Thursday, April 26, 2012


This is just to add insult to injury...My birthday, I understand that I may sound a little like a whiny 2 year old here but I have to get this one out...Please understand that my birthday has always been the highlight of my year, my birthday is paramount to Christmas in my book...

I have had a total of 36 birthdays on this planet.  My next birthday while I am going to be a year older I've been looking forward to.  WHY?! You can ask...My birthday for my entire life has been like a holiday for me.  My parent's while I was growing up always made a big deal about birthdays.  NOW being a Mom myself in the capacity that I find myself I completely understand, I know my Mom had difficulty getting pregnant so the days their babies were born I get it, I understand the Joy and Happiness they must have felt.  So I get why they made such a big deal about birthday's.  This year however, and mind you I was completely oblivious to this until last night, my birthday falls on Mother's Day.

Mother's Day this year was going to be hard enough, IT SHOULD be my first Mother's Day, the first time I WOULD have had my own child to celebrate with.  I want to know why, why does Mother's Day have to fall on my special day?  I only have this happen Once every 7 years or so, but WHY does it have to be this year?

So here is ANOTHER day that I am SUPPOSE to be happy, I'm suppose to have a good day on my birthday, but this year I'm going to be absolutely miserable.  Another holiday that I'm going to just be angry.  It is NOT fair that I have to go through this.  Not fair that I have to deal with all this misery all the time.  I USED TO LIKE myself, but now there are few days that I can even stand myself.  I do try everyday to be positive, and I really make an excellent effort.  But I do have those days that it doesn't matter what I do, or how positive I try to be my control will slip.  Last night, I lost it, but not in the normal way, I turned all the bad negative emotions in.  I have been doing this more and more often, and I do it to save John.  I can't lose my mind in front of him or anyone.  But then I start to feel resentful, like my feelings however stupid they may seem to others just don't matter.  I try...I really do...But I can't let go of this one...He says that maybe its just another test for me...That there is a reason why Mother's Day is falling on my birthday this year, but I just see it as a cruel joke, I thought cruel and unusual punishment was banned in the US.

Again, I'm really sorry if you think I'm being a baby, that I should be able to get through one birthday and one mother's day without a fit of tears or resentment.  I've been strong for too long.  This may just be another thing that breaks my resolve.  I'm going to TRY and make it, I really am.

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