Sunday, April 29, 2012

Another Unbelievable hurdle to over come...

I honestly believe that John & I have a really black cloud above us.  Once a problem (MY JOB) get's "fixed" there is another issue that comes right on the heals.  I know most of those reading are on my FB as well, but the newest "challenge" the timing chain went in my car.  Now I realize my car is a 2003 and I know that it has ALMOST 200,000 miles on it, but never would I think that the entire engine would go.  That's right folks, when THAT little problem happens to your car (especially if you drive a grand am from 2003) you have no choice but to replace the entire engine.  So NOW tomorrow I'll be making phone calls all over Michigan looking for a re-manufactured engine for my car.  The alternative, buy a new car, but guess what, seeing as how we have a ton of medical bills that went to collections our credit scores have taken a serious hit, there isn't a single dealership out there that would give us a car loan.  Like I said its just one thing after another.  There are days when I wonder how much more can we take, how much more before everything tears apart what John and I have together.  It just feels like life has it in for us.  Like what more can we possibly do to this two people that we haven't already done just to see how strong they are, will they make it?  Thankfully I start my new job soon so we won't be attempting to pay everything on unemployment, which is a joke by the way, I don't know WHAT a family bigger then two people would do.  Anyway, I just keep praying that all the bad stuff will stop that something GOOD will come out of it all.  I'm trying to remain optimistic, trying but tonight I'm doing poorly.

Anyway, beyond that, I attended my first baby shower since Noel was born sleeping.  I surprised myself, I did not cry once.  Its the little things, the everyday things that you need to get through and make it to the other side and know that you made it.  Was it hard watching my BFF open gifts for her baby, YES it was, but it was a dull pain, one that wasn't sharp and didn't hurt just the ache wishing Noel was there with me, I could have showed her off a little, but again, I am wishing and I know that it won't happen, I just WISH it was how things were.  I guess we missed out window this month to try again, so hopefully next month we can work a little harder on getting pregnant ourselves.

I truly hope that by this time next month that I am pregnant that I can rejoice in carrying another child.  I know I'll be healthier, I've lost 5.2 lbs so far on weight watchers, so I am doing good.  I did take the weekend off from exercising, but I will be back at it tomorrow, I have one week left of my "forced vacation" to get the house cleaned and the laundry done before I go back to work full time and have an excuse as to WHY my house looks like frat boys live in it.

Only time will tell on when John & I get pregnant, I hope its as easy the getting that way a second time around.  We will see...Have a good night everybody.

Friday, April 27, 2012

New Job...New Life...

I signed all my paperwork today for my new job that I start on May 7th.  I'm so excited to be able to go back to work in a position that I will absolutely excel in.  I will finally be bringing home more money and will be able to make bigger dents into my hospital and doctor bills.  We have been struggling for so long.  I know that we won't be able to pay everything right away but at least we can start fulfilling our obligations.  The nurses, doctors and other staff at Genesys Hospital took such good care of us while we were there I feel horrible that we haven't been able to give them the rest of their money.  But that light at the end of the tunnel is starting to get closer.  FINALLY!

Thursday, April 26, 2012


This is just to add insult to injury...My birthday, I understand that I may sound a little like a whiny 2 year old here but I have to get this one out...Please understand that my birthday has always been the highlight of my year, my birthday is paramount to Christmas in my book...

I have had a total of 36 birthdays on this planet.  My next birthday while I am going to be a year older I've been looking forward to.  WHY?! You can ask...My birthday for my entire life has been like a holiday for me.  My parent's while I was growing up always made a big deal about birthdays.  NOW being a Mom myself in the capacity that I find myself I completely understand, I know my Mom had difficulty getting pregnant so the days their babies were born I get it, I understand the Joy and Happiness they must have felt.  So I get why they made such a big deal about birthday's.  This year however, and mind you I was completely oblivious to this until last night, my birthday falls on Mother's Day.

Mother's Day this year was going to be hard enough, IT SHOULD be my first Mother's Day, the first time I WOULD have had my own child to celebrate with.  I want to know why, why does Mother's Day have to fall on my special day?  I only have this happen Once every 7 years or so, but WHY does it have to be this year?

So here is ANOTHER day that I am SUPPOSE to be happy, I'm suppose to have a good day on my birthday, but this year I'm going to be absolutely miserable.  Another holiday that I'm going to just be angry.  It is NOT fair that I have to go through this.  Not fair that I have to deal with all this misery all the time.  I USED TO LIKE myself, but now there are few days that I can even stand myself.  I do try everyday to be positive, and I really make an excellent effort.  But I do have those days that it doesn't matter what I do, or how positive I try to be my control will slip.  Last night, I lost it, but not in the normal way, I turned all the bad negative emotions in.  I have been doing this more and more often, and I do it to save John.  I can't lose my mind in front of him or anyone.  But then I start to feel resentful, like my feelings however stupid they may seem to others just don't matter.  I try...I really do...But I can't let go of this one...He says that maybe its just another test for me...That there is a reason why Mother's Day is falling on my birthday this year, but I just see it as a cruel joke, I thought cruel and unusual punishment was banned in the US.

