Monday, March 12, 2012

To sleep or not to sleep...

Tonight, once again I'm awake at 1am.  I went to bed at 11:30, read a little of my book, fell asleep while reading said book and woke up for a brief moment to put the book down and turn off the light.  Oh yeah, baby Magellan thought it was the right time to jump into bed with mommy and proceed to be vampire kitten.  He has this deal and it happens every single night, that when I light goes off he comes into bed with me and begins trying to suck my neck, my face or any other crevice he can get himself into.  This of course wakes me up because its such a weird feeling.  I know he needs reassurances that I'm there and that I love him.  That I'm mommy and he just needs to be close, but I need to sleep and I can't do that if I'm constantly pushing a kitten off my neck. 
Now I'm awake and that's not a good thing for me.  This is the time of night that I start thinking about Noel the most, when the whole house is sleeping and its finally quiet, there aren't any kittens that need looking after and no husband to ask me to find this or get that or where is that thing he was looking for.  I'm alone with my own thoughts and my thoughts drive me insane most of the time.  I wonder how different our lives would be at this moment if Noel was asleep up in her crib.  How would she be?  During my pregnancy night time was when she was most active, when I would lay down to sleep after a long day she would remind me very forcefully that she was there.  Night time was when I would talk to her, I would read to her and I would sing softly to her.  It was our time. But really most nights I would read for about 30 mins before I would just pass out from exhaustion.  Somehow she knew when my voice would change, as I began to read slower she somehow knew that it was time to settle down and relax.  I remember that last night, I had been to my mom's 2 times that day to take bath's because I was so sore and I couldn't move and it was the only way to relax ME, but I know she liked to go in the tub.  I went to my parent's almost every day the last couple of weeks I was pregnant to take a bath and my dad would laugh and ask me if I was there to drown the baby again.  Bath time was relaxation time for both of us, when bath time was over it was easiest to sleep because I was relaxed and so was she.  I know she loved bath time and I think I went over as much for her as I did for myself.  I loved to sit in the tub and watch her shift positions and watch my entire stomach move, it was an odd feeling but it was also odd to watch.
I guess I'm talking about bath time because I just went over this evening to have a bath, my period decided to start a couple of days early and my cramps got the best of me today.  This morning I had no idea it was coming.  Its still a bit of a shock to me when I start my period, because through your whole pregnancy you dread any kind of bleeding and it became second nature to me to watch out for it.  I realize that I am not pregnant any longer, I'm not completely crazy, but when you don't have your child you pause for a moment, remember and then go forward, its that moment that I pause when I realize I'm bleeding that first day.  Its a weird feeling, my heart makes a slight jump and my instant response is to go to the hospital and then within that same second I remember again that I'm not pregnant and I don't have to do anything but find the tampons and the midol.  The second thought is that we were unsuccessful in conceiving again this month.  I have only been able to TRY for 2 cycles now, but with the loss of my job we STOPPED trying this month, we don't have insurance and I want to secure another job before I get pregnant again.  I guess really next month we will be able to try again if all the paperwork goes through at McLaren and I am just waiting to hear when I need to go in and do my physical and drug screen.  But I really hate that we had to take this last month off.  More than anything in the world I want to get pregnant again, I'm scared as hell about it, but its what I want most.  I just want to get on with it so I can start going to the doc and seeing the ultrasounds and hearing the babies heartbeat.  That was my favorite part of my doctor appointments, when they put that think up to my belly and I could hear Noel and KNOW she was okay.  I swear my next pregnancy I will have one of those prenatal monitors straped to me at all times with one of the ear plugs always attached so I can hear a heartbeat at all times.  Losing Noel like we did I can't risk anything and if I can hear my baby all the time then I will know that he or she is okay.  I can't ask the what if's anymore, I can't ask what if I had one of those that day/night before I went into the hospital.  I know that if her heart stopped beating there wouldn't have been anyway to save her even then, I know now that there is only 6 minutes from the time that the heart stops to death.  But I wonder sometimes if I had one would I have heard something that would of made me go to the hospital earlier.  If there would of been something to indicate there was a problem.  This is what torments me, I keep going back to the what if's and it really drives me crazy.  But I promise, my first purchase the day I find out I'm pregnant will be a prenatal monitor, I will find the money to get one, in fact I might even buy one BEFORE I KNOW ANYTHING to make damn sure I have it.  To me, that is the one thing I have GOT to absolutely have.  I need to go to bed. 

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