I have been invited to two baby showers in the month of April. I'm overjoyed and excited for the new parent's to be, more then I can truly express to them. I am struggling and torn between wanting to attend and KNOWING in my heart that I can't. I WANT to celebrate these new lives with my friends, my heart and my head are at odds with each other today. I care deeply for both sets of parent's and while I sit here and try to explain how I am feeling and share with you its still very difficult for me to get these thoughts out of my head. I was told about the first shower, an old friend (and I do mean old I've known him since birth) is having a new baby with his girlfriend. The other more significant shower is for my best friend. Both couples are expecting baby boys. The showers are on the same weekend one Saturday the other Sunday, I truly wish I had some time in between and not right on top of each other. I want more then anything to attend, but I know that watching baby item after baby item being unwrapped and ohh'd and ahh'd over and the games that will be played will be to much for me to handle. My emotions are still to raw even 6 months after losing my sweet baby girl Noel. I thought that being for boys and not girls that it would be easier for me but I know it won't be, I'm not ready yet. I can't celebrate in the way that I need to for the sake of my friends. I DO NOT want to ruin the shower's by running out of them in tears and making a spectacle of myself. I WANT them to have a day for them and the new precious lives they both carry.
I also know that if I was expecting my second child that it would be easier for me to take but that hasn't happened yet. How do I explain to my best friend who I love like a little sister and need in my life that I can't come to her shower, I feel like the worst friend in the world to her already because I avoid contact, I rarely call her now and keep my contact to face book or some other way that is much too impersonal. I'm not angry at her, just the opposite as a matter of fact but suffering the way I am I do not want to push my feelings onto her. I want her to enjoy her pregnancy and I bite my tongue and try my hardest not to say things to make her feel paranoid, I already know that my next pregnancy will be closely watched by me and my doctors, that I will not have a moment of peace until that baby is outside of me and breathing.
I try everyday to deal with the thoughts in my head, its really loud in there with all the screaming that I do, but I keep it inside as much as I can and the days when I do lose control are so ugly I don't want to think about them. I don't like to share what I say to myself and this is the closest I will get to getting it out there ever. Tomorrow is once again Thursday, my baby girl would be 6 months old. The thought is mind numbing to me. Noel will never be 6 months old, she will never be given the chance to grow and mature because all that was taken away from her. As I sit here crying because that reality just hit me so hard in the face that I won't ever get to see her again. I can only hope that one day soon I can hold another baby in my arms and watch another baby grow and mature, but that baby won't be my little Noel. I miss her so much each and every day. I miss her cuddling up when I began to sing, read or just talk to her, she just knew I was doing these things just for her.
Anyway, I'm going to go now, I can't see to type through the tears and I don't want John to get upset that I'm crying. For now I'll try and laugh at the TV show I am about to watch. Hopefully I can fall asleep without the tears tonight, and wake up tomorrow and hope for the best but be ready for the worst.
~N~
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