Monday, November 14, 2011

Coming Up for Air

I'm creating this blog, to purge my soul of the heartache of losing my precious daughter Noel.  I have been on and looked at many other blogs out there and none seem to fit me, but then how can you expect something you didn't create to fit you exactly.  I need to talk about the loss of my child but I want to do it under my own terms.  I want to express my feelings in a way that is to my liking NOT what the world at large thinks.  I don't know if anybody will ever read this, and if you do and you take something away with you then I hope its something good.  What happened to Noel was tragic and her daddy and I have been dealing with the loss as best we can.  This is our story, if your story is similar and you want to add something PLEASE do.  I don't ask for advice, I ask that you read, you understand and maybe what I have to say will help, maybe it won't but then again if you don't read and you pass it by you could miss something that might help you in your struggle to cope with the death of your child.  I will never judge you and you can yell here and scream because I will tell you, I have my days when all I want to do is yell and scream and cry and hit something, anything to take out my frustration at being a mom without my baby.  But I promised you a story so let's start at the beginning....
I am 36 years old, my husband of 2 years is 34.  We have been together for a long time and he decided 3 years ago to make an honest woman out of me.  John is my best friend, he has been for almost 12 years now.  We share everything and can hide nothing from each other.  We are very much in love still and when we found out on January 14, 2011 that we were going to be parent's after only trying for a couple of months to conceive we were elated.  My pregnancy was okay as far as they go, until the last 4 weeks or so.  I had a very active baby girl in there and she was always on the move.  She loved to listen to me talk and when I did start talking she would move up in my belly just to be closer to my voice.  She would literally dance when a good song came on the radio, she had a knack for kicking or punching the beat out, my doctor thought this was me being CRAZY until she actually felt it for herself on a regular OB visit in the summer. 
Basically I went through the hottest part of the year here in Michigan with a huge baby inside of me, was I miserable, yes but only when I wasn't in air conditioning which thank god I have at home, at work and in the car.  Noel was a big baby, I'm not a small girl so it seemed to balance out that I would naturally have a larger baby, THEN we found out I had gestational diabetes, as you can imagine I was petrified.  However, I was able to manage my blood sugar to near perfection about 3 weeks after I found out that I had a sugar problem, and this didn't overly effect my daughters size or health.  About 4 weeks before my due date my doctor decided that I needed to be at home and on marginal bedrest due to a slight increase in my blood pressure. 
My doctor decided on Sept 16, 2011 to induce me, she set me up for the following Wednesday at the hospital for the induction to begin at 9pm, WE didn't make it to that appointment.  I woke up that Wednesday morning and felt a gush of fluid, my mucus plug had disentegrated sometime during the night, I THOUGHT it was my water breaking.  As you can imagine, my husband and I were in a serious state of excitement as we threw the bags and the new car seat into the car and drove up to the hospital. 
When we arrived at the hospital and went through the registration process we still had no idea that anything could possibly be wrong, we were just to happy and full of hope to even THINK something was wrong.  As I stated before I had an active big baby in there just waiting to be born.  The nurse showed me to the triage room and advised me to get undressed and put on the hospital gown.  I did, then she came back and started to hook me up to the monitors.  Now we were really getting somewhere.  If you do not want to read what happened next please stop reading now, this is where the story gets very sad. 
The nurse attempted to hook the monitor up to find the fetal heartbeat.  She couldn't seem to locate it.  She went for another nurse and then finally a resident.  NO one could find my sweet babies heartbeat.  They brought in an ultrasound and the picture and the information turned out to be the worst news my husband and I will ever receive.  Noel had died.  John realized the awlful truth about a minute before it registered in my brain.  HOW could a baby that the previous night had been kicking and ALIVE all of a sudden be dead?  HOW could this happen?  The one and ONLY outcome we were not prepared for, had NEVER even discussed had happened.  Our daughter died only about 24 hours before she was to be born.  John and I never thought for a second that the active, moving, thumping, baby in my belly could die before she even had a chance to live.  This is now our living nightmare, our reality, and our heart break and pain. 
The hand we were dealt by the powers that be was not one we would of gambled on.  While some say God has a plan, that she is with God, that she is happy and not in pain, that she doesn't have to deal with the bullshift life throws at you daily.  You know what I say to that?  She was MINE, I don't care what plan there is or that she is with the almighty, or that she will never experience pain and heart ache.  I want her here with me, she was my life, we gave her life because we wanted her, we wanted to share all we have with her and raise her to be a wonderful, vibrant child.  I don't care that some PLAN took her from me...Then I sit back and realize that maybe I'm a selfish person, that she is better off, but then I get made and angry again and I want to scream. 
Our daughter was taken from us by a cord accident, her umbilical cord was tied into a knot, a TRUE KNOT is a rare occurance in a normal and healthy pregnancy.  The doctors and nurses told us that once a knot is tightened and blood and oxygen are cut off from the baby, they have 6 minutes that they live.  Even if we had been at the hospital the result would of been the same, they wouldn't have been able to save our daughter. 
Well we now knew what we were up against, I wanted to do a vaginal delivery, because I wouldn't have to wait forever to get pregnant again, that after a couple of months we could do it all over again.  Of course that is NOT how it went, after almost 24 hours of waiting for my cervix to fully dialate, nearly 2 hours of hard labor and pushing, I ended up having to have a c-section.  What is worse is even after I was opened up, Noel's head was so wedged in my pelvis that she would NEVER have been able to be born vaginally.  My doctor had to her head back through the birth canal to get her out of the incision.  NO one would ever guess (because of my size) that I would of had this kind of experience giving birth but I did, and worst of all I don't have my baby to show for all the pain I had to go through to have her. 
My husband and I are very optimistic people by nature, neither of us dwell in the past much, we don't necessarily over plan our future, we live in the here and now.  I am never going to tell you that John and I are healed.  I don't think we will ever truly heal from this.  However, I can tell you that we have moved into a better place with each other, we talk about our feelings we talk about the emptiness we both feel.  But we also talk about the future, that we are going to try again for a baby in a couple short months.  That we have every intention of trying it again and hoping for a different outcome.  No other baby will take Noel's place, she is/was our first child, our other children will know about her.  I will make sure of it.  I have to try again, I have a deep need to be a Mom, to have a child of my own.  I know that life doesn't always turn out how you envision it, believe me I do know.  But when I do find myself going to a place that is dark inside my head I can somehow someway pull myself back and re-evaluate the thoughts and NOT go there, never, you can't you have to pick up your head, you have to go on. 

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