Again, I'm really sorry if you think I'm being a baby, that I should be able to get through one birthday and one mother's day without a fit of tears or resentment.  I've been strong for too long.  This may just be another thing that breaks my resolve.  I'm going to TRY and make it, I really am.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Wings and Halo's...

This was posted by "Angel Baby" on Facebook.  Yes it made me cry a little but its so beautiful that I had to include it here.  I do not know who wrote this song, but I would LOVE to see it actually performed, because it really explains how a mother or father feels when you go to the cemetery to "visit" your baby.  Noel's grave IS under a tree, and I know she sends me dragon flies and butter flies all the time when I'm outside, just to say she is there with me.  Please read...I would LOVE to hear Dolly Parton's voice singing this, I don't know why I pick her, maybe because I've seen so much of her lately and she is SO REAL and SO HONEST about her life and where she came from.

Wings & Halos (Author Unknown)

I was so excited when I woke up today
I heard my Mommy was coming to play
I washed my wings and my halo too
Cuz that's what Mommy likes me to do

I went to the place where I knew she'd be
It's where she comes to visit me
She comes for comfort in her despair
Oh Mommy, can't you feel me touching your hair?

I'm by your side all through the night
I never let you out of my sight
I was your baby for not even a day
But soon we can be together and play

You know we'll never be apart
You'll never let me leave your heart
Mommy I'm not really in the ground,
lift up your head and look around

The clouds, the birds, the raindrops too
these gifts of life were given to you
Don't cry for me Mommy, I know you're here
Please let me wipe away that tear.

I was sent to you from up above
And you showed me the ultimate love
Instead of giving me all of your years
You freely gave me all of your tears

Remember your relatives, the ones who have died?
They brought me here, I'm by their side
They watch over me and help me to see
just how much you really love me

So don't be unhappy when you come visit me
I'm the angel above you, up in the tree
And when you leave, you'll never be through
You'll always be my Mommy
And I'll always love you!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Bills and Baby Magazines

Good Morning!
I'm so glad you are taking a moment to read today.

As I discussed yesterday I have made a life change in joining weight watchers.  So far I am doing really well, and hoping that the 40lbs that I have to lose will come off quickly.

Today my subjects are bills and baby magazines, I happen to be trying to go through the household budget and pay some bills.  You all know that I'm currently not working and we are struggling to make ends meet.   On Saturday my statement came from the hospital once again letting me know that I still owe them over $1800 for the birth of Noel.  We have been paying as much as we can every month to them, but I DREAD when this statement comes, because it takes me back to that awful hospital stay.  I wish we had the money to just completely pay it off so I don't have to get these bills every month, because honestly it always makes me cry.  I can't help it.  I know today I will receive the statements from the doctors, the anesthesiologist, and every body else who touched me.  These are the bills I wish I could just pay off and never have to see again.  Hopefully I get a call today that tells me I have a job, more then anything I need to get back to work so we can finally see the light at the end of this tunnel.  4/24/12-Adding this in because I FINALLY got the call late yesterday that I got the job at McLaren Hospital!  My first day is May 7th WOO HOOO!!!

Now BABY MAGAZINES...I have 2 magazines that I receive every month.  I have called, emailed and sent back these magazines back to the publisher, BEGGING them to STOP sending these to me.  They just make me remember that my baby isn't here in my arms anymore.  I don't know what to do about them anymore.  One of the girls in my HUGS group has returned the magazines with black marker saying return to sender my baby died and she is STILL receiving them.  While this may seem like a harsh statement she is sending, at this moment in time I completely understand.  I have never felt so inadequate in my life.  I can't stop them from coming and I'm sick of getting them.

On a completely different note, here is where my ADD kicks in, the kittens...My little boys are getting SO BIG,  they are now 5 months old.  Obviously they still are small and act like juvenile delinquents MOST of the time, okay MAGELLAN is the delinquent, but he is currently snuggling up on my lap and purring his little heart out.  I know later I'll be attempting to correct his little behaviors.  Mini Me is Magellan's complete opposite, he is a good boy ALL the time.  I am sure once Magellan get's his fill of loving on Mommy, Mini Me will climb up here and love on me.  I truly believe that God sent these two little miracles to me.  They ARE NOW my babies, my twin little boys that melt my heart with their love and affection, I have NEVER had kittens that act like these two.  I think he saw that I needed to be able to "mother" something and put these babies in my path to let them take care of ME.  They know when I am upset or when I cry, especially Magellan, he will come and just snuggle and I hear his little voice saying "Mommy its okay I'm here with you."  Anyway, for more on the boys see my facebook page, I have some new pictures of Mr. Magellan in the mixing bowl, literally.  :)  I wish you all peace and love, I hope that you will reach out to me if you need a friend in your time of need.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Catching up...

