember again that I'm not pregnant and I don't have to do anything but find the tampons and the midol.  The second thought is that we were unsuccessful in conceiving again this month.  I have only been able to TRY for 2 cycles now, but with the loss of my job we STOPPED trying this month, we don't have insurance and I want to secure another job before I get pregnant again.  I guess really next month we will be able to try again if all the paperwork goes through at McLaren and I am just waiting to hear when I need to go in and do my physical and drug screen.  But I really hate that we had to take this last month off.  More than anything in the world I want to get pregnant again, I'm scared as hell about it, but its what I want most.  I just want to get on with it so I can start going to the doc and seeing the ultrasounds and hearing the babies heartbeat.  That was my favorite part of my doctor appointments, when they put that think up to my belly and I could hear Noel and KNOW she was okay.  I swear my next pregnancy I will have one of those prenatal monitors straped to me at all times with one of the ear plugs always attached so I can hear a heartbeat at all times.  Losing Noel like we did I can't risk anything and if I can hear my baby all the time then I will know that he or she is okay.  I can't ask the what if's anymore, I can't ask what if I had one of those that day/night before I went into the hospital.  I know that if her heart stopped beating there wouldn't have been anyway to save her even then, I know now that there is only 6 minutes from the time that the heart stops to death.  But I wonder sometimes if I had one would I have heard something that would of made me go to the hospital earlier.  If there would of been something to indicate there was a problem.  This is what torments me, I keep going back to the what if's and it really drives me crazy.  But I promise, my first purchase the day I find out I'm pregnant will be a prenatal monitor, I will find the money to get one, in fact I might even buy one BEFORE I KNOW ANYTHING to make damn sure I have it.  To me, that is the one thing I have GOT to absolutely have.  I need to go to bed. 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Noel's Garden

"If love could of spared you you would live forever"
This is the stone my cousin and friend Marianne gave to me shortly after I came home from the hospital after having my little girl Noel.  This stone has her name and birthdate engraved on it as well as the above quotation.  I worked in baby Noel's garden today and I am thinking of my little girl and where she would be in her development today.  It isn't difficult to know almost exactly where she would be.  I have a friend whose little girl was born only a few days before my precious Noel.  I see pictures of her about every other day on facebook and those pictures to me are very bitter sweet.  I can see where Noel would of been had she had a chance at life. 
Today really wasn't anything special, it was just really our first nice day here in Michigan for early spring.  There were not any triggers that set me into thinking about Noel or aching to hold her or to kiss her or just to see her with my own eyes.  It was a day just like any other.  However, I know that she would have been outside with her Daddy and me working in the yard.  Its only hard because she isn't here, and she can't be.  I wish every moment of everyday that Noel was here with us.  Where she belongs. 
John and I are getting ready to try again for baby #2.  I just secured a new position and will hopefully start work within the next week or so.  We were cleared in January to begin again, but I lost my job and we had to put those plans on hold so we could make sure we were covered under insurance.  The decision to begin again has not been an easy one.  While more than anything I want to have a baby of my own, I feel guilty.  I feel as if I'm attempting to replace Noel with another baby.
