Thursday, May 3, 2012

Getting the house in order...

I am a horrible procrastinator.  My house currently is embarrassing.  Honestly, I have seen other peoples homes that are in worse condition then my own.  However, I have a reputation of having a VERY clean home. I have slacked horribly on the house work for months, basically I've done the basics, no real deep cleaning, just the surfaces.  SO today and tomorrow are officially being named Waltz Spring Clean Days.  I have left all of this mess to the last possible moments of my forced "vacation."

Now for the reason behind all this mess.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have depression.  It started of course Post Natal.  I am NOT in the minority, a lot of mothers suffer from depression after giving birth.  Mine was just compounded with the fact that my baby died.  I have accepted those things that I cannot change, my daughter cannot come back.  I have accepted that I have no choice but to wait to get pregnant again.  I have accepted that my life will never be the same again.  While I accept that I cannot change my life and the roads I have had to traveled I can TRY my hardest to make the traveling of said roads the best I can.  Which means I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward and stop being stuck.  I have been stuck for nearly 9 months.  I realize that the only person that can save me is me.  Its not my wonderful husband, its not my parent's or my brother and Meghan, its not my friends, its me.  The ONLY person that can change my life is ME.  I have seen what depression can do to a person, and I refuse to be that person, I refuse to be a negative person, I cannot stand dreading what the next day is going to bring.  I don't want to worry anymore, I want to live.  I want to be free, free of this constant worry, free to expand my life.  To have an imagination.

So now that I have taken this time to write out everything I need to get off the computer and put myself to work.

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