It has been a few days since my last post.  I haven't had much to share lately, I guess its because I've found a kind of peace.  I've gone through so much over the last 7 months, so many ups and downs, that to feel this type of peace is unusual for me or should I say isn't my new "normal."  I guess what prompted me to write is that I have made a big decision in my life in the last couple of days and I decided to share it with all of you.

Now I PROMISE that I'm not going to get "preachy" here, because to be honest people that talk on and on about this subject SERIOUSLY drive me insane.

So here goes...I decided to join weight watchers and TRY and work on getting healthy.  When I went into my last pregnancy I was WELL over 300lbs.  During my pregnancy because I was dx with gestational diabetes I lost an absolute TON of weight, because for my childs health and my own I had no choice but do the right thing...Right now I weigh ALMOST what I did when I delivered my beautiful angel Noel.  I DO NOT want to have to deal with sugar or blood pressure issues during my next pregnancy.  I know that one way I can do this is to take off the extra weight.  I cannot even TRY to get pregnant until I have lost 40lbs.  I am hoping over the next few months to do just that, I have to wait for insurance to kick in anyway and I need to make sure that I will fall under any company that hires me FMLA guidelines.  So I have some time anyway so why not USE that time to my advantage.  Yes it irritates me beyond reason that I cannot get pregnant RIGHT THIS MINUTE because the good Lord knows that is what I want more then anything in this world.  But I have this practical voice in my head that sounds an awful lot like my husband that keeps saying we need to go into the next pregnancy with all the ducks we can possibly line up in a row.  So I made the decision (GRUDGINGLY) to attempt weight watchers.  I have a "buddy" to help and encourage me, as she has done for my ENTIRE life and I mean people from the moment I was born, as you may have guessed its my Mom.  She has always been that voice in the other part of my brain that sounds off WHENEVER I even THINK about doing something I KNOW is wrong telling me I shouldn't be doing this.  I can't tell you how many times I've done it anyways and now that I'm older and wiser know I should have listened.  So this time, she point blank told me, and I decided to listen for a change, so let's just see what happens.  I've stuck to the plan, I've exercised for 2 days in a row (which in and of it self is a small miracle) and I'm actually TRYING to do this.  Hopefully it works and I do really well.  I'm being tentative now and most likely will be a month from now, but I have a feeling that once I get to the first "big goal" of losing 40lbs. I'll want to keep it up.  My ultimate goal is to lose 74lbs, that would put me in a range of not being "obese."  I honestly can't remember when I wasn't considered "obese" by the medical world, sure I have pictures of that time in my life but to remember it now is impossible.

I can tell you this, doing something good for myself is starting to lift me out of the grief I have been feeling.  Its making me look FORWARD instead of remembering when.  I have been stuck in a limbo for a long time, somewhere between the past and the present but never really in the present at all.  I haven't been able to look at life beyond yesterday, because everyday takes me one more away from when I had Noel.  I can honestly tell you TODAY was the first day that I thought about her that I didn't shed a tear or two.  Even now I am not crying and I normally do when I write here.  I don't want her looking down from Heaven and always seeing her Mommy crying.  I want her to know that we are okay, that one day in the future we will see her again.  For now, we will try everyday to be strong, to get stronger and work on being the people she would be proud to call her parent's.

I wish you all gentle peace for yourselves, to remember the angel babies everyday, and to be strong for you. God will watch out for us.  Remember that he IS always there, YOU just need to reach out, ask him to help and you will feel it in your hearts as well.  :)

Friday, April 13, 2012

Heaven is for Real...

If you are reading my blog, then you are well aware of the issues I have been having with God and religion.  I just read the book Heaven is for Real.  This book was given to me by Pastor Claus (yes this is his real name) on the day of Noel's funeral.  I have waited this long to read it because I have been questioning my faith so much. I'm not going to go into detail and retell the story here because I want each and every person that reads my blog to pick this book up and read it.  It took me only about 3 hours to read the book myself while I was baking cookies tonight.
I will however address one part of the book that smacked me in the face and told me to wake up.  The family had suffered a miscarriage, the little boy in this book approaches his mother and confronts her by telling her he has two sisters, and that one died in her tummy.  The baby that died didn't have a name and had been adopted by God the Father until her parent's got to Heaven to name her.  The fact that this baby girl who died was only 2 months along when she passed gives me a glimmer of true hope.  I KNOW that my baby Noel is with God and I KNOW that Jesus is teaching her as he teaches ALL CHILDREN.  Jesus LOVES CHILDREN.  I also know that she has a TON of relatives up there with her keeping her safe until John and I can get there.
I am truly sorry for the blasphemy I have put in this blog, for the accusations and the wrongs I have put onto God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.  While I will NEVER understand why Noel was taken, I need to accept that this is part of God's plan for me.  For us.  I just pray that he will in time forgive me.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Survived another holiday and a SERIOUS religious talk...

