I can't get pregnant again until the end of January. In a way this depresses me more then I want to think about or really even talk about. My best friend I love her dearly she has always been there for me through thick and thin just found out that she is pregnant. I DO NOT begrudge her a child of her own, I want to make that perfectly clear. Honestly they have been trying to get pregnant longer then my husband and I. My friend had to go through fertility treatments and IUI's to get pregnant, they have been trying for well over a year. I feel a little bit jealous that she is pregnant now and I have to wait until she is almost half way through before I can even START trying. We think that its neat that our kids will be close in age, my Noel would of been almost a year older had she lived.
I am sad that I have this feeling of jealousy, I don't like feeling that way but I also cannot help it, I can't stop it so I have to roll with it and not let her even for a second think that I'm not blissfully happy for her. I KNOW she has wanted a baby for years and she finally has her shot, just because my first baby died doesn't mean I don't understand her. I just wish I had an all clear to start trying NOW. I realize that I have to wait, that its healthy for me to wait both mentally and physically, but it makes me mad that I even have to go through all of this. Its completely upsetting.
I am working on my anger management issues that I apparently have developed, I never used to bite peoples heads off but its becoming more and more common for me to go off and then feel horrible later. That isn't me and I think most people know that its not me talking but I'm sick of apologizing so I try and hold things back. Sometimes I wish I could just tell people EXACTLY what I think of them and where they can go and how they can get there. But then I wouldn't have my job, my family or my friends...
I know that once February/March comes around and I can start trying to conceive again that I'll feel better. I know that once its confirmed that I'm pregnant all the negative feelings I have will leave me. I just pray that we are able to get pregnant as quickly the second time around.