Noel's Garden

"If love could of spared you you would live forever"
This is the stone my cousin and friend Marianne gave to me shortly after I came home from the hospital after having my little girl Noel.  This stone has her name and birthdate engraved on it as well as the above quotation.  I worked in baby Noel's garden today and I am thinking of my little girl and where she would be in her development today.  It isn't difficult to know almost exactly where she would be.  I have a friend whose little girl was born only a few days before my precious Noel.  I see pictures of her about every other day on facebook and those pictures to me are very bitter sweet.  I can see where Noel would of been had she had a chance at life. 
Today really wasn't anything special, it was just really our first nice day here in Michigan for early spring.  There were not any triggers that set me into thinking about Noel or aching to hold her or to kiss her or just to see her with my own eyes.  It was a day just like any other.  However, I know that she would have been outside with her Daddy and me working in the yard.  Its only hard because she isn't here, and she can't be.  I wish every moment of everyday that Noel was here with us.  Where she belongs. 
John and I are getting ready to try again for baby #2.  I just secured a new position and will hopefully start work within the next week or so.  We were cleared in January to begin again, but I lost my job and we had to put those plans on hold so we could make sure we were covered under insurance.  The decision to begin again has not been an easy one.  While more than anything I want to have a baby of my own, I feel guilty.  I feel as if I'm attempting to replace Noel with another baby.
I have two kittens now that I brought home on Jan 2.  They are the sweetest twin little boys that I have ever had.  They seem to know exactly when Mommy needs some extra love, they know when my mood changes and I start to sink into the ever present depression.  I try everyday to fight through it, but the fighting is starting to tire me out, I find myself losing control and acting out a lot lately.  Mostly its anger that comes out, I will get mad about something and will dwell on it until I blow a simply problem out of proportion.  My parent's and husband want me to begin attending a special group for mother's like me.  Mother's who have had the devastating loss of their newborn.  I have joined the FB page and am already communicating with other members.  I do look forward to the first meeting where I can see these women face to face and put their stories with their faces.  I am trying very hard not to lose control but as I said it takes a lot of effort for me to do so and when I don't keep a firm grip I do lose it.  This issue I know is normal, it happens to most people that have been through a loss like mine, but I don't like losing control, I don't like how it makes me feel.  I want it all to stop.  I want my craziness to go away.  I feel that if anybody but my family see's me lose it that I will lose my friends.  That they won't want to deal with someone like me, that I'm "Poor Natalie".  I really HATE when I look at someone and I see that in their eyes.  I also find myself turning inwards, not wanting to make new friends and not really trying to keep the friends that I do have.  I have been pushing people away from me, not accepting peoples help.  Not letting anybody in, because I swear if I did let them in and they really saw the mess that I was in that they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I have become suicidal at times, well since I'm being honest I feel suicidal most of the time, I just don't have anybody close to me that understands me anymore.  The only thing lately that has kept me going are John and the kittens.  I know that my husband wouldn't make it without me.  He is the one person that went through and shared most of my emotions through the last few months.  There are few emotions that I have that he doesn't share.  However, I obviously have so many more homones than he does.  My brain doesn't work like his does.  I believe that anti-depressents would help me, however I cannot risk the side effects that they could have on my next pregnancy.  There are so many birth defects that they are linked to I cannot take a chance.  Time is NOT on my side at this point in my life, In a few short weeks I will be 37 and ALL my risks go up again with another year added to my age.  Its scary enough for me to commit to another pregnancy, to go through the morning sickness and aching pelvis that by week 30 will be excrutiatingly painful.  To the point that I will not be able to get out of my bed some days.  I suffered terribly through my pregnancy with Noel, and look what it got me.  NOTHING.  I have a few pictures a foot print and a lock of my daughters hair.  I am thankful that I CAN have another baby, but I'm so afraid of what might happen that part of me doesn't even want to try.  Obviously the larger, saner part of me wants to have another baby, my husband wants another baby and my family wants me to have another baby.  Most importantly my desire to be a mom drives me. 
I have a lot more work to do in Noels' Garden, I want to find a bench that I can put in it where I can sit, I need to find a shepards hook for the dragonfly iron sculptur my mom found for me to go into it to hang from.  I want to find a couple more butterfly bushes to go into it as well.  there are also a few more flowers I want to put in it as well.  Stargazer Lillies, some petunias, and pansy's.  I look forward to summer so I can see how it all is going to come together.  I hope in reality its as beautiful to look at as I picture it in my mind. 
I have only shared this blog address with one person.  I don't know if she will ever read through it, but I think sharing it with certain people will help me.  Not that they need to read it but maybe I need some validation.  Knowing that I'm writing this, that I have poured a lot of myself into it.  I want to give my closest friends the opportunity to finally see into my life a little more, into my heart.  To know how I truly as feeling.  I also know there is one post here in particular regarding John and music, that issue has since resolved itself.  We have agreed to disagree. 
One day soon maybe I'll be able to post things here that are more happy then sad, but for now I need to release those things that are in my mind.  The "demons" for lack of a better word.  I live with them everyday, its not a nice place to be most days, but I work on it everyday.  I try everyday to move forward, but its like walking in super sticky mud, that steals your boots and socks.  Then the days that I get stuck in quicksand and feel like I'm sinking and I can't get out, those are the darkest days, days that I don't like to recall or remember.  Most of those are in the past, they happened shortly after I came home from the hospital.  But I will have one every so often.  Those are the days when I have lost control.  Only a few people have seen me lose control, John and my parent's and unfortunately John's younger brother Joe.  I feel embarrassed because those are people that are very close to me, and I don't want them to see me like that.  That is why I have pulled away, because I'm scared that I will lose it, when I do its scary.  I don't like for ANYBODY to see me like that, I wish that I could just put myself into a padded cell until I can get myself out of that state, but its not possible.  I'm completely rational at this moment, I promise, but talking about my feelings even to myself to get them out isn't easy.  I"m sure its not easy to read.  I feel like I SHOULD share this with those friends and relatives that are closest.  I think I will I intend to, I want to. 
Please remember, some of what is written here was written when I was in the lowest parts of my greiving process, some days I'm better then others. 
Natalie