My family got together today to celebrate Easter.  I'm sure you all know that once again this would have been Noel's first Easter.  You can't help but see the baby/kids section when you walk through Wal-Mart or Meijer and of course there were about 5 different dresses I would have loved to have dressed Noel in today.  But I don't get to do that now do I?  Why?  Because my daughter is no longer with me.  I do hope there is a heaven but to believe in heaven would mean that I would have to believe in god.  But believing in god is very hard for me.  I did not go to church today, with my beliefs up in the air I didn't want to go there and make a mockery of a holiday that people there obviously believe in.  I cannot come to terms that the god I was brought up to believe in, that I TAUGHT young children about myself as a Sunday school teacher, I cannot believe in a god that steals perfectly healthy babies from their mothers.  I have a hard time with the facts here.  I prayed so many times to that god to keep my baby safe, to have her be healthy and whole.  I guess I forgot to mention that I would like to have her alive when she was born.  I worshiped this god my entire life and when I needed that god the most, he let me down.  COMPLETELY let me down.  The god I thought I knew was not a vindictive god but a loving god who took care of his children, ALL of his children.  I guess god took a day off the day I needed him, or he forgot that I was here or something.  Is it fair of me to blame god for what happened to my daughter?  I don't have an answer but I can tell you my actions are exactly that, I do blame god for taking my baby away from me and her daddy.  I feel like all my faithfulness was completely denied in the hour that I needed that god the most.  Now I have posted a couple of other times about god and religion, I'm obviously confused and there are days that I feel like I'm on the proverbial "fence" on religion altogether.  I ask myself what would make the god I knew and loved turn his back on me so fully?  I will never say I was a good christian, that I went to church every Sunday, I am not perfect I am human, but I did believe in god the father, god the son and god the holy ghost.  I did accept jesus christ as my savior and asked him into my heart, that is what the bible tells us to do.  When we do those things we are assured a place in heaven as long as we ask for forgiveness of our sins.  I may not have prayed everyday, but when I did pray I always asked for forgiveness.  In the teachings I have been through it doesn't matter to god when you talk to him, when you pray to him, what matters is that you do.  I have lived my life as goodly as I could, I have always tried to be a good person and when I couldn't do that I asked for forgiveness for my transgressions and help that I may handle that situation differently if I ever found myself in it again.  I asked god to take my life over to tell me where to go and what to do.  God has never talked to me, if he has I didn't recognize it as god speaking directly to me or even through another person.  God has never to my knowledge gotten me out of a sticky situation.  I don't see his "hand" guiding me in my day to day life.  Despite the facts that he has never spoken to me and never done anything for me I still believed in him because that is what a good christian does, we believe blindly in a book that is well over 2,000 years old and take what that book says at face value and live our lives accordingly.  Now I know this might sound a bit off, but what if the Harry Potter series was touted as the "word of god".  Would we be scared shitless wondering if Lord Voldemort was going to come back after Harry killed him if we were told that Harry Potter was the messiah? Now I know the analogy may seem silly to you but TRY and imagine the world 2,000 years into the future.  If someone said 100 years from now that Harry was actually the messiah and this was his story would people 2,000 years in the future believe that rumor, and be worshiping Harry?   That is the problem with texts that are that old.  The story of jesus could be just that a STORY a book much like Harry Potter.  The other thing that gets me is that there are people out there that are deemed "prophets" by some, MOST of main stream christian people and everybody else think these people are crazy.  There is a LIST a mile long of people that have said "God told me this" or "God told me that."  They used to lock these people up in insane asylums, most whack jobs end up in prison or dead now adays, but COULD god actually be speaking to these people, you have David Coresh you know that creepazoid from Waco, Tx, he said GOD told him to do all the atrocities he did, this man had sex with young girls, old women you name it, was he doing what GOD told him to do?  Everybody I know would say that there is NO WAY their GOD would tell him to do those things, but what if his GOD did?  I mean think about it, all throughout history the human species had MULTIPLE gods or deities, the first RECORDED monotheistic religion was in Egypt and that pharaoh was nearly obliterated from knowledge by his people for forcing them to only worship one god.  We see over and over in history having a pagan religion was how it was up until the Jewish folks and their one god took hold, they were followed by the christians (did I mention the jews were partly responsible for the death of jesus?  they were his own people and a lot of them didn't agree with his "new" religious beliefs) and then the muslims.  We all believe in the same God the Father, Allah, whatever you want to call him.  We all split beliefs up when it comes to Jesus, the Jews flat out refuse to acknowledge Jesus as the messiah, the muslims concede that he may have been a prophet but wasn't the "Son of God".  What do the Jewish people know that we don't about Jesus, WHY wouldn't they believe?  WHAT made them not follow their brethren that DID start believing in Jesus?  I guess maybe I need to speak to someone Jewish and find out, because I'm very confused about this.  The other thing I want to bring up about the bible is that the bible you and I have read is so amended now,  so chopped up there are YEARS of the young Jesus's life that we know absolutely nothing about because those books that were written never made it into the bible if they even exist.  The translations from the original language to my language and numerous others a WRONG, words are interpreted differently from one language to another, the people that have studied any other language besides English/american (because let's face it English in ENGLAND and English in AMERICA sound like two completely different languages) KNOW that there are concepts and ideas that absolutely do not translate, they require the person learning to understand not only the word in the language but translate the whole idea into their own language and that can take up to 10x's the words in their own language to "get" the true meaning of the word in the language that is foreign to them. From what I understand the Latin bible was translated from Greek, and there are numerous books that were translated from another language.  