Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Angel Babies...

I've been thinking about my Noel much more intensely for the last couple of weeks, I've had difficulty sleeping as you all know because I'm posting so late at night.  THAT is when I start thinking about her the most.  I don't know if its the quiet house or just that night time makes me more introverted and reflective on all things.  Noel is my most precious creation to date.  I miss her so much every day and I wonder how different our (my husband and I) lives would be today if Noel hadn't died.  Its strange to think about these things when you have nothing to compare them to.  I don't know what its like to have a new born baby at home, I mean yes I've taken care of babies when they are little but nothing like the 24/7 care you would give a baby.
I don't know, I keep going over in my mind the information from my time in the hospital that my mom gave me that first night of HUGS.  I have put it all together, what my fragments were, the pictures, and the information from my mom. It doesn't comfort me, quite the opposite really.  Because I know I was broken by life in those few days.  My body was broken open and my soul was decimated.  My baby girl was stolen from me.  Taken before she even had a chance to draw one single breath.  It makes me so mad and angry every second of every day since that I literally feel that some days that I think I'm crazy.  I feel almost like I've been in a horrible nightmare, that I will wake up and I'll still be pregnant and its still September 20th and I'm being a stupid idiot pregnant woman and I'm going to wake up and go straight to the hospital and make sure my girl is okay.  THEN reality hits me, that if I'm in a nightmare this is the longest most awful sleep I've ever had.  I still wake up everyday and go to rub my belly and say good morning to my baby and then it happens again, I realize she is gone seconds after I wake up, I feel like I'm stuck in Groundhogs Day you know that stupid Bill Murray movie.  It happens EVERY DAY, and it makes me want to cry and I fight it and a few minutes pass and I am able to bring the emotions under control, but its every day, every single day.  6 months have passed and I STILL wake up everyday thinking that its the day before I know she died. I'm tired of it but I don't know how to stop it.  I wish I did.  
I'm so very tired tonight, I'm tired of trying to move forward and feel like I'm stuck in quicksand that I can't move. I wish I had some of that medicine to help you sleep at night, I most likely should be on an anti-depressant but John would never agree to allow me to go on one of those.  He doesn't want me to be a zombie or to lose who I am because of the drugs.  I want more then anything to feel normal to be able to feel happiness for more then 5 minutes.  I also know that I won't go on them simply because I am hoping to get pregnant again and there are so many birth defects that are caused from those.  I don't want to worry about my babies health because I can't deal with my feelings.  
I hope that I get the job at the hospital, I need insurance before my husband will allow me to get pregnant again.  He absolutely refuses to allow me to go on Medicade and have a "welfare" baby.  He wants to do things right, part of me agrees with him, but the stronger side of me thinks that he is being ridiculous about the whole thing.  That other people do it, why can't I? I was cleared back in January to get pregnant again by my doctor.  We weren't successful in trying that first month, my ovulation was still a little screwy, so we couldn't predict it as well as I can now.  
I guess I've dumped out all that I can tonight.  I'm very tired now and think that I will go to bed.  Hopefully maybe after writing this I will wake up tomorrow and realize what day it is for real and not put myself through that 5 minutes of craziness.  

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