Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Now that Christmas is over...

Honestly, Christmas is my most favorite time of year, my husband and I know that Noel was conceived last year around Christmas/New Years, when she was inuterio her name was Maria Isabella, after my husbands deceased mother.  However, when the doctors and nurses told us that the baby had died I refused to name her after Maria, I didn't want to put Johns Dad or Brothers or HIM through another burial of a Maria Waltz...It was hard on all of us the first time around.  My name is Natalie its French as are 1/2 of my ancestors and it means "Born on Christmas Day" my mom is also a huge Christmas nut.  Noel means the same thing as my name does, and we also gave her my middle name. 
Anyway, I apologize for the ramble.  Needless to say Christmas Day for me was pure torture, I cried about 5 times that day, in the morning when I first woke up and knowing there wasn't a single present under the tree was so depressing, sitting there in the early morning and looking at an empty Christmas tree is enough to make anybody cry, but that isn't why I cried that morning, I was crying because I knew I was missing out on something super cool and that was to be Santa for the very first time for my own child.  And then the remembering that my own child is no longer with me, that she is under a grave blanket in the cemetary and she is cold.  THAT is what I thought about Christmas Morning.  And I kept thinking along that line of thought all day, it didn't matter that my family was extra careful around me, or that everybody knows what I deal with on a daily basis but they don't see it and when they do they withdraw from me.  I was always the bright spot, I loved being the center of attention and was kind of the favorite of everybody in the family.  In some aspects I still am, but EVERYBODY noticed when I was the one to withdraw, when I wasn't hamming it up and playing with everyone.  They all noticed that my sparkle was gone, and it still is, and I pray that one day it will come back.  But its hard for me to even smile most days let alone play around with my family. 
It doesn't matter at this point how much time has passed since Noel's death, its still as fresh and hurts just as much as it has from the beginning...

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