Are we really getting the whole "story" in these botched translations, are we blindly trusting that we are "living by the bible" when ideas and concepts that were originally intended are in fact MISTRANSLATIONS?  Think about it.  I know one word that was in fact mistranslated and that was carpenter, we have the knowledge of what in OUR WORLD a carpenter does, he works with wood, metal or other materials to build things, structures or useful objects, the actual translation is a concept that Jesus was really someone that worked with his hands, the jobs he did were odd jobs, clearing fields, mending fences, working with his hands, not what we all think of as a carpenter, I don't know a carpenter that would clear fields in our world today do you?  That is only one example but you see how just one word can change the translation?  You can argue with me all you want that its FAITH and BELIEF that keep you worshiping god, that the jest is conveyed to the masses from the bible on how we are suppose to act what we are suppose to do, and I can't deny that.  But if you were brought up Buddist or Hindu or Jewish or PAGAN would you even understand all those crazy christians?  The worlds greatest known civilizations from the past were Pagan the Greeks, Romans, Celts, Indians (dots not feathers), Mayans, Chinese, Egyptians...ALL were originally Pagan for thousands of years.  Before that if you want to go back to neolithic times (hunter/gatherers) there is PROOF that they worshiped a WOMAN (HOLY COW REALLY, and speaking of COWS the Hindus love them, and NOT to eat), the woman or the "Earth Mother" but they also paid homage to the "spirits" of animals, they used animals as "totem spirits" the totem spirit was given to a child near birth and that animal spirit was their "protector."  Do you see where I'm going with this?  Yes these "other" religious practices (especially the pagan beliefs) have been abandoned in recent times, but these were practice for millennia before we were even here.  Before OUR "new" beliefs were accepted THIS is what life was.  Were they WRONG? Thousands upon THOUSANDS of years these other religions were practiced.
What makes what I was taught from the time I was a small child the "right" religion.  I KNOW that to question things makes you unpopular but I'm a mother and I don't have a baby to prove it, does that mean I'm not a mother?  I have a grave site that holds the earthly remains of my precious daughter, that is what I have to show.  I can tell people that she existed for a brief 39 weeks, that she was alive.  But I don't have a shred of proof to show someone besides a piece of paper and a grave.  Who is to say that the PROOF that Jesus is the son of God and that the bible is "God's Word" are really proof at all, isn't it completely possible that much like the Harry Potter books that the bible was meant to be a "STORY", not to be taken so seriously.  I mean we don't have a "body" for Jesus we are told that is because he rose from the dead, we don't have any real proof that Jesus really existed.  As a believer this is where your faith is suppose to kick in and my doesn't anymore, I cannot say that the God and Jesus I thought I knew that I worshiped that I taught about was really REAL or was it a figment of someone's imagination, to help us "humans" deal with life and death.  It's a great story, but some days that is what I believe it is a STORY, then I will have days (these are few and far between) that I wonder if I shouldn't have faith and just trust blindly like I'm told to in the bible and all that is in it.  Because more then anything I want to know that my daughter is in a beautiful place like heaven as its described in the bible...But is heaven like what the Jews, Muslims or do the Christians have it right?  I want my daughter to be an angel, I like the thought of her as MY guardian angel, my own flesh and blood watching over me, but then I stop and know she isn't flesh and blood anymore, by now she is a skeleton or close to it.
So we all have a personality, we have a "soul" a spirit of who we are that resides inside of us and makes us who were are the individual, but how individual are we really now a days?  I'm not much different from my peers, we think alike, do the same things like the same stuff.  How is my "soul" different from anybody else really?  Some days I feel like we are all "lemmings" who follow the leader blindly into the sea.  But then if people assert their individuality they are called weird, hippie, gay, biker whatever, they still have a label and they still have a "group" of people they belong to of like minded individuals that think on a collective level.  For instance I have a sister in law that on occasion has blue hair, she doesn't think like I do and we really don't get along well, I think she is weird, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual, she looks at me and probably thinks that I'm so ORDINARY, I'm not eccentric and I follow most of the rules of the society I live in.  I know she LIKES to be different, she LIKES to express her individuality, but frankly I've seen numerous people that have blue hair and are weird and I term them "hippies".  Enough about my sister in law I think you get my point.  Whether you think your an individual and want to express yourself there is a sect of people out there that think just like you, dress like you and do the same things you do, so how individual are you really?
I know this is an extra long post, I had a headache and took some Excedrin so I'm a little wired but full of wonder at different ideas, that if I let myself explore them in writing MAYBE I'll find someone like me. I would like to think that I'm totally different then anybody on the planet but I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only person that is having these ideas, that would be naive and silly to think that way.  I wonder what would happen if I started practicing I don't know Olympian Paganism, you know Zeus, Hera, Posiden, Hades, Athena, Artemis etc...What would happen?  Or maybe Wicca, I could be a witch.  I'm already a bitch so why not try?  But in my case, Christianity is so beat into me that I will find another religion extremely foreign and part of me wouldn't actually BELIEVE in it either.  So being that right now I'm feeling atheist does that mean my daughter is just GONE, that her spirit just extinguished in a blink of an eye?  I find that thought reprehensible, she can't just be completely GONE can she?  Then I think about it and I say with absolute certainty that she is in Heaven with her grandma Maria, her great grandma Angie and great grandpa George and Great Great Grandma Jenkins, and Great Great Grandma Kniffen and every other soul that I knew here and loved here on earth.  That she was my gift to some of the greatest men and women I knew in my life that a piece of me that they wanted so badly is in heaven with them for them to love and raise and watch over.  My GIFT to my Grandparents, my great grandparents and my mother in law who ALWAYS wanted a girl of her own and never lived long enough to see her granddaughters (she ended up so far with 2, she had 3 baby boys).  My love for my grandparents, great grandparent's and mother in law is obvious, my heart was ripped out when I lost my great grandma's even though I was younger, more recently I lost my grandparent's but none of those deaths hit me as hard as my own daughter, THAT one has destroyed the person I thought I was.
