Saturday, March 31, 2012

Thinking about different things...

We had a scare this weekend with our Orange Kitty.  He began urinating blood.  Orange Kitty is my husbands cat.  He has lived with us since we were married 2 1/2 years ago, so I have come to love him as well even though we got off to a pretty rocky start.  Orange Kitty used to pee on me when I would stay the night at his parent's house, he did this not once, not even twice but three times...He has also pee'd on me here in our own house 2 times.  So this cat whom I love dearly has literally pee'd on me 5 times in the 12 years I have known him.  John is his Daddy and he doesn't like it if I take up his space on the bed.  Anyway, long story short, we are not yet out of the woods with his health.  He has to go back to the vet next week for another urine test because of the crystals in his urine for the original tests.  So I have had to face the realization that we may lose our big kitty.  I do not want to think about it, but I have no choice.  This house would feel empty without him here.  I know we have the babies, and the babies are a handful, but I NEED the Orange Kitty to help me with them.  He literally trains them just as much has John and I do and more because he actually knows what they are thinking.  I wanted him to take them outside and show them around their yard when they are old enough.  That and they absolutely love their new Kitty Daddy.  Orange Kitty will give the babies baths when they are dirty and swat them when they misbehave.  It is a unique situation we have and I do not what the balance upset.  I will not take a death well be it animal or person at this time in my life.  I've had enough of death.  I know that death is a part of life and that inevitably orange kitty will die.  I do not want that to happen anytime soon.  I would lose it completely.  I love Orange Kitty as much as I love my babies.

The other item I've been dwelling on for almost a week now is my best friends baby shower.  I have told her my misgivings about attending the shower.  I want to go, I really do.  But I also know that if I do go that I will most likely start crying and not be able to stay for the whole shower.  I do not want to ruin the shower for her because I can't control my emotions.  That is my fear.  I know that most Mom's like me feel this aversion to baby showers.  I also know that if I was currently expecting myself that it would be easier for me to go.

But that obviously hasn't happened and until I get a job again my husband refuses to even try.  I have NEVER been more frustrated in my life.  I wish he would just let us try there are programs out there for pregnant mothers who are unemployed.  While I KNOW that its not the RIGHT way to do things I don't care.  I just want a chance to have a baby.  I've waited long enough, I've had to wait my entire life for everything I have.  I had to wait until I was 34 to get married.  I had to wait until I was nearly 36 to get pregnant the first time only to have my baby die 2 days before she was born.  I don't understand.  I don't get why I can't have what I want when I want it. I feel like I've got this cloud over me all the time.  I'm so frustrated with him that I want to scream.  I just don't understand why he feels like he has to always do everything right, or the RIGHT he has in his head.

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