Sunday, March 18, 2012

Why is sleep so hard to come by...

I LOVE to sleep.  For awhile now, I have been having extreme difficulty turning my brain off to fall asleep.  When I lay my head down on the pillow my brain goes into hyper drive.  I start thinking about a million different things and I can't stop.  I try reading, warm milk, chamomile tea a warm shower, all the "usual" ways to make oneself tired.  I'm getting to the point where I think I need to start thinking about medicating myself.  I know when I was pregnant with Noel I had so many sleepless nights that my doctor had me start taking 50mgs of Benedryl a night to help me fall asleep.  I am going to go and buy some tomorrow because this is beginning to be ridiculous.  I start wandering the house, picking things up here and there, tonight I found myself in the nursery.  These are the most disturbing nights because now I know I will not fall asleep for hours because I will be thinking about Baby Noel.  I will go back to that place where I start asking the "what if''s".  I won't go into those again, I've already listed all my what if's out in a previous post.  But it doesn't take away the fact that I'm constantly finding myself in this merry go round night after night.  I know a lot of it is I took today off from working in the yard.  All last week I worked in the gardens around the house, I have 6 different plots of plants around my house, so I've been working and working out there all week.  Today I decided because I'm so sore that I needed the day off, I only did a couple of loads of laundry and the dishes.  Now I'm full of what I can only describe as nervous energy.  I would go for a walk but our street doesn't have lights and I'm mostly blind in the dark anymore so I don't feel comfortable going out there at night, not that I live in a bad area, its just slightly rural and its not other people that I am I guess afraid of, its the animals, I have a small fear of racoons and opposums as silly as that sounds I can't help it.  Because It would be MY LUCK (because if I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all) I would be attacked by a rabid racoon or something equally menacing.  So THIS is my outlet, I hope by the time I stop writing that I can go back upstairs crawl back into bed and blissfully fall asleep.  But what will really happen is I will ramble on and on here and then go play FB games unitl my eyes cross and THAN I will fall asleep laptop open in the chair until the baby kitties wake me up trying to suck my neck. 
Noel's Garden is mostly finished, I know I keep saying that but I keep getting items from people that are special to them for me to plant for her.  I am picking up a pink hydrangea from her Grandpa Waltz to put in her garden tomorrow, he has also given me some white and blue iris's to specifically plant in there for her which I did yesterday.  Grandma Connie gave me some cosmos and forget me not seeds that I put in yesterday, I sincerely hope I didn't plant them to early, but again my wonderful luck we will have snow in April.  I want to try and find a statue I can put in as well, I have an idea for it in my mind, and I've seen some I really like but its not exactly right.  I know I'll find it, I just want to make sure that my angel baby has something beautiful in there just for her. 
That's the other thing, I know people keep saying their faith has gotten them through their times of grief.  I have a problem with my faith.  I think I've completely lost it.  I have so much anger towards God, I don't want to believe in heaven and hell.  I want people to shut up about God.  God let me down, I prayed and prayed to him about Noel when I was pregnant and he took her from me.  I'm so sick and tired of people telling me that God loves me, I don't feel the love.  All God did for me was take my baby.  He didn't help her or me when we needed it, he just let her die.  Maybe that is part of what keeps me awake at night, I quit praying to God.  I've given up hope that he is out there.  I just mostly want to think that God is something us humans made up to make us feel better about dying.  We all eventually die.  We all WANT to believe that our spirit goes on but does it?  When you die here on earth does your spirit really go to some everlasting life? I mean that is what christians believe. Right?  So where is the proof? Do we just rely on a book written over 2000 years ago and blindly follow what it says all based on FAITH? There a so many other religions out there, who is right?  I mean the Indian peoples have been practicing Hindu for about 1000 years longer then christians, are THEY right?  The Buddiest, is there such a thing as enlightenment?  They have been around longer then the christians, or is it the Jews that have it right? The muslims?  When you talk about God, Faith, Religion do you really know what your talking about or are you just talking about something you read or was told in your up bringing?  Or are we all just looking for SOMETHING we can have faith in?  It doesn't really exist but we try to make ourselves feel better.  Oh sure I'll say even now that Noel is in heaven but I'm not really sure I believe that anymore.  Because to believe in Heaven says you believe in God.  What happens when there is no heaven and there is no God and your spirit is just gone?  You were alive one day and gone the next, and I mean truly gone, when you stop breathing there is no "spirit" that goes to another world. What if you are reborn?  But then if that happened wouldn't whatever form you took, wouldn't you WANT your family to know you were there?  What if you became a blade of grass?  What if you went from being human to being a tree, wouldn't you want to be close to the family you left behind?  What if your family moved?  Then what? See I'm thinking I might be partially crazy but wouldn't it make sense if all humans who died became a plant, maybe that is why we don't know about what happens when we die.  I have a billion blades of grass in my yard, what if they really were all humans at one point, I know I wouldn't ever cut my grass again if I thought it would FEEL me cutting off its head 1 to 2 times per week.  Anyway, I'm nuts but maybe you aren't, rationally speaking it would freak me out if my grass started communicating with me.  They always say plants grow best when you talk to them, maybe this is why...
See this is the kind of stuff that rattles around in my brain.  I want answers.  I want to know WHY my baby girl was taken away from me.  I want to know WHERE she is now if her spirit is somewhere else.  I've become crazy not even meaning to.  I want to know what happens to a person's spirit if we have one, I want to see and know and touch if for myself.  For me now all this faith stuff just isn't cutting it.  I want to know where we all go when we die.  I want to experience for myself.  Not saying that I want to die to find out, but I want to know so I can share it with other people.  So I can tell them EXACTLY what happens.  I cannot believe in something that isn't tangible for me. I can't blindly keep on believing in something anymore.  So until God or whatever "all powerful being" contacts me personally and gives me some answers I think I'll just keep on wondering.  I highly doubt I'll be "talked to" by anything.  I doubt that I'm that important.  Maybe I do need meds, because I really do sound like a crack pot.  But such is the day today.  I am now yawning so I guess I'll go back upstairs and try this whole sleep thing again and see how it works out. 
Have a nice night, I'm sorry if I have offended anybody, remember this is just my personal thoughts.

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