As you can see, everything about my life I now question, I question whether I have led the life I wanted to or led the life that was EXPECTED too.  I think THAT is the biggest question of all isn't it?  For ALL of us?  The society I live in expects you to work for the things you have, but is that how I want to live? I again say any other way would be completely deviant from how I was raised.  Think about HOW HARD it would be to completely change how you live, say giving up all the "comforts" of an AMERICAN life, because let's face it there aren't a lot of places in the world that live life like American's, could I give up that life to say live in Africa? Be a hunter/gatherer?  Could I even IMAGINE how hard that life would be to lead? The resounding answer is "HELL NO" I couldn't do it, I couldn't live in a tent and bathe in a river and spend every second of every day hunting and gathering food and water to just survive. I love to camp but could I manage to LIVE in a tent or cave if I was lucky enough to have one of those things either.  I have horrible anxiety when we lose electricity for gods sake.  COULD I live with absolutely nothing like I have now?  Again NO NO NO!  Even changing geography, I went from Michigan to Arizona, my lifestyle there was COMPLETELY different there then it was here.  And that is only 2,000 miles from where I grew up, still in the same country.  Then I think about maybe moving to another country completely, but know that I would be miserable.  My move to Arizona was good for me, it taught me how to be "on my own" and not relying on anybody, but I still was able to talk to family and friends here, I was able to come and visit as often as I could afford.  But what would I do if I lived in a new country?  I have a feeling I would be miserable without the people I love close by.  Because really how horribly expensive is it to fly these days? If I moved to AZ now I would NEVER be able to afford to come home as often as I did back then.  Hell I barely made it when I did come and I nearly ALWAYS had help doing if from my parent's.  See when I have time to think about different things my true ADD comes out.
There are few people and things that I can trust in my life. I trust and love my husband, he is the one thing that makes everything else in life better.  My husband's heart belongs to me, he loves me as much as I love him.  He is my best friend has been for 12 years now, he has been a constant in my life, a rock that I cling too.  I can tell him anything and nearly always he will accept it, if he doesn't he will argue his point and why.  He thinks a lot of my ideas are nuts but that is what makes things fun. He means the world to my small little world and that is what matters most to me. He makes me laugh at myself and keeps me from going off the deep end that more often lately than previously in my life has been so close.  He pulls me off the ceiling and holds me close and I know he will never let me go, he will never lie, never cheat and he will never leave me until he dies.  THAT is LOVE.  My Parent's have stood behind me, carried me, held me and comforted me throughout my life.  I am and always will be a Daddy's Girl and I'm proud of that.  My Dad is the best Dad in the world, I got so lucky to get him when I was created.  He might not have much to say most of the time but when he does talk you better listen.  My Dad has been through HELL, and I truly mean that, he served in Vietnam, he is my hero.  I love my Daddy, I try so hard to please him, to make him see that I'm a "big girl" now and can take care of myself and my small family (my kitties are my children now), that I am the woman he always'd hoped I would be.  I know that there have been times that I didn't live up to expectations, that I made NUMEROUS mistakes, but you know what there was always a lesson that I learned from those mistakes, or at least I've TRIED to learn the appropriate lessons.  My Mom is also the best Mom in the world and one day I hope that my daughter can look up to me and tell me the same things that I'm about to tell my Mom.  Even though I was a teenage girl, that I'm sure once in my life I have said that I wanted a new Mom, I know I couldn't have picked a better Mom for myself.  My Mom after all my childish tantrums, my teenage angst, my twenty-something hardheadedness and my thirty-something whoa's my Mommy has been rock solid, never wavering in her love and support of me.  Never giving up on me when other's might have done so, and always being a sounding board, a confidant a friend now that I'm older but she was always a Mom, the BEST Mom.  I wanted more than anything to follow in my Mom's footprints, I wanted to be just like her, but I know that will never happen.  I am not like her, I look like her, I find myself saying things she does, but my personality is completely different as is I'm sure with every other woman on the planet, we always say we are SO NOT OUR MOTHER, in my case, I wish I was more like my Mom.  I wish I had her patience, I wish I had her grace under pressure, I wish I had her nerve.  I don't, but one day MAYBE I'll pick up those traits in her.  She means so much to me, and the lists of why that is grows longer everyday.  I guess its something to aspire to.  Lastly but certainly not least is my brother.  Thom is a wonderful man, he keeps me grounded I think more then anybody.  He reminds me of who I am and who I hope to become.  Because let's face it as humans we grow until we die, our personality or "spirit" whatever you want to call it.  I love my baby brother, he is gentle and loving and strong.  He is another of my anchors that keeps me here helps me to learn and grow every day.
I'm finally yawning and think I'm ready to go and lay down, if you have made it here to the bottom and you don't hate me or think I'm nuts thanks.  Sweet dreams...

