Thursday's are NEVER a good day for me. 8 weeks ago today Noel was born.
The problem with Thursday is that I remember all the pain I went through that day, I remember pushing and trying so hard to give birth to my baby girl that no longer was alive. I remember the moment the doctors called for the c-section because I was in such excruitating pain and was begging them to take the baby out. Even at that time they didn't know how stuck little Noel's head was in my pelvis. There is a part of me that knows absolutley had things gone differently that my little girl would of most likely had cerebral palsey because of the circumstances resulting from her birth. To look at me you would NEVER for a minute think that my pelvis was to small for an 8lb 10oz little girl, but it is. The last 4 weeks of my pregnancy I was in constant pain, my whole pelvis constantly hurt because the baby was to big for me. But back to what I said before, I know that had Noel been born something would have been wrong, she was so stuck the doctor had to go back through the birth canal and push her out of the incision for the c-section. There is absolutely no comfort for me even knowing this small piece of information. It doesn't matter if something would of been wrong with her I would of loved her anyway. But I also know her quality of life wouldn't have been what her Daddy and I wanted for her. Knowing all of this doesn't fix the hurt of not having her, sometimes it actually hurts more because we have wondered if that is why God did take her. Regardless, my husband and I can't continue with the what if's, it makes us crazy. You have to be strong to move forward, to let go of the what if's and move on. Writing this blog is my way of getting all that I am thinking and feeling out, even if no body in the whole world reads it, it helps me to express myself in a way that isn't easy for me at all. I am one of those people who doesn't open up to strangers, I keep my business to myself and try and stay out of other peoples affairs. But there is a time when you do have to open up. You have to release the deamons inside you so you can allow yourself to heal. This blog allows me to do that.
I had a co-worker and I am going to most likely screw up what she said but it was something like this:
Whatever the worst that has happened to you, is the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to you as a person. We all have one friend that tries to "one up" us. That whatever happened to them was WAY worse then what happened to you. Its all perspective and how you view your world. What happened to my husband and myself to me is the worst possible thing that could ever happen or will ever happen in our lives. I pray that this is in fact the worst because I don't know how much more I could possibly take. But who knows, and that my friends is the key, you can think and preceive that the worst has happened but don't get to comfortable because its very possible that something more is on the horizon and you have to stay ready for it and remain strong. I guess that is the end of my advice and my random thoughts for today.