Sunday, April 22, 2012

Catching up...

It has been a few days since my last post.  I haven't had much to share lately, I guess its because I've found a kind of peace.  I've gone through so much over the last 7 months, so many ups and downs, that to feel this type of peace is unusual for me or should I say isn't my new "normal."  I guess what prompted me to write is that I have made a big decision in my life in the last couple of days and I decided to share it with all of you.

Now I PROMISE that I'm not going to get "preachy" here, because to be honest people that talk on and on about this subject SERIOUSLY drive me insane.

So here goes...I decided to join weight watchers and TRY and work on getting healthy.  When I went into my last pregnancy I was WELL over 300lbs.  During my pregnancy because I was dx with gestational diabetes I lost an absolute TON of weight, because for my childs health and my own I had no choice but do the right thing...Right now I weigh ALMOST what I did when I delivered my beautiful angel Noel.  I DO NOT want to have to deal with sugar or blood pressure issues during my next pregnancy.  I know that one way I can do this is to take off the extra weight.  I cannot even TRY to get pregnant until I have lost 40lbs.  I am hoping over the next few months to do just that, I have to wait for insurance to kick in anyway and I need to make sure that I will fall under any company that hires me FMLA guidelines.  So I have some time anyway so why not USE that time to my advantage.  Yes it irritates me beyond reason that I cannot get pregnant RIGHT THIS MINUTE because the good Lord knows that is what I want more then anything in this world.  But I have this practical voice in my head that sounds an awful lot like my husband that keeps saying we need to go into the next pregnancy with all the ducks we can possibly line up in a row.  So I made the decision (GRUDGINGLY) to attempt weight watchers.  I have a "buddy" to help and encourage me, as she has done for my ENTIRE life and I mean people from the moment I was born, as you may have guessed its my Mom.  She has always been that voice in the other part of my brain that sounds off WHENEVER I even THINK about doing something I KNOW is wrong telling me I shouldn't be doing this.  I can't tell you how many times I've done it anyways and now that I'm older and wiser know I should have listened.  So this time, she point blank told me, and I decided to listen for a change, so let's just see what happens.  I've stuck to the plan, I've exercised for 2 days in a row (which in and of it self is a small miracle) and I'm actually TRYING to do this.  Hopefully it works and I do really well.  I'm being tentative now and most likely will be a month from now, but I have a feeling that once I get to the first "big goal" of losing 40lbs. I'll want to keep it up.  My ultimate goal is to lose 74lbs, that would put me in a range of not being "obese."  I honestly can't remember when I wasn't considered "obese" by the medical world, sure I have pictures of that time in my life but to remember it now is impossible.

I can tell you this, doing something good for myself is starting to lift me out of the grief I have been feeling.  Its making me look FORWARD instead of remembering when.  I have been stuck in a limbo for a long time, somewhere between the past and the present but never really in the present at all.  I haven't been able to look at life beyond yesterday, because everyday takes me one more away from when I had Noel.  I can honestly tell you TODAY was the first day that I thought about her that I didn't shed a tear or two.  Even now I am not crying and I normally do when I write here.  I don't want her looking down from Heaven and always seeing her Mommy crying.  I want her to know that we are okay, that one day in the future we will see her again.  For now, we will try everyday to be strong, to get stronger and work on being the people she would be proud to call her parent's.

I wish you all gentle peace for yourselves, to remember the angel babies everyday, and to be strong for you. God will watch out for us.  Remember that he IS always there, YOU just need to reach out, ask him to help and you will feel it in your hearts as well.  :)

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