I have two kittens now that I brought home on Jan 2.  They are the sweetest twin little boys that I have ever had.  They seem to know exactly when Mommy needs some extra love, they know when my mood changes and I start to sink into the ever present depression.  I try everyday to fight through it, but the fighting is starting to tire me out, I find myself losing control and acting out a lot lately.  Mostly its anger that comes out, I will get mad about something and will dwell on it until I blow a simply problem out of proportion.  My parent's and husband want me to begin attending a special group for mother's like me.  Mother's who have had the devastating loss of their newborn.  I have joined the FB page and am already communicating with other members.  I do look forward to the first meeting where I can see these women face to face and put their stories with their faces.  I am trying very hard not to lose control but as I said it takes a lot of effort for me to do so and when I don't keep a firm grip I do lose it.  This issue I know is normal, it happens to most people that have been through a loss like mine, but I don't like losing control, I don't like how it makes me feel.  I want it all to stop.  I want my craziness to go away.  I feel that if anybody but my family see's me lose it that I will lose my friends.  That they won't want to deal with someone like me, that I'm "Poor Natalie".  I really HATE when I look at someone and I see that in their eyes.  I also find myself turning inwards, not wanting to make new friends and not really trying to keep the friends that I do have.  I have been pushing people away from me, not accepting peoples help.  Not letting anybody in, because I swear if I did let them in and they really saw the mess that I was in that they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I have become suicidal at times, well since I'm being honest I feel suicidal most of the time, I just don't have anybody close to me that understands me anymore.  The only thing lately that has kept me going are John and the kittens.  I know that my husband wouldn't make it without me.  He is the one person that went through and shared most of my emotions through the last few months.  There are few emotions that I have that he doesn't share.  However, I obviously have so many more homones than he does.  My brain doesn't work like his does.  I believe that anti-depressents would help me, however I cannot risk the side effects that they could have on my next pregnancy.  There are so many birth defects that they are linked to I cannot take a chance.  Time is NOT on my side at this point in my life, In a few short weeks I will be 37 and ALL my risks go up again with another year added to my age.  Its scary enough for me to commit to another pregnancy, to go through the morning sickness and aching pelvis that by week 30 will be excrutiatingly painful.  To the point that I will not be able to get out of my bed some days.  I suffered terribly through my pregnancy with Noel, and look what it got me.  NOTHING.  I have a few pictures a foot print and a lock of my daughters hair.  I am thankful that I CAN have another baby, but I'm so afraid of what might happen that part of me doesn't even want to try.  Obviously the larger, saner part of me wants to have another baby, my husband wants another baby and my family wants me to have another baby.  Most importantly my desire to be a mom drives me. 
I have a lot more work to do in Noels' Garden, I want to find a bench that I can put in it where I can sit, I need to find a shepards hook for the dragonfly iron sculptur my mom found for me to go into it to hang from.  I want to find a couple more butterfly bushes to go into it as well.  there are also a few more flowers I want to put in it as well.  Stargazer Lillies, some petunias, and pansy's.  I look forward to summer so I can see how it all is going to come together.  I hope in reality its as beautiful to look at as I picture it in my mind. 
I have only shared this blog address with one person.  I don't know if she will ever read through it, but I think sharing it with certain people will help me.  Not that they need to read it but maybe I need some validation.  Knowing that I'm writing this, that I have poured a lot of myself into it.  I want to give my closest friends the opportunity to finally see into my life a little more, into my heart.  To know how I truly as feeling.  I also know there is one post here in particular regarding John and music, that issue has since resolved itself.  We have agreed to disagree. 
One day soon maybe I'll be able to post things here that are more happy then sad, but for now I need to release those things that are in my mind.  The "demons" for lack of a better word.  I live with them everyday, its not a nice place to be most days, but I work on it everyday.  I try everyday to move forward, but its like walking in super sticky mud, that steals your boots and socks.  Then the days that I get stuck in quicksand and feel like I'm sinking and I can't get out, those are the darkest days, days that I don't like to recall or remember.  Most of those are in the past, they happened shortly after I came home from the hospital.  But I will have one every so often.  Those are the days when I have lost control.  Only a few people have seen me lose control, John and my parent's and unfortunately John's younger brother Joe.  I feel embarrassed because those are people that are very close to me, and I don't want them to see me like that.  That is why I have pulled away, because I'm scared that I will lose it, when I do its scary.  I don't like for ANYBODY to see me like that, I wish that I could just put myself into a padded cell until I can get myself out of that state, but its not possible.  I'm completely rational at this moment, I promise, but talking about my feelings even to myself to get them out isn't easy.  I"m sure its not easy to read.  I feel like I SHOULD share this with those friends and relatives that are closest.  I think I will I intend to, I want to. 
Please remember, some of what is written here was written when I was in the lowest parts of my greiving process, some days I'm better then others.