I met a group of wonderful ladies tonight at my first HUGS group meeting. I learned that I'm not alone in this world I now find myself. I'm sad and happy all at the same time because I now know that my feelings of anger and retreat are not only mine. I feel complete relief in this small thing because those are the most powerful feelings that I have. And I thank all of them for listening to my story, for hearing me and for the support that I have despreately needed.
My mom went to the meeting with me, she is my rock and I know she will always be with me in any moment of need that I have. I know that my first 48 hours in the hospital when I had Noel are a blur, I do not remember a lot of what happened, and until tonight I don't think I wanted to. She did bring up something that upset her and I know what she means because it upsets me as well. Part of me feels a need to explain this to not only her, but to myself, the reasoning behind why I changed the babies name from Maria Isabella to Noel Mary. My husbands mother's name was Maria, she died in 2005 and I made a promise to John before we were married that our first daughter would have her first name. Why I changed my babies name to Noel Mary was not as unselfish as I would like people to believe, I didn't want to have John, his father and his brothers to have to bury another Maria Waltz, and THAT is the reason I give most everybody. WHY I named Noel, well NOEL is because I'm selfish and I wanted MY DAUGHTER to be named after me, Noel and Natalie mean the exact same thing "Born on Christmas Day" Mary is MY middle name. NO ONE on this planet knew my daughter like I did. When it comes right down to it, if Noel had not been stillborn I would of probably named her exactly like I did. When I looked at her I knew that I made the right choice, she was a perfect little clone of ME, I have my pictures of her and I have my baby pictures now and last week I compared them, she looks EXACTLY like me. From her chubby little cheeks right down to her perfect little nose. In turn I look exactly like my own mother. I understand that some people still won't understand but at that moment when I really thought about it, the name came to me. My parent's almost named ME Noel. Regardless, my daughter and I have names that are alike, that have the same root meaning and that is what is important to me.
So now that I've "come clean" about that I want to move on.
I have another issue that I want to write about tonight and its something my husband asked of me. I don't realize how much of my anger is directed at him. Even when I'm not angry with him whatever it is that has pissed me off he is the one that has to hear about it. He is the one that all the negative energy bounces off of even when its not really his fault whatever happened happened. I do NOT mean to do this, and it upsets me that I make him feel like he is the one I'm angry at. Does he piss me off, absolutely, he is a MAN and sometimes he does or says something really stupid. But I cannot keep sounding off to him like I do, but I don't know how to keep my mouth shut when I'm mad. I need to work on how to walk away and go do something, at this point I feel like I'm pushing him beyond what is normal. So I am going to try really really hard NOT to be mad and tell him all about it if doesn't involve him. Moving on...
The kittens are getting so big, they are more like teenagers now then babies. They are showing signs of becoming more independant, Mini Me is exhibiting this much more then Magellan but Mini will come when he is called to give me kitten kisses still. Magellan has been trying to act like he doesn't need Mommy anymore but he still insists on being a vampire kitten and trying to suck on my neck. Magellan also has a "Mommy is Mine" thing going on as well. He will push Mini off of me when he tries to get to close. I love my babies and am so happy they came into my life when they did, they make me feel needed and wanted and I can "mother" them when I need to feel that closeness.
I guess that is really all my random thoughts for the night, I'm not really tired but think I need to spend some time with John and make him feel loved. Good Night!