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Going to Visit Baby Noel...

I am going to see Noel in just a little while to take her some flowers a bunny and a pinwheel to celebrate Easter.  However, I still have misgivings about celebrating Easter at all this year.  I am not sure what my beliefs are anymore and I don't know if I want to take these to her in celebration of Easter.  I think I will say for now its to celebrate spring.  Each day has passed so much slower then the one before it lately for me.  A lot of this is because I'm not working right now, and its been hard for me to focus on other things besides losing Noel.  I have been more sad if that is even possible because I know how much I would of enjoyed this break from work if I had my sweet baby girl with me.  I just think about the things I could of done with her.  I think about taking her to see the Easter bunny, going for walks in the neighborhood, showing her the pretty flowers in the garden, I know they would make her smile.  I also know that some of this 'dreaming' maybe getting out of hand.  I am dwelling on things more every day, I am even thinking its a little unhealthy.  I miss Noel every second of every day, and I can't move past that.  I want her here.  I want to see her, to hear her to smell her. I just wish with my whole heart that she was here.  Here with me and her daddy and living and thriving.  I wanted her to experience all that life has to offer and see what she makes of it. My kitten Magellan just came up and gave me some kisses, he knows when I start to slide down the slope to tears he is very good at stopping them from coming.  I will say goodbye for now and write more later

