Monday, November 21, 2011

The Beginning of Another Week...

I know that we are getting into the holiday season, but I can't seem to shake the funk that I'm in to even try and get excited for it.  Christmas time has been for my whole life my favorite time of year.  This year things seem different, totally off and I can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm I felt just last year for the holiday.  I guess I keep thinking that this would of been Noel's first Thanksgiving and Christmas and we don't have her here to share it with us.  She was conceived during the holidays last year, we know that and I think that is what is effecting me so dramatically this year.  I wish my little bundle of joy could be here to share the season with us.  People say she is never far from us, and I know she isn't I just wish that she was here to share in the joy of Christmas for the first time.  I guess that I will have to get over these feelings, put on the happy face and try and enjoy my family and friends this time of year but its going to be so hard.  I am at work thinking about starting to decorate for the season, but again something is stopping me, I just can't get the energy of will to make it all come together. 

There are days that I think about what I am doing, like today I am at work, its slow today so I have a few extra minutes to get some of my thoughts out before they make my brain explode.  I think about how my day would of started, would Noel have been fussy this morning when Grandma got to the house to watch her?  Would she miss me all day while I was at work?  How weird it is for me to think these things as there is no precedent, Noel was our first child, we have no idea what it is to be parent's, but we weren't even given a chance to try it out.  I just wonder how different our lives would be today had she made it, had everything not gone so ridiculously wrong.  I guess I will have to wait another year before I get to even think about these feelings.  I believe that our next baby will be born sometime next year right about now, if all goes well.  97% of parent's that have had a cord accident like ours end up having healthy and happy babies the next time around.  They don't tell you about the other 3% do they?  What happens if I'm in that 3% next time around, I have got to be honest, it scares the hell out of me.  Granted I completely intend on doing a few things differently this time around.  Through my last pregnancy I drank 2 cups of coffee everyday, of course this didn't cause my daughters death but it did make her a more active baby.  I want the worlds calmest baby, one that doesn't do cartwheels in my belly for months like Noel did.  God knows that I want to do everything right, to insure my childs safety.  Do I blame myself for Noel's death, yes there is a part of me that wonders if I stayed away from the coffee, didn't have those couple of soda's (I think I only drank 1 a week) or did I use to much sugar.  Did I make her to active.  Was it my actions that led to her cord being tied in that knot?  All these things fly through my head daily, I do essentially blame myself I can't help it and most mothers can't. 

I just wish I could get through this time period of mourning and move on to a better place.  One where I'm okay with my world again.  Something tells me things are never going to feel right again, there is always going to be one piece of my puzzle always missing.  She will not be able to ever fill in her space again.  I just pray that next time around things will be different.  That we will have a living, breathing, healthy baby in a year.  That we will be able to make it through the pregnancy with no hang ups and nothing wrong.  I don't know, I just pray that we can do it.  I think I'm more worried about the "getting pregnant" then the actual pregnancy.  Some women after c-section have a difficult time, I really hope this doesn't happen to us.  But I guess whatever hand we are dealt again we will just have to play it out and see what happens next.  No one can tell the future and if they say they can they are lying to you.  I guess you just have to take each card dealt and deal with it the best way you can.

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