Sunday, April 1, 2012

Feeling restless and on edge tonight...

Some nights I get like this.  These are the nights that if I don't drug myself with benedryl or tylenol PM I will wake up screaming or crying.  I do not ever remember the dream I was having but I know it revolves around Noel and losing her.  Normally my dreams are vivid, almost like movies, I used to keep a dream journal, where when I would wake up from a particularly vivid dream I would write it down, because I would find that when I wake up in the morning a dream that was vivid and real in the middle of the night was hard to recall in the light of morning.  I have so many dreams that I've written down but I haven't done this in a long time, usually when I wake up now I know I don't want to remember that dream come the light of day and it will take me so long to fall back to sleep now.
Sometimes my dreams I think are prophetic, I dream about different things and different people all the time.  When I have a dream that I think is telling me something I will write it down, lately the dreams have revolved around my best friends pregnancy, I knew she was having a boy from the day she had her IUI.  I am not saying I'm psychic to be psychic in my mind you have to be able to call on the skill at will.  Mine aren't like that, I can't just tell you something by looking at you.  I have to know you, love you and want to help you...From the time that I was young I dreamed that one day I was going to live in Arizona, I ended up there for a job 9 years ago and stayed 3 years.  I knew that I was going to marry my husband.  I knew that our first child was going to be a little girl.  I always dreamed that in my mid-thirties I was going to die, this did not happen, my daughter was the one that was going to die young.
My most recent dreams are of two little girls with dark brown curly hair and blue eyes wearing pink flowered dresses running through my back yard, they are about 3 or 4 in my dreams. Just little girls, two IDENTICAL little girls. Does this mean I'm going to have twin girls next?  Or is this my next daughter and Noel playing together?  I know my next child will also be a girl, I can't tell you WHY I feel this way I just do.  I have a feeling that I'm going to get pregnant without trying the next time around as well.  There have been days recently that I would swear to you I was pregnant, but then the feeling will pass.  I've take tests and they are negative.  I can't explain much more, I just know that I'm in for a restless night full of crazy dreams.
I hope that I get a call from the hospital tomorrow and am told I have a job.  I want to go back to work now. I've had enough of being home.
Anyway, I'll close and say sweet dreams to all of you, I know that I won't have them and if I do I will just be happy about it.

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