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Angel Babies...

I've been thinking about my Noel much more intensely for the last couple of weeks, I've had difficulty sleeping as you all know because I'm posting so late at night.  THAT is when I start thinking about her the most.  I don't know if its the quiet house or just that night time makes me more introverted and reflective on all things.  Noel is my most precious creation to date.  I miss her so much every day and I wonder how different our (my husband and I) lives would be today if Noel hadn't died.  Its strange to think about these things when you have nothing to compare them to.  I don't know what its like to have a new born baby at home, I mean yes I've taken care of babies when they are little but nothing like the 24/7 care you would give a baby.
I don't know, I keep going over in my mind the information from my time in the hospital that my mom gave me that first night of HUGS.  I have put it all together, what my fragments were, the pictures, and the information from my mom. It doesn't comfort me, quite the opposite really.  Because I know I was broken by life in those few days.  My body was broken open and my soul was decimated.  My baby girl was stolen from me.  Taken before she even had a chance to draw one single breath.  It makes me so mad and angry every second of every day since that I literally feel that some days that I think I'm crazy.  I feel almost like I've been in a horrible nightmare, that I will wake up and I'll still be pregnant and its still September 20th and I'm being a stupid idiot pregnant woman and I'm going to wake up and go straight to the hospital and make sure my girl is okay.  THEN reality hits me, that if I'm in a nightmare this is the longest most awful sleep I've ever had.  I still wake up everyday and go to rub my belly and say good morning to my baby and then it happens again, I realize she is gone seconds after I wake up, I feel like I'm stuck in Groundhogs Day you know that stupid Bill Murray movie.  It happens EVERY DAY, and it makes me want to cry and I fight it and a few minutes pass and I am able to bring the emotions under control, but its every day, every single day.  6 months have passed and I STILL wake up everyday thinking that its the day before I know she died. I'm tired of it but I don't know how to stop it.  I wish I did.  
I'm so very tired tonight, I'm tired of trying to move forward and feel like I'm stuck in quicksand that I can't move. I wish I had some of that medicine to help you sleep at night, I most likely should be on an anti-depressant but John would never agree to allow me to go on one of those.  He doesn't want me to be a zombie or to lose who I am because of the drugs.  I want more then anything to feel normal to be able to feel happiness for more then 5 minutes.  I also know that I won't go on them simply because I am hoping to get pregnant again and there are so many birth defects that are caused from those.  I don't want to worry about my babies health because I can't deal with my feelings.  
I hope that I get the job at the hospital, I need insurance before my husband will allow me to get pregnant again.  He absolutely refuses to allow me to go on Medicade and have a "welfare" baby.  He wants to do things right, part of me agrees with him, but the stronger side of me thinks that he is being ridiculous about the whole thing.  That other people do it, why can't I? I was cleared back in January to get pregnant again by my doctor.  We weren't successful in trying that first month, my ovulation was still a little screwy, so we couldn't predict it as well as I can now.  
I guess I've dumped out all that I can tonight.  I'm very tired now and think that I will go to bed.  Hopefully maybe after writing this I will wake up tomorrow and realize what day it is for real and not put myself through that 5 minutes of craziness.  

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Feeling restless and on edge tonight...

Some nights I get like this.  These are the nights that if I don't drug myself with benedryl or tylenol PM I will wake up screaming or crying.  I do not ever remember the dream I was having but I know it revolves around Noel and losing her.  Normally my dreams are vivid, almost like movies, I used to keep a dream journal, where when I would wake up from a particularly vivid dream I would write it down, because I would find that when I wake up in the morning a dream that was vivid and real in the middle of the night was hard to recall in the light of morning.  I have so many dreams that I've written down but I haven't done this in a long time, usually when I wake up now I know I don't want to remember that dream come the light of day and it will take me so long to fall back to sleep now.
Sometimes my dreams I think are prophetic, I dream about different things and different people all the time.  When I have a dream that I think is telling me something I will write it down, lately the dreams have revolved around my best friends pregnancy, I knew she was having a boy from the day she had her IUI.  I am not saying I'm psychic to be psychic in my mind you have to be able to call on the skill at will.  Mine aren't like that, I can't just tell you something by looking at you.  I have to know you, love you and want to help you...From the time that I was young I dreamed that one day I was going to live in Arizona, I ended up there for a job 9 years ago and stayed 3 years.  I knew that I was going to marry my husband.  I knew that our first child was going to be a little girl.  I always dreamed that in my mid-thirties I was going to die, this did not happen, my daughter was the one that was going to die young.
My most recent dreams are of two little girls with dark brown curly hair and blue eyes wearing pink flowered dresses running through my back yard, they are about 3 or 4 in my dreams. Just little girls, two IDENTICAL little girls. Does this mean I'm going to have twin girls next?  Or is this my next daughter and Noel playing together?  I know my next child will also be a girl, I can't tell you WHY I feel this way I just do.  I have a feeling that I'm going to get pregnant without trying the next time around as well.  There have been days recently that I would swear to you I was pregnant, but then the feeling will pass.  I've take tests and they are negative.  I can't explain much more, I just know that I'm in for a restless night full of crazy dreams.
I hope that I get a call from the hospital tomorrow and am told I have a job.  I want to go back to work now. I've had enough of being home.
Anyway, I'll close and say sweet dreams to all of you, I know that I won't have them and if I do I will just be happy about it.