Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I Give, What's NEXT?!

You can try all you can and you can't forget the horrible things that have happened in your life.  Over time wounds heal, memories fade but when does this happen?  When does the sharp hurt dull into an ache?  I can tell you that I have suffered heartache in the past, a year ago last May I lost my grandmother, they say when you suffer a new loss it dredges up the old hurt the old pain.  Losing my grandmother after watching her for years suffer with Alzheimers was a sharp pain, it was the first time I lost someone close to me and I did not handle it well.  In fact I still cry when I pass by the cemetary where she is buried, its like my heart knows that someone in that manicured place with its beautiful setting belongs to me.  I try very hard not to go that way anymore, because I can't handle the tears, I can't handle the ache in my heart.
Now flash forward to the here and now.  My daughter is also in a cemetary, she has a spot in what is called "BabyLand".  Her grave is under a small tree and she is surrounded by other infants and toddlers that may not have died how she did but none the less their lives were cut short.  There are so many tiny graves in BabyLand, I know I'm not alone in the loss of my infant daughter, there are so many other parent's out there who have had to bury babies that for one reason or another were to good to stay here on earth.  I know their pain and how they suffer daily, just as I do, aching to hold the baby that no longer is here with us.
I can't speak for all people who have lost a child, I can only really speak for myself.  I ache everyday to hold Noel, to coo at her, to watch her grow, on Thursday this week she would of been 2 months old.  Thursday's are never a good day for me, I remember back every week to the day when she was born, I can't forget that day.  I can't forget the sharpness of the pain in my heart of not having her with me, with us.  I can't forget her little body in my arms and looking at her, seeing so much of myself in her features, seeing her Daddy's beautiful dark hair on her head, her little hand in mine.  Most new Mom's will tell you they don't remember the pain of Labor, I cannot forget.  I don't have that precious baby to look at to make all that pain go away.  I have to live everyday with my broken and beat up heart.  I want to know when does it stop hurting like this, when can I think about her and not want to cry for hours, rock her blanket, when will the sharp pain turn into the dull ache? When will my heart that was shattered be kind of put back together?  I don't ever expect my heart to be completely healed, I know that with time it will be put back together into something that you would recognize as a heart, but for now I need to keep my head up, to keep living and never give up, I owe that to my daughter, we both do John and I.  We owe it to her to keep her alive in our hearts, to live our lives just as if she was here with us. 
In a very short amount of time I intend on getting pregnant again, the "Experts" say that parent's who have suffered this kind of loss often push to get pregnant again to try for another baby.  Obviously, John and I are just waiting until we get the all clear from our OB/GYN.  The issue with us is that I am in that "Mature Maternal" category, we have limited time to have a baby or two.  If Noel had lived our plan was to give her a brother or a sister within a year anyway.  The doctor has told us we can start trying to conceive in February as long as the ultrasound she is going to do in January shows my incision and fibroids to be all good.  She has a plan in place for the next pregnancy, we can only pray that it results in a healthy happy baby. 
I believe with my whole being that once we are confirmed pregnant and get through that first 12 weeks my heart will start to heal.  I'll start to have hope that we can be parent's to a living breathing little human being.  The next baby as I have said before can NEVER replace Noel, she will always be our first child.  I just know that once it starts all over again I can move forward in my healing process, that I will be able to be even stronger then what I have been.

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