Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Waiting For the Storm to Pass

Have you ever been stuck in one of those horrific thunder storms, the wind is blowing at 50mph the rain is falling so hard that if you were to walk out into it the force of it would actually hurt you?  The air itself feels alive with the charge that the lightening is giving it.  Then you lose your electricity and regardless of if you have flashlights and candles you are stuck in a house with little light, no heat and it just plain blows.  You wait for the storm to blow itself out, call the electric company and pray that the heat comes on soon because otherwise you feel like your going to freeze. 
When you lose an infant child that you have nurtured for 10 months, I have no idea why everyone still calls it 9 months, but anyway, this baby you are caring for in your belly becomes your world.  Everything you eat, do, say, go everything, the baby goes with you.  You connect to the precious cargo you are carrying.  I still find myself talking to my daughter when I'm in my office by myself, in the car driving alone or when I'm trying to fall asleep at night.  She was with me for so long, and I feel like I KNEW what she was feeling.  I knew that when she moved a certain way she was listening to me, or cuddling up or sleeping.  You KNOW these things because you are so connected to the child.  When it was confirmed that my daughter had died my world erupted, everything I had been doing for months was for naught, my daughter didn't make it.  When a mother does EVERYTHING right and the end result is what happened to me the biggest question your going to continually ask is WHY?
I can tell you all right now, you will never get the answer to WHY?  In our case, as in MANY others our baby girl was perfectly healthy, she had absolutely NOTHING wrong with her.  There are parent's whose child has an abnormality of some sort, and the doctors tell you that that is the reason the baby died.  In most cases like ours, there is no answer to the question of why.  We had all the tests run on Noel, in all accounts she was a healthy baby, she had a cord knot and that is what led to her death.  I will never understand why my babies cord was in a knot or why she died just a few days before her due date.  I will never get the answer to my WHY? All they can tell me is that it was an accident, a cord accident.  I have to be honest, it makes me want to hate everything and everybody because of the circumstances I find myself now.

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